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Thread: Get ready to cry: Official CricketWeb Jokes Thread!

  1. #1
    State Vice-Captain yaju's Avatar
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    Icon7 Get ready to cry: Official CricketWeb Jokes Thread!

    OK People here it is. Please note that there has got to be a joke in each and every post of yours. You can post something else, but alongwith it a joke also has to be posted.

    Also make sure that you aren't violating the forum rules in any way.

    OK, so here we go.

    Banta sets up Santa to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Santa is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.
    "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Santa, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
    "Don't worry," Banta says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaaaaauuuuuuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack."
    So that night, Santa knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is.
    He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts: ..."Aaaaaaaaaaauuugguuughhh!"
    Yaju
    Self Proclaimed World's Greatest 12th Man.

    I like wasting homo sapiens' time - like the way I wasted yours just now.

    Quote Originally Posted by 5N1p3R j0C|<
    Why are you wasting time your reading others' quotes?
    Quote Originally Posted by DD
    <quack>

  2. #2
    International Coach biased indian's Avatar
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    Here is my First \

    Santa happened to participate in a competition, which was about writing the shortest story.
    The organizers had put a condition that a story must have four ingredients viz. religion, sex, suspense and mystery.
    When Santa's turn came after many attempts by others. Santa's story was of just one sentence which read "Oh god, my wife is going to deliver a child".
    Ostensibly amused, the organizers asked the american whether it contained all the four ingredients! American replied affirmatively and gave his explanation as below:
    Oh god: religion.
    My wife: sex.
    Going to deliver a child: suspense (whether a girl or a boy)
    "Okay.... but where is the mystery?" asked one of the organizers.
    Santa replied: who is the father? He was the winner for writing the shortest story!
    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
    RIP Craigos

  3. #3
    Soutie Langeveldt's Avatar
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    Sheesh, just realized that nearly all my best jokes are racist...

    Hopefully this corker will offend less...

    What's red and sits in the corner?
    A baby with a razor blade...

    Whats Green and sits in the corner?
    The baby two weeks later..
    Quote Originally Posted by vic_orthdox View Post
    Don't like using my iPod dock. Ruins battery life too much.
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    Thanks Dick Smith. Will remember to subscribe to your newsletter for more electronic fun facts.

    ****.

  4. #4
    International Regular chris.hinton's Avatar
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    Here one

    Good News is that Saddam will get the death Penalty

    THE BAD NEWS is that david Beckham will take it


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    International Captain Deja moo's Avatar
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    Yaju's was a classic.

    Heres one of my best :

    As you may know , Saddam Hussein had 6 duplicates during his reign.The capturing of Saddam had rendered them jobless.

    One day , General Tariq Aziz visits the 6 duplicates at their home.He says,"I have good news and bad news ,guys!"

    "Whats the good news?", asks one of them.

    " The leader Saddam Hussein has escaped his evil American captors and has overthrown the new government to come back to power ! You guys have your jobs again !", Tariq Aziz replies.

    Overjoyed at this fortunate turn of events, one of the duplicates asks the general, " This is great!! What is the bad news ?"

    The general replies, " He's lost an arm ."
    Millhouse: you know when your dog ate my goldfish bart and you told me i never had a goldfish, then why did i have the bowl bart! why did i have the bowl!!!!
    Karthik_moo@hotmail.com
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  6. #6
    International Regular chris.hinton's Avatar
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    I Like that

  7. #7
    State Vice-Captain yaju's Avatar
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    Where's the joke Chris? Either edit your post or delete it. Please don't violate the thread rules.

    Preeto fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.
    But one day the dentist said sadly, "Preeto, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."
    "No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been seeing each other for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."
    "True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

    As the crowded elevator descended, Banta's wife, Preeto, became increasingly furious with Banta, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous girl.
    As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the girl suddenly whirled, slapped Banta, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
    Bewildered, Banta was halfway to the parking lot with Preeto when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."
    "Of course you didn't," said Preeto, consolingly, "I did."

    Banta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths`s (Ubiquitious grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Santa to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
    Next week Banta finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Santa to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Banta goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.
    Next week Banta comes to Woolworth`s with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out.
    He shouts at Banta: "What! This is ****!"
    Banta calmly replies: "Yes, and I want toilet paper"

  8. #8
    International Coach biased indian's Avatar
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    There was an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman. They all worked on the top of a cliff and the Englishman said, If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow I'll jump off this cliff!

    The Irishman said, If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff!

    The Scotsman said, If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff!

    It was the next day, and they all had to jump off as the Englishman had cheese the Irishman had ham and the Scotsman had jam!"

    A week later, it was the funeral and the Scottish lady and the Irish lady said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like what we put in their sandwiches?"

    And the English lady said, I dont know why my husband jumped off the cliff he made his own sandwiches

  9. #9
    Eyes not spreadsheets marc71178's Avatar
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    It's customary for the Irishman to be the one that the jokes about

    Guess what landed in my Garden last night?






    David Beckham's penalty.
    marc71178 - President and founding member of AAAS - we don't only appreciate when he does well, but also when he's not quite so good!

    Anyone want to join the Society?

    Beware the evils of Kit-Kats - they're immoral apparently.

  10. #10
    International Captain Cloete's Avatar
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    Lol... the English and Becks...

    anyway..

    A father has three daughters and all of which are supposed to be going out on dates. However teh father was a bit over-protective so he had to be told what they were gonna get up to and where they were going.
    The first boy arrives at the door:
    "Hi my name is Joe, I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go ?"
    The father reluctantly lets the boy take his daughter to teh show. Then a few minutes later the next boy arrives:
    "Hi I'm Eddie, I'm here for Jenny, we're gettin' spaghetti, is she ready?"
    The farmer again reluctantly decided to let them go, however he was getting more and more annoyed by this rhyming.
    Then finally the third and last date had arrived and the father answered the door bell:
    "Hi I'm Chuck"
    And with that the father knocked him out with a right arm hook!
    CWXI Regular - Member of CW Black

    Blacks ftw

  11. #11
    PY
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    Police Warning - Has this happened to you?
    Have strength my friends........
    Police warn all male clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from a girl.

    There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and it appears in liquid form. The drug is being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince male victims to have sex with them. Beer" is available virtually anywhere. All girls have to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.


    Men are rendered helpless against such attacks. After several beers" men will often succumb to performing sex acts on horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted to. Men often wake up after having "beer" with only hazy memories of what happened to them the night before, just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.


    At other times these unfortunate men might be conned into a familiar scam know as "a relationship" - apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been administered and they have already been sexually attacked.

    However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open manner with a bunch of similarly affected guys.

    For your nearest support group just look up 'Pubs' in the yellow pages.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
    Father: Sure son. What's the question?

    Son: What is politics?

    Father: Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her the Government. We take care of your needs, so let's call you the People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your baby brother we can call the Future. Do you understand son?

    Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

    That night awakened by his brother's crying. The boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

    Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.

    Father: Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?

    Son: Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class. Government is sound asleep. The People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of ****.
    A True Champion - Bob. Rest in peace. 15/04/06
    "People today have too big a devil and too small a God"

    - Stephen Currie

    "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1

  12. #12
    Cricket Web Staff Member / Global Moderator Neil Pickup's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PY
    Son: Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class. Government is sound asleep. The People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of ****.
    And never a truer word spoken.

    Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fan?
    A: Skid marks in front of the dog.
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  13. #13
    International Captain Deja moo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PY
    Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
    Father: Sure son. What's the question?

    Son: What is politics?

    Father: Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her the Government. We take care of your needs, so let's call you the People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your baby brother we can call the Future. Do you understand son?

    Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

    That night awakened by his brother's crying. The boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

    Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.

    Father: Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?

    Son: Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class. Government is sound asleep. The People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of ****.

    What is the difference between capitalism and socialism ?













    In capitalism , man exploits man. In socialism , the reverse is true.

  14. #14
    International Coach biased indian's Avatar
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    **** Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
    "What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

    "Nothing at all, I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

    "How long did it take you?"

    "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

  15. #15
    International Coach biased indian's Avatar
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    What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
    Chelsea Clinton

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