Given we all have opinions to burn, I think we all know some badly-needed reforms that need implementation IMMEDIATELY AND WITHOUT DELAY if Australia is to ever regain the Ashes without becoming the England of the 1990s.
Fish rots from the head and all that.
The LHC Review
- Series squads and the final 12 before each Test is to be exclusively selected by a three-man national selection panel. Captain and coach may confer to decide the final eleven on the day. This avoids a conflict of interest between captain/coach personal relationships with the players, and the captain is freed up to bond with his players accordingly without concern for their Test place.
- John Inverarity to take mandatory Alzheimers' tests before the commencement of each home summer. Cost-efficient alternative would be to sack him and bring back Merv.
- Pat Howard to be summarily dismissed as high performance coach, given that his sole discernible role is to be a circuit-breaker of accountability between the administration and team results. He has officially broken that circuit. All freed up funds from his salary to be rerouted, along with some of CA's Channel 9 windfall, into a generous offer to hire Craig McDermott back as bowling coach.
- James Sutherland on notice, sacking if evidence of coverups of further player indiscretions.
- Mickey Arthur to be subject to anonymous player surveys after each series. This could be when Mickey Arthur learns we're pretty serious in this Australian cricket team.
- Michael Di Venuto to be sacked as batting coach. Look, mate, you're doing something wrong. Equally generous offer to be given to Steve Waugh on the grounds of being able to bat a bit and be an ominous influence around the young bucks.
- Steve Rixon's role to be restructured as wicketkeeping coach. Seriously, he's our spin bowling guru?
- Neil D'Costa is not to be allowed within 100 metres of Phil Hughes at any time he is holding a cricket bat.
- CA central contracts to be dramatically restructured. All retainer salaries to be capped at $200,000. Freed up funds are pooled into an incentive system of $100 per run, $2,500 per wicket, and $500 per wicketkeeper dismissal. Therefore, every underperformance is bankrolling development and incentives for other, better players.
- Match fees will remain the same. 50% bonus provided by CA in the event of a win.
- All central contracts are for one year only.
- No dickheads policy in squad selection. All dissenters free to become T20 mercenaries that nobody gives a **** about.
- Sports psychologist to be a permanent fixture in team retinue.
- Regular voluntary programs to teach mindfulness and concentration, to combat performance anxiety and fortify mental strength.
- All players failing skinfold tests to field exclusively on the boundary.
- Self-assessment questionnaire to be completed after every defeat. Designated team meeting to quietly fill them out so nobody forgets.
- No alcohol consumption within 48 hours of an international defeat, or 24 hours prior to an international fixture.
- Mandatory boot camp ala 06/07 Ashes before each major series. Desensitization to extreme stress and discomfort is the objective.
- Free Cricket Science 101 textbook explaining the science behind physiology of pace bowling, weight transference/balance/footwork in batting, conventional swing, reverse swing and spin bowling (including drift).
- Absolute non-negotiable ban on appearing in Swisse Ultivite ads. Has worrying correlations with a terminal decline in players' careers (see Ponting, R; Johnson, M).
Domestic cricketing structure
- Fees for first-class matches (excluding Tests) to be heavily subsidized. Children, students and pensioners given free admission.
- No changes to Big Bash or Ryobi Cup schedules. Concerns are overblown IMO.
- Groundsmen encouraged to prepare slightly more batsman-friendly pitches for non-Test games. Notice since the 'green policy' we have ridiculous depth in fast bowlers and a generation of paranoid batsmen?
- Domestic Shield final to be timeless.
- Introduction of nationally televised reality show "Australia's Next Top Cricketer" to foster national interest. All male and female cricketers of at least first-grade standard encouraged to apply. Objective is not to actually find the next top cricketer but to glamorise the sport to new demographics. If they're actually any good that's a bonus.
- Roy and HG to commentate once a year in a Big Bash game.