- As featured in The Independent.
"Straight out of England's Bumper Book of Balls ups"
- Mike Selvey on England's first innings collapse at The Gabba
All 3 terrible personalities.
Looks like it'll be Malik, but a vote thrown Zoehrer's way to balance things out.
Vermulean a good candidate, but I think he had a legit mental problem and wasn't a **** by choice.
Malik. His corruption really makes one wonder just what was really going on in his innings in the '92 WC semi-final and final.
Round 1, Battle 15 Results:
Salim Malik - 15
Mark Vermeulen - 2
Tim Zoehrer - 2
No underperforming your way out of this one, Salim.
"The Australian cricket captain is the Prime Minister Australia wishes it had. Steve Waugh is that man, Michael Clarke is not." - Jarrod Kimber
RIP Fardin Qayyumi and Craig Walsh - true icons of CricketWeb.
Round 1, Battle 16 (last of the first round)
This one has an aura of 'too soon' about it, but I suspect the great man wouldn't have it any other way. In any case, we'll round things off with three South Africans.
Tony Greig (England)
- Attempting and surpassing the broadcasting record for parroting 'right off the meat of the bat'
- Hit Graeme Watson with a beamer to the face; Watson required 20 litres of blood to dodge the reaper
- Worldwide recruiter and arguably most crucial of the WSC Packerlytes
- Does not follow through with making teams grovel
- Ultra-mankading Alvin Kallicharan
"Have your balls dropped yet?" - Greig to David Hookes, who promptly hit him for five fours in a row
"During an interview on the eve of the match, he 'promised' a century to the audience. He fell short by exactly 100 runs." - Wisden on the last Supertest
"You must remember that the West Indians, these guys, if they get on top are magnificent cricketers. But if they're down, they grovel, and I intend, with the help of Closey and a few others, to make them grovel." - Greig starts a decade of blackwashes
"Do you think she's been flown in?" - Greig at the wedding of an Australian cricketer and his Filipino partner
"Life is too short to endure Mr. Greig at any hour, much less before breakfast." - Telford Vice on the tyranny of timezones
Kevin Pietersen (England)
- A consummate douchecanoe, consistently performing in all conditions
- Too crap to make South African team under the quota system
- The Internet's most comprehensive chronology of Textgate
- I don't need no England
- No, wait, I do
- Sued Notts after Jason Gallian tossed his team kit from the pavilion for crossing the arseclown threshold
"There's your ****ing dressing room!" - Gallian to Pietersen after heaving his kit over the seats
"[Flintoff is] an old allrounder who can't bat and too unfit to bowl." - KP on the man who got him an MBE
"Pietersen is never more self-absorbed, never less empathetic to his colleagues, than when he is in prime form." - Mike Atherton
“My affiliation is with England. In fact, I'm starting to speak too much like Darren Gough. I'm going to get one of Gough's tattoos with three lions and my number underneath. No one can say I'm not English then.” - KP
"At the moment, being part of the England squad is a pretty damn lonely place to be ... the only game we've won this winter was down to the fact the West Indies couldn't add up properly." - KP on the price of patriotism
"I’d love to be playing, but it’s not to be, so the next best thing is to be sitting here talking about it." - In the analyst room with Sourav Ganguly
Herschelle Gibbs (South Africa)
- Almost complicit in Cronje's master plan; redeemed by excessive narking on others
- Dropping the World Cup
- A litany of ratting on his mates, see below:
Look, there's no point in digging for defamatory quotes when he does it for me in a single book, so I'm just going to cite extracts.
While prowling a high school formal after-party in Australia:
On whom he's banged:I spotted one particularly gorgeous girl, obviously dressed to the nines, walking around the hotel lobby. After a few drinks and a few words, she came upstairs with me to my room and gave me a little dance of another kind.
One at a time, lads:A good number, yes. Definitely a multiple of 10 but not a hundred.
And easily my fave part:I’ve tried buzz, scag, woop, pla, e, weed, 7, acid, purple drank, shrooms, S, charlie, ploppa, angel, sunshine, pebbles, kicker and zoom. Not all at once. That is an important lesson for all kids out there.
One day I was pissed out of my mind, so I thought it would be cool to ask Graeme and Mark if I could join the leadership group. They said I had to go through an initiation. I thought it’d be fun, like paddles and ****. It started with me holding these two metal things E-somethings, and then they all yelled at me, pointing out all the mistakes I’d made, like not buying a copy of AB’s album, it took forever. The next part was me being locked in a room while they treated me like a dog. It was ok, until Jacques put a collar on me. That was weird. But then they asked me to watch Battlefield Earth, that film is seriously ****, so I decided to just forget about it.
Last edited by LongHopCassidy; 01-01-2013 at 09:34 PM.
Gibbs. His attempt at matchfixing was laughably inept.
Alos, LHC - that link relating to Graeme Watson says he was hit by a Greig bouncer. Cricinfo doesn't say if it was a bouncer or beamer. Any more info on this as it's not an incident I know anything about.
Fascist Dictator of the Heath Davis Appreciation Society
Supporting Petone's Finest since the very start - Iain O'Brien
Adam Wheater - Another batsman off the Essex production line
Also Supporting the All Time #1 Batsman of All Time Ever - Jacques Kallis and the much maligned Peter Siddle.
Vimes tells it how it is:
Parmi | #1 draft pick | Jake King is **** | PM me for my list of CW posters you shouldn't talk cricket with in Cricket ChatCome and Paint Turtle
RIP Craig Walsh (Craig) 1985-2012
Proudly supporting the #2 cricketer of all time.
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