Devil Ducky's Diary

[luckyeddie]

Devil Ducky's Diary

Thursday, 15 May 2003

It's been a long hibernation, but it's good to be back. What did you say? Ducks don't hibernate? Well, this one flew south for the winter (on a 747 owned by the very nice people at Malaysian Airlines) for the World Cup, but I missed my flight home and had to 'do it myself' - so put my seven week absence from Cricket Web down to, er, a bit of a lie-in while I recovered.

So, what's happened since then? Well, Pakistan have improved their ODI over rate at last. In the Sharjah Cup (in which they were victorious), they left out Wasim Akram and Waqar Younis and played with THREE spinners, completing their overs well inside the stipulated time rather than having the usual 2 or 3 overs docked. I asked coach Javed Miandad whether this was down to his new, positive approach, but he said that it was more down to the airline refusing to carry zimmer frames any more.

Oh yes, the TVS Cup in Dhaka. Ajit Agarkar made his long-awaited comeback with a ruthless performance against the world class outfit that is, er, Bangladesh. 'Nuff said. I think this tournament could be summed up in two words - 'It rained'.

Shahid Afridi signed for Derbyshire. He made his debut, hit a six, got out. At the time of writing, he has really added something to the Derbyshire middle order. 25 runs at an average of 6.25.

The long-awaited test series between the West Indies and Australia ended just as the pundits predicted - with the Aussies sledgi... sorry, victorious. Cricket fans the world over stood as one and applauded the person who made the sensational West Indian world record possible in the final match - Martin Love. What a slipper. I must say, I'm very impressed with the new Windies all-rounder. What's his name? Oh yes, Vasbert. Hang on - he's older than Corky.

Mal Loye won the 'Player of the Month' award. That's rich. He's lying 26th in the averages and 27th in the number of runs scored. Still, at least it wasn't Mark Ramprakash. Who ran the ballot - Robert Mugabe or George Bush?

The England squad for the first test against Zimbabwe is due to be announced in a couple of days time. Alec Stewart obviously feels under pressure at the moment because the pundits are tipping Chris Read or James Foster for the gloves. Personally, I'd like to see Luke Sutton get a go, but then again I'm biased. Anyway, I digress. Alec suggested that there are too many overseas players in the English game today. Alec - we were rubbish with one overseas player per county, we're rubbish with two. I don't see the difference. Anyway, on current form, Alec's still the man. A solid knock in Surrey's current game against Leicestershire (he made 71) and a couple of smart catches. The only thing he dropped was his bus pass.

James Anderson responded to critics in the best possible way this week with a hat-trick for Lancashire against Essex. His second victim was England skipper Nasser Hussain. I guess Anderson doesn't make the test side, then.

Steve Harmison today produced the remarkable personal bowling analysis of 2-30 from 21 overs for Durham at Stockton. Amazingly, there hasn't been a single wide so far in the Worcestershire innings. Umpires Jones and Kitchen are taking up the offer of a free vision check at Specsavers later today.

Alec Stewart is 83.

[luckyeddie]

Friday, 16 May 2003

Dear diary:

I will never take the Mickey out of Lucky Eddie's age (or his gut) again. Yesterday, coach Graham Gooch came to Essex's rescue as they lost two players (Scott Brant and Will Jefferson) to injury. The former England opener rolled back the years as he lumbered on to the Old Trafford square as a substitute fielder for half an hour or so. Goochie, a couple of months shy of his 100th sorry, 50th birthday stood at short midwicket for half a dozen overs, cleverly eclipsing the sun as spinners Paul Grayson and James Middlebrook strived to dislodge the stubborn Lancastrians.
After Brant re-appeared, Gooch was wheeled back to the pavilion on a gurney via the local NHS hospital, but made a rapid recovery. When umpires Holder and Leadbeater led the sides off for tea, they were dismayed to discover that all the cream cakes were missing.

England's 'new look' test team will be announced tomorrow. Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose. Bowling crisis. Jug-ears injured. Freddie injured. Chalkie injured. Rhino injured. Collingwood missing, last seen looking for a suitable nickname. Harmison struggling - can't get his line wrong any more. Anyone for Corky? Or Goochie?

Brian Lara has gone on record as saying that the victory over Australia in the fourth test in Antigua gave him "... the best feeling I have ever had". Lara lavished praise on the newcomers, paying particular attention to the contributions made by substitute fielders Marlon Samuels and Carlton Baugh. Lara added "We threw everything at them" (the Australians). Jermaine Lawson was unavailable for comment.

Mark Ramprakash yesterday took his season's total of runs beyond 500 with his second championship ton of the current campaign. Watch this space for news articles featuring phrases such as 'dramatic recall', 'added dimension to his game', 'mature beyond his years', 'greatest living Englishman' and 'nothing to do with the fact that he now plays for Surrey'. Ignore all reports including the words 'adds nothing', 'Graeme Hick', 'average of 27', 'older than Corky' or 'plays for Surrey'.

In a completely unrelated issue, a career-best 101* by Ian Salisbury (only his second-ever first-class ton) has, at a stroke, solved England's bowling crisis and their search for a world-class all-rounder in one fell swoop. Ian's sensational start to the season includes a best bowling analysis of 4-116 against Lancashire in his previous game, er, back in April. © AMP Oval and Surrey Marketing Board, 2003.

Mark Ramprakash is rubbish.

[Neil Pickup]

Topping Time

[lord_of_darkness]

Classic Ducky !! this is nice, im enjoying every sentence of this

[Eyes_Only]

Ducky...

I'm upset that you haven't mentioned the Umpires...

[luckyeddie]

Saturday, May 17, 2003

Dear Diary :

That Andrew Flintoff's got a nerve!
Actually, he's got a compressed nerve in his right arm which threatens to keep him out of the test side. A few years ago, a journalist made a big issue about Andrew Flintoff's diet and his love of fast food. Well, you won't find me going down that road in a hurry. Oh no. Trapped nerves are no joke - I've had one. Trapped nerves are generally caused by lifting things with the body out of balance. Try a more balanced approach, Freddie. A burger in EACH hand should do the trick.

I read an article a couple of days ago entitled "The Ugly Face of Australian Cricket". I think that it was written by former Zummerzet player Peter Roebuck. Quite a scathing article really, full of criticism of Glenn McGrath, Steve Waugh et al, but it completely missed the point. We all know that Aussie cricketers do more sledging than the Jamaican Bobsleigh Team. It's a fact of life. Anyway, the "Ugly Face of Australian Cricket" retired after taking 0-92 against South Africa in March, 1994.

A contact tells me that the, er, streets of Chester-le-Street are going to be decked out with banners of a cricketing theme to celebrate the local ground being awarded Test Match status. Local artist Rhonda Fenwick and the Nettleworth Ladies Sewing group (I kid you not) are emulating the banner campaign which took place when the Riverside Ground opened in 1995.
Look, it's a 'slow news day' because it's raining all over England today and I can't keep picking on Mark Ramprakash. It's just not fair. I promise that, today, I will not make any fatuous, derisory statements about either
a) Surrey
or
b) Mark Ramprakash.
Anyway, the banners are being designed by a local group of adults with learning difficulties, which I think is tremendous. (I'm going to hell for my next sentence....) The ECB, being an 'Equal Opportunities Employer', plan to include Mark Ramprakash in the team for the second test on the grounds that he is an adult with batting difficulties.
OK, so I lied about picking on Rampers.

Interesting facts about (former) Test Cricket umpires No 1.
In the winter of 1985-86, David Constant worked at Imperial Tobacco, Bristol, England on a payroll project. I'm assured that he was assistant to a semi-literate, permanently inebriated computer programmer who nowadays goes by the name of Lucky Eddie.

Aussie ODI skipper Ricky Ponting has announced that he is fit for the forthcoming series against Vasbert Drakes and, er, some other guys who like rum. Apparently, he (Ponting) has been suffering from a virus which has confined him to bed. He added : "I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, for the best part of a week". Lucky Eddie's been ill for the last few days. He says it's a virus too and I believe him. I've seen all the bottles of Pils he's been taking.
Funnily enough, Ponting also said "I don't think I have ever been that crook in my life". Dunno, mate. Waqar and Wasim reckon you were pretty rough back in November 1999 at Hobart.

A stunning news story came out of India today - there is now, officially, a shortage of spin bowlers in India. That's the equivalent of saying that there is a shortage of pretty sheep in New Zealand. Whatever next? Aussies who can't sledge? Englishmen who can't whinge? I am delighted to announce that India are on the case. Bish, Chandra, Prasanna, Venkat et al have been called upon to form a committee to address the problem. Also involved are Anil Kumble and Killer Harbhajan. A committee, eh? That's the end of that idea, then.

An absolutely amazing statistic has come in, hot off the press, from the AMP Oval. After 12 overs, Leicestershire are 32-2 and Virender Sehwag is 32 not out. What's so amazing about that, you ask? Look again. See? After 12 overs, Leicestershire have only lost TWO wickets.

Merv Hughes is currently appearing in 'My Stepmother is an Alien Too' at the Old Victorian Theatre, Footscray, Melbourne.

[R_Powell_fan]

Great to see you back DD, although it is a diary are there any intyerviews coming up ?

[luckyeddie]

Sunday, May 18, 2003

Dear Diary :

Well, the ECB selectors have finally done it - they have united the country in one fell swoop. When the test squad to face Zimbabwe at Lords was announced at 10.30 yesterday morning, cricket-lovers from Carlisle to Penzance scanned the list of names for their favourites.

The expected names were there - you could almost picture the lips moving in unison.... Nasser? Check! Jimmy Anderson? Check! Harmison? Check! Butcher? Check!. McGrath? Hurriedly click on Ananova 'News', unsuccessfully scan for report that Aussie opening sledger extraordinaire has started drinking Stones instead of Fosters (OK, it's not THAT easy to qualify for British nationality - just ask Graeme Hick. He had to drink the stuff for five years before they let him in - but you get the idea). Back to Cricinfo, 'England', 'Players', 'M', 'McGrath' - Ohhhhhhhhh, him! Back to the squad, look further.

Suddenly, a collective sigh of relief escapes the lips of the nation. No Rampers. Back to McGrath, click on averages, back to Yorkshire's game against Northants. Hmmmmm. No clues there, so let's invent a time machine (for want of a better thing to do).

Slowly, the dials turn, then faster, faster. Day turns to night, back to day again. The seasons change, all becomes a blur as we race headlong, spinning almost out of control. Suddenly, everything becomes clear again. We look around - there are two gentlemen in the room. It is breakfast time.

Picture the scene, in another time, at 221B Baker Street over a fine spread of kippers, kedgeree, devilled kidneys and cocaine.
<Watson> "Something troubling you, Holmes?"
<Holmes> "Not at all, Watson. Just perusing the sporting column in the Gazette."
<Watson> "Has the squad been announced, old man?"
<Holmes> "Yes. A few surprises, to boot. I see they've selected McGrath."
<Watson> (horrified) "The foul-mouthed convict? The last I heard of him, he was on his way to Botany Bay in chains."
<Holmes> "No, not Glenn, my dear stout fellow. A flat-capped, unwashed Johnny from the sticks called Anthony."
<Watson> "By Jove, Holmes! Whatever could possess those upstanding gentlemen from Thomas Lord's neck of the woods to pick him - a - a - (gulp) Yorkshireman?"
<Holmes> "McGrath's tedious scoring rate of late makes that of the venerable captain, Lord Nasser of Hussain, look good. Besides, it's all part of the big plan."
<Watson> "I appreciate that the ponderous rate at which the northern oaf in question accumulates his notches hardly troubles the scorer's penknife, and even pales into insignificance in comparison to that of our esteemed leader, but what is this big plan you refer to, Holmes?"
<Holmes> (takes long, satisfying draw on Meerschaum pipe) "The plan, Watson, that paves the way for the return of that fine gentleman of breeding Mark Ramprakash for the second test match - as replacement for said McGrath, of course."
<Watson> "I don't understand, old bean."
<Holmes> (dons Deerstalker hat, prepares to depart for a second breakfast at the Diogenes Club) "After this announcement, nothing emanating from the ECB will ever seem a surprise again, hence the Earl of Rampers will be able to return to the fold almost unnoticed, and what is more, without all the frightful embarrassment of riots in the streets, the burning of effigies, questions in the House and all the usual cheap tactics the hoi-polloi resort to when they disagree with authority. England will therefore become great again - a land fit for gentlemen to grow old in."
<Watson> "Capital idea, Holmes!"
<Holmes> "Elementary, my dear Watson. Oh, and Watson..."
<Watson> "Holmes?"
<Holmes> "Whose glowing duck is that in the corner of the room?"

There are wider implications with respect to sledging, over-enthusiastic appealing and the like. It turns out that the Southern Electric Cricket Premier League is facing a shortage of umpires this season because the men in coats are sick to death of the confrontation which is part and parcel of cricket nowadays, even at grass-roots level. Chairman Alan Bundy has reminded players that umpires are there to enjoy themselves too. Bundy said "It's only a game if you win, but if you lose it's a stinking waste of time". He added "If God had wanted women to play ball sports, he would have made them men". In conclusion, Mr Bundy said "Christmas is not the time for regrets. That's what anniversaries are for". Sorry, wrong Alan Bundy.

Whilst on the subject of the Southern Electric Cricket Premier League, it appears that clubs in that competition have been given permission to postpone matches this weekend because of something called the FA Cup Final. Something to do with Southampton getting there once per generation. They should be so lucky. Lucky Eddie (a staunch Derby County supporter - last appearance in the cup final circa 1946 - even before HE was born) tells me that, one day, he took part in a half-century last-wicket partnership and caused everyone to miss most of a World Cup Final. Selfish, or what? His team lost the match, too.

I've seen some fielding howlers in my time, going all the way back to when I was an egg, but I can honestly say that I have never witnessed anything which rates even close in comparison to what happened in the first ODI at Sabina Park. Lehmann and Ponting were just beginning to accelerate when the ball was clipped to Lara at cover. A non-existent run was called for, and predictably (allowing for the usual standard of West Indian fielding), hilarity ensued. With both batsmen stranded in mid-wicket, Lara tossed the ball back to Crystal Gayle. All he had to do was remove the bails and the ever-dangerous Ricky Ponting would have been on his way back to the pavilion for early cakes. Instead, for some inexplicable reason the bowler decided to take the more 'interesting' option of ignoring the floundering Ponting and go for removing Darren Lehmann instead, who for the previous hour had struggled to get the ball off the square. His return to Carlton Baugh was adequate but hardly breathtaking, and the young keeper somehow contrived to allow the ball to squirm from his grasp, again with Lehmann yards short of making his ground. Tony Cosier was quite apoplectic - I thought he was going to croak having spent the previous half an hour extolling the virtues of messrs Powell, Samuels and, of course, the splendidly inept Chris Gayle. Anyway, a couple of overs later, Ponting was caught in the deep. Perhaps Gayle knew something we didn't.

I'm reliably informed that Tuffers is all set to replace David Gower as a team captain in the larger-than-life TV quiz program named after Dominic Cork's test career - 'They Think it's All Over'. Ever the showman, the fiery Phil Tufnell recently won the unreality show 'I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here'. I look forward to Jonathan Woss trying to make 'The Cat' the butt of one of his jokes - especially if Phil's behind him with a cricket ball in his hand - "You're a celebrity too - get THAT out of THERE".

[Mr Mxyzptlk]

Outstanding yet again.

[Langeveldt]

Brilliant keep it up

[Eyes_Only]

Great work as always Ducky!!

How about a few interviews with some of the current umps?

[Paid The Umpire]

Word

[PY]

Quality work

[chris.hinton]

Awesome!!!

[luckyeddie]

Monday, May 19, 2003

Dear Diary :

Do you ever have flights of fancy? I know that I do. In fact, only one of the following is true....


It's not official yet, but the rumours surrounding Warwickshire and Waqar continue to gain momentum. Waqar Younis came to the world's attention earlier this year when this diarist brought you his take on the (if I say so myself) quite amusing Andrew Symonds World Cup 'beaming' incident. Previously to this, Waqar Younis had led a largely anonymous, sheltered life as opening bowler (and occasional captain) of Pakistan.

So - just how good is Waqar - and will he improve the Warwickshire side? I decided to investigate how well he had done in 'head-to-head' battles against that other icon of domestic English cricket - Mark Ramprakash.

Waqar has played in 11 test matches against England - of those games, Rampers has played in just three. The great man's scores were 0, 0, 12*, 2 and 17. Amazingly enough, the over-rated Waqar NEVER dismissed him in test cricket, giving the bowler a quite extraordinary rating of 0% on the Rampometer.

I spoke to Duncan Fearnley about the possible appointment. He said "This is likely to be the salvation of our company. Times have been hard recently, what with the financial situation post-9/11 coupled with the preponderance of line-and-length bowling in England and the overall emphasis on accuracy." When pressed as to what the Dickens he meant by that, Fearnley added "We plan to introduce a new helmet called the 'Waqar-beam-o-matic' which will have an in-built radar device to warn the wearer of the proximity of any, er, 'unpredictable' deliveries."

I asked him whether he expected many batsmen to buy one. Fearnley replied "Batsmen? Who told you that? It's for the square-leg umpire and the guy who moves the sightscreen!"



Having just watched both 'A Clockwork Orange' and the 'South Park' movie again, I have decided to conduct a series of experiments at home along the lines of those set up by Ivan Pavlov to study controlled stimulus and conditioned response. In mine, I have a battery-powered hamster which sings 'Kung Fu Fighting' every time I switch it on. Immediately afterwards, I give my rabbit a treat. It has got to the stage where he runs to his hutch door whenever he hears the hamster 'sing'.

The second stage of the experiment may be harder to set up. I have to manufacture a device which will be compulsorily implanted into every person in the country (we can probably start with ECB selectors and then move on in stages to the general populace), but the said (so far imaginary) device only becomes active in the event of all of the following occurring simultaneously :

a) A 'proper' England batsman becomes injured
b) Mark Ramprakash has just scored a ton in the County Championship
c) The 'subject' gets as far as thinking "Hmmmm, there's an idea.... Mark Ra..."

The device, when activated, will cause at least 60,000 volts of direct current to discharge through the subject's body - sufficient to jolt them back to reality, at least momentarily. The current needs only to be a few milliamps, but of course each time the facts and thoughts coincide, the current will increase by a factor of 10. A couple of blasts should be enough, but in the event of persistent 'thought crime' of the MR variety, the culprit will eventually be totally incinerated.

There are a few small problems, though, which could throw a teeny spanner into the works of such a seemingly foolproof plan

a) Not enough people believe in 'spontaneous human combustion' for me to avoid embarrassing questions.
b) The turnover of ECB selectors, news reporters and sports commentators could be alarmingly high.
c) The civil liberties implications may be difficult to oversome.

Still, it's a small price to pay.


I lied. They're both true.