The Forumers' Ashes 2023

[Son Of Coco]

It's your own fault for choosing to have a pint after each wicket

That's true. The decision to give the last batsman out bowled after the ball ricocheted off silly mid-off's helmet was contentious to say the least. The match review committee might also have something to say about me being held up and propelled forward to the crease by 3 teammates after I was 4 pints in.

 

[andruid]

Player Name: and ruid
Player Role: bowler
Batting position: tail ender
Bowling Style: Right arm Medium
Team: Australia

 

[Howe_zat]

With the inclusion of the international players both sides have a squad of 12 as we are almost at Ashes Eve.

Australia

Batsmen: V Duff (O), A Javali (O), O Slim, T Delonge
Wicketkeepers: B Ruthless, B Kasinathan
Allrounders: N MacCoinnich (M), F Starfighter (F), J Kiff (M)
Bowlers: S O'Fcoco (FM), T David (LS), A Ruid (M)

England

Batsmen: J Arquis (O), D Worcester-Park, J Howe, Daemon (O)
Wicketkeepers: R Inksquid
Allrounders: S Vicente (O,OS), S Mole (OS), G Herragonaes (F), N Roome (M)
Bowlers: R Smythe-Browne (FM), C Thrust (F), H Davis (F)

Thanks to @weeman27bob for volunteering as England selector - feel free to post a lineup with batting order along with who the opening bowlers and keeper are. If any Australians or @Prince EWS fancies it, post the same for your side.

I'm aiming to release each day's play right before the real thing. Good luck!

 

[weeman27bob]

Team announcement to come in approximately 10 hours.

 

[weeman27bob]

 

[ataraxia]

Suck it @Daemon

 

[weeman27bob]

Daemon next cab off the rank for whenever one of the openers turns out to be Crawley in disguise

 

[weeman27bob]

Thrust and Davis as opening bowlers, Inksquid as keeper.

 

[GIMH]

Watch your running inksquid

 

[Red_Ink_Squid]

Watch your running inksquid

I'll try not to run you out until after we've put on a match winning partnership again.

 

[honestbharani]

Its like when the villain announces his batting order in Lagaan tbh.

 

[weeman27bob]

THRUST PREPARES TO PENETRATE AUSSIE LINEUP

The Male on Thursday’s leading sports correspondent and occasional bigot Arthur Farthington sat down with Clint Thrust, the so-called bad boy of fast bowling for an exclusive interview ahead of the Ashes. The First Test at Edgbaston starts on Friday, and the whole country is looking to get behind our brave boys.

I’m sure you’re busy training hard to bring The Ashes home, so I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to talk to the Male on Thursday. Would you say that The Ashes is the most important series in cricket for you?

As I see it, this is as good as it gets. There’s two pinnacles of our sport- The Ashes and World Cup knockout matches - and I only get to bowl 10 overs in the latter, so The Ashes just edges it out to me.

What do you say to those who think that tests between England and Australia aren’t the only thing that matter in the cricket world, and that we should continue to support cricket in other regions. After all, they say that cricket needs a strong West Indies.

… I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question. What’s a “West Indies”? I only know about three cricket playing countries - England, Australia and International.

Some sceptics, including yours truly, have accused the ECB of drafting in ringers to fill out slots in the England team. Are Daemon, Roome and Davis really English?

Look, I know some people might think that Woke [Woke Chris, Chief Selector] has been opportunistic in selecting some of the squad, but these lads are as British as they come. Daemon’s grandparents are British, Roomey moved here when he was 16 and Heef…uh…um… well I heard his sister once dated someone with the last name English, so that’ll do too.

In the last Ashes series, you got thrashed by Australia 4-0 Down Under. Talk us through what went wrong.

We were robbed by those cheating little ****s. I’ve never seen so much sandpaper in one location, and it’s no surprise how many medical professionals are emigrating there with how doctored the pitches are.

The fact we drew one match is a reflection of how good a team we are. There’s no hope of them getting away with it this time.

Critics have said that the only thing that was worse than watching the England team play on that tour was the behaviour of the team in public. As the ring-leader of this degenerate behaviour, how do you respond?

Legally I can’t comment other than to say it was just some friendly banter that got out of hand, and to offer my sincerest apologies to that lady and her poor parakeet. I haven’t been near a steam roller since.

One of the growing rivalries between the two teams seems to be between you and Australian batsman O'Shea D. Slim. He was very much a thorn in your side the last time the sides met and you failed to take his wicket across the five games. Have you been working on any plans on how to get him out?

I don’t want to reveal too much at this stage, but let’s just say I don’t expect that arrogant, vain little sod to have to worry too much about his hair in the middle this time around. Slim will be back in the pavilion before he’s even had the chance to get helmet hair.

Last question. There have been rumours of tensions escalating in the squad after Inksquid ran out Herragonaes in the warm up game. Do you think that quick singles are a necessary risk in Test cricket to rotate the strike?

The only type of running I like is running my mouth. I see the ball, I try to hit the ball as hard as I bloody can. Quick singles are quite frankly a scourge on society.

Clint, thank you for your time. I look forward to strongly criticising celebrating your performance over the next few days.

 

[Howe_zat]

Australia XI

1. Duff
2. Jevali
3. Slim
4. Delonge
5. Ruthless+
6. Kasinathan
7. Starfighter
8. MacCoinnich
9. Ruid
10. O'Fcoco
11. David

 

[Howe_zat]

First Test, Edgbaston

Day One

England won the toss and chose to bat on the first day of the Forumers' Ashes. In-form bowler Sonny O'Fcoco proved an immediate threat and picked up England opener Vicente for 1 in his second over, and England fans would have been extremely nervous when Howe was sent back by a lone over from McCoinnich to leave the home side on 36-2. That was when the counter-attack began, with Arquis remaining watchful at one end while debutant Worcester-Park stroked an impressive run-a-ball 40 before lunch. The break came with the home side back in front on 98/2.

Though Arquis was dismissed for a careful 33 by O'Fcoco shortly after the break, the second session belonged decisively to England as Worcester-Park and Mole made excellent use of the first day surface. The former was more controlled than before the break, making his way towards a century while allrounder Mole took on the role of aggressor. By tea England had raised the 200 with three wickets down.

Mole reached fifty early in the third session, and soon after Worcester-Park raised his bat for a fine century off 170 balls. As the partnership reached 149, Thexton David came back on for the vistors and made the breakthrough, dismissing England's number four for 109. Australia then took the new ball and seamer Ruid got it to clip Herregonaes' off stump. Late in the day Red Inksquid made an enterprising cameo of 25 off 22 balls before being sent back, but Mole was still there, unbeaten on 96 overnight, to claim the first day for the hosts.

England 313/6

 

[Daemon]

Very poor opening stand, unsurprisingly

 

[weeman27bob]

Can't complain about that for a first day. If Mole and Roome can put on a few more runs before we get into the tail and we can eek our way north of 400 that would be great.

 

[weeman27bob]

I'm also glad that nobody has questioned why the photo accompanying the interview includes a man holding a giant, infected tomato

 

[Howe_zat]

I'm also glad that nobody has questioned why the photo accompanying the interview includes a man holding a giant, infected tomato

I've been out of the loop for a couple of years so I just thought was the next innovation to English domestic cricket

 

[Molehill]

First Test, Edgbaston

Day One

England won the toss and chose to bat on the first day of the Forumers' Ashes. In-form bowler Sonny O'Fcoco proved an immediate threat and picked up England opener Vicente for 1 in his second over, and England fans would have been extremely nervous when Howe was sent back by a lone over from McCoinnich to leave the home side on 36-2. That was when the counter-attack began, with Arquis remaining watchful at one end while debutant Worcester-Park stroked an impressive run-a-ball 40 before lunch. The break came with the home side back in front on 98/2.

Though Arquis was dismissed for a careful 33 by O'Fcoco shortly after the break, the second session belonged decisively to England as Worcester-Park and Mole made excellent use of the first day surface. The former was more controlled than before the break, making his way towards a century while allrounder Mole took on the role of aggressor. By tea England had raised the 200 with three wickets down.

Mole reached fifty early in the third session, and soon after Worcester-Park raised his bat for a fine century off 170 balls. As the partnership reached 149, Thexton David came back on for the vistors and made the breakthrough, dismissing England's number four for 109. Australia then took the new ball and seamer Ruid got it to clip Herregonaes' off stump. Late in the day Red Inksquid made an enterprising cameo of 25 off 22 balls before being sent back, but Mole was still there, unbeaten on 96 overnight, to claim the first day for the hosts.

England 313/6

View attachment 36037

No chance I sleep tonight on 96no.....

 

[AVA]

That first innings was no Bazball that's for sure.