The Ashington Cycle
Once upon a time, unpredictable Harmy went postal shopping with Tina Turner. Sadly Matthew Hoggard wasn’t available as it was too soon after his unfortunate accident with the Banana Fritter machine which Spilt boiling hot lard that Hoggard had taken from FBK's Secret stash hidden deep in the bowels of the Lard Marketing Board's international distribution centre on the outskirts of Plymouth, where Andrew Strauss had recently set up home with his beautiful Platypus he'd lovingly named Butch, in honour of the man, the legend. Unfortunately, the platypus suffered from a surfeit of Injuries before FBK ate him and stole his place thus allowing him to steal from the Lard Marketing Board under the guise of Michael Howard, the universally popular and not at all salacious Tory leader. Unfortunately for Howard, the Tories' election campaign posters foundered on the fact that they were asking the populace to think about anything other than the upcoming vitally important Ashes series so Mr Howard changed his surname to Vaughan in the hope that people would think he was a half decent potential leader.
Meanwhile Harmy and Tina Turner having finished their shopping were purchasing a scale model of Ashington made of rice and chocolate which FBK would doubtless have eaten had Mike Gatting not taken it up to his bedroom to sacrifice to Inzy, the god of fat
Which takes us back to the mystery of the break in at the Lard Marketing Board. When DCI Myopic, Devon and Cornwall's finest (well, since Wycliffe got transferred to ITV3) anyway took charge of the investigation his initial hypothesis was that FBK, with the assistance of his evil sidekick a man known only as 'The Butler', must have been those what done it. The evidence was simple. All the pies in Plymouth had been eaten before the theft. However the most shocking thing of all was the identity of "The Butler”. a man who seemed to have the world at his feet, a man who could rise to the big occasion, a man who was left handed, and a man who was often accompanied it seemed by a platypus, surely it couldn’t be...
But yes it was. In the most shocking twist so far Rikki Clarke had disguised himself as Andrew Strauss or as the platypus, Myopic wasn't sure which.
During an afternoon off for a visit to the optometrist, inspiration struck Myopic. Or more particularly, he walked into it. Might Butch the Platypus and the small black Hamster in fact be FBK and Rikki Clarke. Their only connection to each other? A shadowy crime syndicate know only as the League of Jones; a group formed with one aim in mind, to defeat their greatest enemies, the Brotherhood of Read...
Both gangs had long since been fighting a brutal turf war over the sausage roll concession on the Plymouth - Roscoff ferry and were now looking to encroach onto David Shepherd's Devonshire cream tea racket, however neither side were quite aware of an all conquering gang who had just come to Plymouth known only as Gilly and the Sunshine Band...
All of them had criminal connections stretching back generations and for many years now had been used to having things their own way but now with advent of the three warring gangs, things were about to get interesting. Not least for Myopic who was becoming increasingly fascinated by Steve Harmison. What had happened to this once strident young man, and why was he so scared of leaving his familiar surroundings unless accompanied by Tina Turner? Could it be that Tina was exerting some kind of unhealthy influence on the man commentators could not stop themselves referring to as "the tall Durham paceman" even though this was now a dreadful cliché.
More than this, Myopic began to realise that Harmison's fortunes and therefore the spirit of the entire country were all resting on him solving the case.
With this in mind he set off for the only person who knew Steve Harmison better then Tina before a mysterious bone spur injury afflicted him. Andrew Flintoff.