Mr Mxyzptlk
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Taken from an article by BC Pires of the Daily Express in the buildup to the 2000 homes series against Zimbabwe.
I've only summarised it because it's fairly long.
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Surviving West Indies Cricket in the 21st Century
With tongue not necessarily in cheek.
Here are some of the guidelines to help West Indies cricket fans through this tour and the next few years. You would think that the West Indies need not be overly cautious about playing Zimbabwe at home but you need only call three words to banish the thought of it: New Zealand whitewash. The West Indies fan should:
EXPECT DEFEAT
You don't want to be too negative in approach but here are some signs that should make the thinking West Indian brace him or herself for lashes:
1. The other team shows up.
2. None of their batsmen are confined to wheelchairs.
3. None of their bowlers are double amputees.
4. Not one blind man in the slip cordon.
5. They admit publicly that they go to net practice.
6. The other side bats first.
7. The other side fields first.
8. The umpire is not chosed by pulling a drunken West Indian at random from the Red Stripe Mound, Chickie's Trouble Decker Stand, the Kensington Stand, the Trini Posse Stand or, in Guyana, anywhere other than the Kenny Wishart Stand or the pavilion.
9. It does not rain for five days from immediately after the coin toss.
10. There are golf clubs in the back seat of Brian Lara's car.
DRINK STEADILY
This won't help the team play any better but it will dull your perception of the casualties on the battlefield.
Everytime a wicket falls, you should knock back a double of your alcoholic beverage of choice.
If it is a West Indian lower than No.3 that has fallen, disregard this advice because four through ten will go as fast as the other side's bowlers can run up to the bowling crease and sudden intake of that much alcohol will cause liver damage.
SIT IN THE BACK ROW OF THE TOP TIER OF HIGHEST OPEN BACKED STAND
This will help in two ways: one, your view of the game/carnage will, thankfully, be the worst in the ground since any high stands with good views were made into hospitality booths ages ago; and, two, when you tally them and find the West Indian bowlers allowed more runs in extras than the other team's highest scorer made, your suicide bid will be more successful from there.
(The West Indian batters are capable of jumping to their death from the height of the batting crease but you must remember that they are professionals and have been practising that particular move for several tours now.)
WORK ON YOUR FOREIGN ACCENT
Most of us weel be able to pass ourselves off as Zeembabwean although, to tell de troot, we ah lahgely only fahmeeliah weet a Wes' Aff-reekan, preenceepahlly Nigeeereean, accent in dese pahts. Eet ees to be assumed dat dose Zeembabwean people have ah seemeelah tone of voice. Steel, even eef dey actually speak lik the Sith Efricans, eef you speak een an accent along dees lines, you weel be able to mek odders teenk you are pahaps Aff-reekan or pahaps Mexeecan, accordeeng to your complexion. De ulteemate deesastah well be eef we get leeks at home from Zeembabwe. Eef dat ees de case, you can bet dere weel be ah sudden eenflux of Nigeeereeans into de Queen's Pahk Ovahl. Of cuss de Asian West Indians weel have a slight deesadvantage, post-Idi Amin's Uganda, but don't worry, dey weel be in ah bettah position when Pakeestan get heah.
CARRY A BOOK TO THE GROUND
Bibles, Korans and Bhagvad Gitas are appropriate but most coffe table books are better since what you want is not something to read but something to hide behind (from balls being smashed to the boundary when Brian Lara or the other side are battingand out of pure shame at any other time).
by BC Pires.
----------------
Rules to live by. I particularly like no. 10 on the checklist.
I've only summarised it because it's fairly long.
----------------
Surviving West Indies Cricket in the 21st Century
With tongue not necessarily in cheek.
Here are some of the guidelines to help West Indies cricket fans through this tour and the next few years. You would think that the West Indies need not be overly cautious about playing Zimbabwe at home but you need only call three words to banish the thought of it: New Zealand whitewash. The West Indies fan should:
EXPECT DEFEAT
You don't want to be too negative in approach but here are some signs that should make the thinking West Indian brace him or herself for lashes:
1. The other team shows up.
2. None of their batsmen are confined to wheelchairs.
3. None of their bowlers are double amputees.
4. Not one blind man in the slip cordon.
5. They admit publicly that they go to net practice.
6. The other side bats first.
7. The other side fields first.
8. The umpire is not chosed by pulling a drunken West Indian at random from the Red Stripe Mound, Chickie's Trouble Decker Stand, the Kensington Stand, the Trini Posse Stand or, in Guyana, anywhere other than the Kenny Wishart Stand or the pavilion.
9. It does not rain for five days from immediately after the coin toss.
10. There are golf clubs in the back seat of Brian Lara's car.
DRINK STEADILY
This won't help the team play any better but it will dull your perception of the casualties on the battlefield.
Everytime a wicket falls, you should knock back a double of your alcoholic beverage of choice.
If it is a West Indian lower than No.3 that has fallen, disregard this advice because four through ten will go as fast as the other side's bowlers can run up to the bowling crease and sudden intake of that much alcohol will cause liver damage.
SIT IN THE BACK ROW OF THE TOP TIER OF HIGHEST OPEN BACKED STAND
This will help in two ways: one, your view of the game/carnage will, thankfully, be the worst in the ground since any high stands with good views were made into hospitality booths ages ago; and, two, when you tally them and find the West Indian bowlers allowed more runs in extras than the other team's highest scorer made, your suicide bid will be more successful from there.
(The West Indian batters are capable of jumping to their death from the height of the batting crease but you must remember that they are professionals and have been practising that particular move for several tours now.)
WORK ON YOUR FOREIGN ACCENT
Most of us weel be able to pass ourselves off as Zeembabwean although, to tell de troot, we ah lahgely only fahmeeliah weet a Wes' Aff-reekan, preenceepahlly Nigeeereean, accent in dese pahts. Eet ees to be assumed dat dose Zeembabwean people have ah seemeelah tone of voice. Steel, even eef dey actually speak lik the Sith Efricans, eef you speak een an accent along dees lines, you weel be able to mek odders teenk you are pahaps Aff-reekan or pahaps Mexeecan, accordeeng to your complexion. De ulteemate deesastah well be eef we get leeks at home from Zeembabwe. Eef dat ees de case, you can bet dere weel be ah sudden eenflux of Nigeeereeans into de Queen's Pahk Ovahl. Of cuss de Asian West Indians weel have a slight deesadvantage, post-Idi Amin's Uganda, but don't worry, dey weel be in ah bettah position when Pakeestan get heah.
CARRY A BOOK TO THE GROUND
Bibles, Korans and Bhagvad Gitas are appropriate but most coffe table books are better since what you want is not something to read but something to hide behind (from balls being smashed to the boundary when Brian Lara or the other side are battingand out of pure shame at any other time).
by BC Pires.
----------------
Rules to live by. I particularly like no. 10 on the checklist.
