Actually, Jones' was really a resounding denial - "Well, they'd do it too, wouldn't they?" I think was the quote.
Well, I've seen it now, and the horrible, malevolent truth is now in the open.
My suspicions have been confirmed, and I expect wholesale apologies form the likes of Dickinson who lampooned me for suggesting this was all true. Mind you, I expect hell to freeze over soon too.
Hand back the Ashes from 05 - the only fair punishment for this treachery. Hand back the MBEs and OBEs - acquired by nefarious means that they were. Make the open-top double decker bus go backwards from Trafalgar Square down The Strand, while ex-pat Aussies throw bags of mints and cakes of soap at these cheating so-and-sos, all the while reminding them that the only way they've gotten close in 20 years was the use of illegal sweets.
Then come the law suits. I, for one, plan on leading a class action against the ECB, Vaughan, Flintoff, Trescothick and S Jones for damages for sleep deprivation and depression suffered as a result of the sudden loss of what was rightly ours. All those sleepless nights wondering how a side which struggled for nigh on two decades to get the ball to the other end of the pitch suddenly made the bloody ball talk Swahili as it went past the bemused bastmen. I expect to recover millions.
Not as much as Damien Martyn and Simon Katich though, whose careers were cut short as a result of falling to this outrageous connivance, and therefore lost so much dough from their contracts and endorsements that it wasn't funny.
Given the level of treachery and the heinous nature of the crimes involved, the only appropriate venue for these trials is either The Hague or Nuremburg.
On the positive note for England though, given the reliance on confectionary, they ought to appoint Willie Wonka the new captain, with the CEO of Cadbury-Schweppes as VC.
It goes far deeper than just cricket though.
If you check the footage from the Olympics, in every event where an Englishman or woman finished ahead of an Australian, they were seen sucking mints. Yes, that's right!!! All those cyclists sucking on mints, then spitting on the chains of their bikes to continue England's latest sporting program - Enhanced Performance Optimisation, or "EPO" as it has become known in the wider community.
This is just the beginning, I tell you.
Investigations into the use of sticky gum during the Rugby WC of 2003 are just getting underway, with early results confirming the sudden ability of English players to hang on to the ball was as a result of applying illegal gum to their hands just before kick off.
A similar examination of archival footage reveals Geoff Hurst imbibed of an obscene amount of boiled sweets before the final of the 1966 WC v West Germany.
Before long each of these sporting successes will be rightfully expunged from England's sporting history. It's no more than they deserve.
The clues were right in front of us, how could we be so blind to the truth!
