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Devil Ducky's match reports


Cricket Web Staff Member
Spain 1 Russia 0


The great thing about this tournament is the preparations the Portuguese have made in ensuring that all goes smoothly. They have employed advisors from all around the world, making sure that they are aware of customs, foibles and other areas of potential embarrassment. One advisor, a Mr Bruce Bondi, is employed purely to verify National Anthems are up to date - and with good reason. Who can forget the faux pas committed by a Mr B Bondi at the recent Davis Cup match between Australia and Spain?

So it was that the new Soviet Union National Anthem, "Filthy Western Capitalist American Lackey Running-Dogs" was played instead of the more modern, old Russian "Lend Us Some Cash And We Will Give You Our Mafia".

The Russian goalie, Greesiest Flashigit, pulled off a couple of fine saves early in the game as the Spanish right-winger, Franco, caused havoc. Intricate link-up play between Raul Bravo and Raul Lessbravo ended with Raul Positivelychicken diving over the challenge of Thug, the Russian central defender, which earned him a yellow card from the Swiss referee, Kukuclok.

The Spanish midfielder, Minackers found Lotsovexes in the clear but he only found himself following extensive phychoanalysis.

The Russians continually broke very well, but the linesman, Mr Certa Nofside, waved to the referee who shouted "Yoo-hoo" back. After indicating that the Russian back four were, in fact, a back eight formed of those little dolls which fit one inside the other, the referee cautioned four of them and made the rest hide a pea underneath one of them.

At half time, a score was still twenty, but only old people use terms like that nowadays.

And gross.

With the hosts already having given us a laugh by losing to the underdogs in their first game, the Russians took confidence and finally took down the boards they had nailed up in front of the goal for the second half. They made one substitution at half time, taking off Chelski and bringing on the hero of the playoff against the Welsh, Cheetindruggi.

Spain nearly took the lead early in the second half when an awful mistake by Koktitup allowed Paella to mussel in at the far post, but the ball was eventually cleared by Wipedasmileov.

The Spanish coach, Trollibus, brought off Krappa for Valdoonican and the substitute deservedly gave Spain the lead with his first touch following a great pass by Koffishop. Almost immediately, a spirited break down the left by Pisartist so nearly brought an equaliser and perhaps would have done so but for a diving stop by the Spanish goalkeeper, Slippi.

As the Russians pressed, Helforleather became the second Spaniard to be booked, then Fishwife slipped when it seemed easier to score.

The final throw of Zidice, the Russian manager, saw Itzmiparty replaced by Karikot for the final 15 minutes of the game, then Spain gave a debut to Porridge, replacing Real of Raul. As the clock ran down, Alenkey nearly opened up the Russian defence again but the run by Porridge was cut short by Cynic who became the first player to receive a red card in this year's tournament.

Deep into injury time, Karaoke came within an ace of equalising, but Anace scrambled the ball away in the nick of time. Another break saw Porridge shoot over the bar before the referee blew his whistle for full time.


Cricket Web Staff Member
Switzerland 23 Croatia 23


Those people expecting a thriller were not disappointed - this game was nothing like as bad as any album by Michael Jackson. Unfortunately, it bore little resemblance to a football match either.

Switzerland kicked off towards the Pavilion End with Jacob Oram dropping short to Ashley Giles who hooked over the square leg umpire for a boundary to inch England just a little closer.

Horlix headed against the bar when it would have been easier to score, then Bogie found himself in the referee's notebook for dangerous use of a handkerchief.

Fleming turned once more to Cairns but when Thorpe and Giles took nine off the over, England claimed the extra half hour. The New Zealanders by now were a spent force, and Sardonic missed out Laconic to put Colonic in the clear, but the makeshift striker lost control of his lunch on the edge of the penalty area.

A quite dreadful free kick brought Thorpe another couple down to third man, then Giles bludgeoned another boundary to bring the target into single figures.

Early in the second half, Bogie incurred the wrath of Mr Bolux for the second time when he attempted something which I didn't see, but which was frightfully spectacular as they gave the 'Man of the Series' award to Steve Wayward-Harmison again.

A quite extraordinary incident mid-way through the second half saw a wild through ball by Kojak somehow elude the entire Swiss defence, or at least those who hadn't been sent off just yet, and only a sprawling save by Badbak kept the ten men in it.

Moana clashed off the ball with Spykatcha, leaving the FC Inept defender sprawled on the turf, but referee Bolux kept his hands firmly in his pocket for reasons we should not go into here.

A neat interchange between Fray, Bentos and Cabinet led to Plectrum in the Croatian goal being called upon to make a fine, flying save, but as the photographers were taking little notice of him at the time, he made a pretty shoddy scrambling one instead.

Horlix was nearly caught napping as the Swiss started to push forward, then the manager Nazigold brought the scouser Henpekt on for Sticky. Mullerlite got in the way of a shot from Moana as the game petered out towards its inevitable conclusion, a late, late goal to one side or another but it will never be reported because the game was just so damned boring and everyone went home, including the players.

The large and floppy Croatian manager Mantitz was furious at an offside call against Kokpit when the Banana Split forward threatened to wriggle his way clear on the right, then zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and I woke up to find that the score was 23 all.

Tom Halsey

International Coach
luckyeddie said:
The Russian goalie, Greesiest Flashigit, pulled off a couple of fine saves early in the game as the Spanish right-winger, Franco, caused havoc. Intricate link-up play between Raul Bravo and Raul Lessbravo ended with Raul Positivelychicken diving over the challenge of Thug, the Russian central defender, which earned him a yellow card from the Swiss referee, Kukuclok.
LOL at some of this...


Cricket Web Staff Member
France 2 England 1


An enterprising start by both sides saw Cheval ponce on a chance at the edge of the England penalty area before clipping a shot high over the bar. The referee, Ava Shokka, made sure that any advantage due to England for anything would not be forthcoming ever, despite Huffer being a Colossus in defence.

The first controversial moment came when Grassbox was mowed down by Bizarre Lizard. The ball ran loose with all right-thinking people howling for the death penalty, but the French goalkeeper Barberz hacked the ball clear before Wayne Hubcap could steal in.

England were awarded a free kick when Cheval tangled with Coke on the left, but the Arsenal donkey tamely hacked the ball out of play. Sloth was viciously hauled to the floor by the flailing Samurai sword of Garkon, but the blind referee once again missed it.
Huffer, meanwhile, was a Colossus in defence

David Trapeze met a cross from Zutalors perfectly at the far post, but England keeper Dodgy was happy to see the ball sail over the bar, so I suppose he couldn't have met it that perfectly after all or he would have scored, the Juventus third-teamer.

Garkon and Gauloise linked up neatly to win a corner on the right as France continued to threaten with Ukelele calling the tune, but for once the disgraceful referee actually seemed to do England a favour, calling play back for offside with Zutalors poised, but it was more than likely some shady plan he had hatched up with Thierry Heehaw beforehand, looking to outfox Huffer, England's defensive Colossus.

A superb but lucky pass-***-wild-hack by Skippy found Gertrude on the England left but the alert French defence scrambled the ball out for a corner, which Skippy wasted because he's more over-rated than his former Manure team mate Sloth.

The dirty cheating filthy scum Zutalors drew the foul from the slow-witted but lovable Frank Barraboy but he never touched him, ref, then Wayne Hubcap threatened to sneak round the back, break the window and quietly creep out with the video recorder and a bag full of tapes until Barberz hacked clear.

Gertrude looked to have the beating of Bizarre Lizard on the England right, but the Frogs were looking to their intimate relationship with the yellow flag-waving Frenchmen masquerading as officials to keep England at bay, despite all the efforts of Huffer, who as always was a Colossus in defence

A brilliant clearance by the hitherto unknown Ledley Cromby saw to it that Heehaw was unable to profit from more skullduggery, then the goal the entire free world had been waiting for came courtesy of lovable Barraboy, heading a wonderful Skippy free kick home leaving the hopeless but laughable Barberz tearing his hair out.

The disgraceful Ukelele hauled Hubcap to the ground, a foul that if it had been the other way round would surely have resulted in excommunication and in all likelihood forfeiture of the 1966 World Cup and the Crown Jewels, but on this occasion resulted in the merest ticking off. One hesitates to think what would have happened if it had been England's Colossus, Huffer.

Decisive play by Dodgy saw him claim a Zutalors corner, unluckily given away by Flotsam, then more quite wonderful skill by Skippy, having his greatest-ever game for England, won a throw-in which the referee awarded to France out of compassion. Sloth found Grassbox but the diminutive scouser was crowded out at the edge of the area.

Heehaw, who had gone sightseeing for the whole of the first half instead of helping, generously shared some yummy garlic sweeties with his team-mates when he finally turned up again in time to miss the target with a quite ridiculous chip, then someone told the referee that his mobile phone was ringing so he blew his whistle for half time.

The second half started with a virtuoso performance by Heehaw, first lobbing straight to Dodgy then forcing the keeper to make a tumbling stop. Zutalors tried a hopeful one from several kilometres out, then Garkon was rightly booked for a hack on the back of Sloth's legs.

A quick break by Heehaw saw Dodgy forced to save again as more and more the French bribes threatened to take effect on the officials. England manager Smorgasboord thwarted his opposite number, trying to sneak extra players on to the field unnoticed.

In revenge, Cheval viciously left his leg in the way of a Sloth hack, and the Manure midfield player could consider himself unfortunate to be cautioned. Ukelele trampled all over Gertrude, but the resultant Skippy free kick came to nought. Ukelele then viciously smiled at Hubcap, clearly trying to goad the Evertonian schoolboy.

Flotsam once again beat Zutalors to the ball, then the pace of Hubcap, smashing through the French defence as though they were side windows of ****** XR3i's, caused panic at the other end. Thuggery by Heehaw gifted England another free kick as the officials clearly decided that the size of the Gallic bribes at this stage were hopelessly inadequate.

With England flagging, Smorgasboord sacrificed Grassbox, bringing on Darius Gnobble in an attempt to prevent the ball coming straight back into the England penalty area. The lovable Barraboy was cautioned following another blatant dive by Cheval.

Hubcap was hacked down in the box by Mikael Chat who was only cautioned instead of the life sentence the challenge deserved, but the loser Skippy told his old mate Barberz exactly where he was going to put the penalty and did too. Gnobble lashed a shot which hit Barberz nicely in the gob, shame Skippy didn't do that with his rubbish penalty the sarong-wearing poufdah.

Hubcap and Sloth were taken off with a quarter of an hour to go, replaced by Lederhosen and the near-motionless Weeble who fell over three times before injuring himself tripping over the touchline. Huffer was a Colossus in defence, hacking clear into row Q once more. For the French, Sandal replaced the boring yet cynical Chat.

Cheval hacked the lovable Barraboy a few more times and jumped on him for good measure as the game entered its final ten minutes and everyone waited for the French to cheat. Bizarre Lizard tried to con a corner, then Gauloise sat down and demanded a cigarette before he would play on.

Heehaw aimed for Salade on the right but hilariously hit row Q, then the static Weeble fell over, flicking the ball into the path of Gnobble who made the fatal mistake of passing to the useless Skippy. That was the end of that move then. As the game moved into injury time, we all knew what was going to happen. Injury cash, more like. As if pre-destined, Weeble's bizarre, random yet strangely hypnotic movements somehow took him back into his own half.

Desperate defending by Huffer, who was a Colossus, and Ledley Cromby caused the brave hero to throw himself bodily at a shot by Willy Sandal, glad to lay his life down for the team, but all his good work was undone by Weeble who fell over and dragged the entire French team with him. From the resultant free kick Zutalors, predictably, scored like the git he is.

The crazy Gertrude, baffled by the meanderings of Weeble, still oscillating in the centre circle, then attempted a stupid back pass to Dodgy who had no choice but to drag down the goalhanging Heehaw. From the resultant penalty Zutalors, predictably, scored like the git he is. Then I got the whisky out.
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