Drew Petrie counted to infinity - twice.
Drew Petrie does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Drew Petrie goes killing.
Drew Petrie thought up some of the funniest Drew Petrie facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.
Drew Petrie’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Drew Petrie
Drew Petrie does not sleep. He waits.
Drew Petrie was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Drew Petrie can speak braille.
Drew Petrie with a night light. Not because Drew Petrie is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Drew Petrie
If you can see Drew Petrie, he can see you. If you can't see Drew Petrie you may be only seconds away from death.
Drew Petrie puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
The chief export of Drew Petrie is pain.
If Drew Petrie is late, time better slow the **** down.
Drew Petrie doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Drew Petrie sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Drew roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Drew Petrie can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.
Drew Petrie frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Drew Petrie died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Drew Petrie during ***, because they are doing the same thing.
Drew Petrie does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Drew Petrie, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Drew Petrie, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Drew Petrie 's fist.
Drew Petrie once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.
When Drew Petrie sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Drew Petrie has not had to pay taxes ever.
At birth, Drew Petrie came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Drew Petrie but Drew Petrie
Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Drew Petrie enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
If you try to introduce your mother to Drew Petrie, she'll introduce you to your biological father.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Drew Petrie got an award for masturbating in public.
Drew Petrie is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Drew Petrie once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Drew Petrie?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.
Drew Petrie can slam revolving doors.
Drew Petrie once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having *** with his waitress.
Superman owns a pair of Drew Petrie pajamas.
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Drew Petrie doesn't believe in magic.
Drew Petrie has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.
Drew Petrie can divide by zero.
Drew Petrie is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Drew Petrie claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Drew Petrie and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Drew Petrie’s sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.
Water boils faster when Drew Petrie watches it.
They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Drew Petrie. He doesn't have to.
Drew Petrie does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Drew Petrie says its beef, then it's ****ing beef.
Drew Petrie owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
When Drew Petrie exercises, the machine gets stronger.
If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Drew Petrie.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Drew Petrie
Drew Petrie once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
Drew Petrie got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
Drew Petrie clogs the toilet even when he pisses.
If you see Drew Petrie crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.
A blind man once stepped on Drew Petrie's shoe. Drew replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Drew Petrie!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Drew Petrie..
Drew Petrie is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Drew Petrie
The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type " Drew Petrie " into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".
Drew Petrie ‘IS’ allowed to talk about Fight Club.
Drew Petrie’s cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Drew Petrieends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".
Drew Petrie refers to himself in fourth person.
Drew Petrie never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the ###### off.
Drew Petrie doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Drew Petrie was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.
In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Drew Petrie
Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Drew Petrie is going to kill you.
Oxygen requires Drew Petrie to live.
Drew Petrie doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Drew.
Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Drew Petrie is on yet.
When Drew Petrie laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently ######s a cow.
Drew Petrie gave cats nine lives so he could kill them more.
Nobody has ever heard a woman while she was in bed with Drew Petrie. This is because only dogs can hear the frequencies in which they're screaming.
Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Drew Petrie open you would find another Drew Petrie inside, only smaller and angrier.
One time in an airport a guy accidently called Drew Petrie " Buck Petrie ". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Drew accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
Drew Petrie uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.
When Drew Petrie was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Drew Petrie received an "A+" for writing only the words " Drew Petrie " and promptly turning in the paper.
Drew Petrie frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the #### out of little kids.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Drew Petrie
Drew Petrie has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has had a Drew Petrie problem.
Drew Petrie’s dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Drew Petrie will not take #### from anyone.
Drew Petrie always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker.
Whenever Drew Petrie’s wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.
The phrase "Made by Drew Petrie " is imprinted beneath the surface of China.
Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Drew Petrie so he can scare the #### out of them.
Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Drew Petrie. The tool dares the virus to enter the machine.
Drew Petrie wears custom made boots with his name imprinted on the bottom. The reason being is so if anyone ever asks him for his autograph, they will get it permanently across the side of their face.
If you come home to find Drew Petrie doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Drew gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.
When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Drew Petrie.
Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Drew Petrie is watching.
Someone once tried to tell Drew Petrie that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
There was going to be a special edition Drew Petrie toliet paper, but Drew doesn't take crap from anybody.
Drew Petrie doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.
If Drew Petrie were an Olympic athlete, the Olympics would be canceled. Every four years they would just mail Drew Petrie his 237 gold medals.
One day Drew Petrie brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Drew Petrie roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Drew Petrie giveth, and the good Drew Petrie, he taketh away.
Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Drew Petrie once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Drew the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas
Drew Petrie does not have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.
Drew Petrie only uses one chopstick.
When Drew Petrie answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.
Drew Petrie never hides, he only seeks.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Drew Petrie to die before they attack.
Drew Petrie once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Drew Petrie’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Drew Petrie is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Drew Petrie out. It failed miserably.
Contrary to popular belief, Drew Petrie, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Drew Petrie has 72... and they're all poisonous.
If you ask Drew Petrie what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Drew Petrie drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Drew Petrie invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
CNN was originally created as the " Drew Petrie Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
Drew Petrie can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Drew Petrie allows to live.
What was going through the minds of all of Drew Petrie’s victims before they died? His shoe.
Drew Petrie is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Police label anyone attacking Drew Petrie as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Drew Petrie doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
Drew Petrie doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
Drew Petrie will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
If you spell Drew Petrie in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Drew Petrie originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Drew replied, "That's no glitch."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Drew Petrie once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Drew Petrie played in second grade.
Drew Petrie once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Drew Petrie once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Drew Petrie re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Drew Petrie has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Drewtatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Drew Petrie once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Drew Petrie warm-up exercises.
Drew Petrie is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Drew Petrie turned that wine into beer.
Drew Petrie can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Drew Petrie
Drew Petrie discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Drew Petrie is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Drew Petrie roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Drew Petrie doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
The Drew Petrie military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Drew Petrie could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Drew Petrie could use to kill you, including the room itself.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Drew Petrie walks.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Drew gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
When Drew Petrie goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Drew Petrie has breathed on.
Drew Petrie once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Drew Petrie won by 5.
Drew Petrie was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Drew's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Drew Petrie sheds his skin twice a year.
Drew Petrie speared Steve Irwin.
Drew Petrie doesn't have a chin under his beard... just another fist.
Drew Petrie and Mr.T walked into a bar... the bar was instantly destroyed as no building can contain that much coolness.
Jesus can walk on water. Drew Petrie can swim through land.
Jesus can walk on water...but Drew Petrie can walk on jesus.
The phrase "balls to the wall" was created to describe Drew Petrie entering any room smaller than an airplane hangar.
Drew Petrie destroyed the periodic table, because Drew Petrie only recognizes the element of surprise
Drew Petrie doesn't consider it *** if the woman survives.
When Drew Petrie was a kid he only couloured in pictures in red...because all his crayons were soaked in the blood of his victims.
Drew Petrie can lead a horse to water...and make it drink.
Drew Petrie is the reason wally is hiding.
Remember the soviet union? They decided to quit after watching a Drew Petrie play football on satelite TV
While urinating, Drew Petrie is easily capable of welding titanium.
When Drew Petrie was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Drew Petrie likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
Drew Petrie CAN believe it's not butter.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Drew Petrie calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Drew Petrie doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Drew Petrie is Drew Petrie.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Drew Petrie, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Drew Petrie ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Drew Petrie lives in Melbourne.
Drew Petrie doesn't believe in Germany.
When Drew Petrie is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
Drew Petrie can touch MC Hammer.
Drew Petrie played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Drew Petrie smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
Drew Petrie doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
Drew Petrie roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
Drew Petrie does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Drew Petrie would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
Drew Petrie did in fact, build Rome in a day.
When Drew Petrie was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
Drew Petrie brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Drew Petrie finds it delicious.
Drew Petrie was what Willis was talkin' about.
Drew Petrie doesn't wear condoms...because nothing can protect you from Drew Petrie.
Drew Petrie doesn't get wet, it get Drew Petrieed.
