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Thread: Monogamy

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    Hall of Fame Member hendrix's Avatar
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    Monogamy

    Is it realistic?

    Do you want it?

    Is it selfish?

    Is it realistic to openly not desire it without fear of consequence?

    What are the alternatives?
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    vcs
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    Dunno, having difficulty getting to the "mono" part.

    IS there such a thing as "zerogamy"?

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    Hall of Fame Member hendrix's Avatar
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    I don't want this thread to be about me, but through experience over the last few years I'm unsure on a few things.

    I used to beat myself up about past failed relationships, one in particular due to my infidelity. More so than my infidelity was the "fear of commitment" trope, that's not so much fear of commitment as fear of limiting myself. You may think that's sleazy, and I used to, but I'm not so sure now.

    Moreover, the societal myth of "the one" I think has been quite dangerous for me in the past. It caused me to become excessively upset when either a) a relationship broke up or b) a girl I liked didn't like me. I think this has led to controlling behaviour from both myself and girls I've been with. I'm becoming increasingly aware of how much value people place on freedom without knowing it - particularly at the beginning of relationships. So while I hate to use the "it's unnatural" argument, I do think that limiting peoples' inherent desires isn't something that we should aim to do if we don't need to.
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    Hall of Fame Member hendrix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by vcs View Post
    Dunno, having difficulty getting to the "mono" part.

    IS there such a thing as "zerogamy"?
    haha.

    I know it's a joke, but I do wonder to what degree the monogamy ideal is perpetuated by people who aren't attractive enough to frequently attract sexual partners...basically monogamy better serves some people than it does others.
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    Hall of Fame Member harsh.ag's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hendrix View Post
    Is it realistic?

    Do you want it?

    Is it selfish?

    Is it realistic to openly not desire it without fear of consequence?

    What are the alternatives?
    Yes.

    No.

    Everything is selfish from some perspective.

    Yes. But only when done with wit and charm and grace.

    Many. All with some problem or the other. Most important consideration is children and your philosophy of raising them, I suppose.
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    Hall of Fame Member hendrix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by harsh.ag View Post
    Yes.

    No.

    Everything is selfish from some perspective.

    Yes. But only when done with wit and charm and grace.

    Many. All with some problem or the other. Most important consideration is children and your philosophy of raising them, I suppose.
    Yeah, I've been thinking about the last thing a wee bit.

    I don't know if the concept of "broken family" really applies to two people who choose to have children together but freely and happily consent to the idea that they probably won't "be together forever" and that they probably won't live together and will probably be in various different relationships in the future.

    I don't see how that would negatively affect children, from an objective standpoint.

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    International Captain andruid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hendrix View Post
    haha.

    I know it's a joke, but I do wonder to what degree the monogamy ideal is perpetuated by people who aren't attractive enough to frequently attract sexual partners...basically monogamy better serves some people than it does others.

    I reckon its got to hinge on more than attracting sexual partners. A person can find multiple people attractive and good *** helps make good relationships but you need more than the prospect of good *** to make monogamy work
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    I never met a man or women who hasn't said that divorce was extremely painful.

    That should give us an insight into nature's intention.
    Last edited by watson; 18-11-2016 at 02:48 AM.

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    The alternative is polygamy, I guess. It has it's up and downsides. Prepare for judgement if you go that way, though. Last relationship, had more than one person angrily threaten to email/call/FB/Twit her to let her know I was talking about/engaging in fooling around/cheating, etc. Just simply did not believe we were open. She, on the other hand, got nothing but 'friendliness' and opportunities. Not that anyone ever followed through on threats, much to her disappointment (was looking for a fight and is protective!). We did it the hard way too, in a monogamous relationship for many years before converting. Personally, it would probably be easier to go into an open relationship from the start.

    Most interestingly for me was meeting other couples and the structure of their own relationships. Huge diversity. Some are don't ask/tell, some are involved with the people on the side too, some are two full relationships who have 'inner' relationships with each other (like boring Sunday brunch type ****, not orgies), and there are all sorts of variations in between involving both genders. Quite a few involve kids and shared raising of them too. Absolutely nothing new about it too, I remember when I was a kid my parents complaining about the couples at get-togethers and parties who were clearly swinging ("Did you see her on Jeff's lap?!? Slut!"). Point I guess is that it depends on the people involved what works best. There's no template.

    So for specific answers to your questions, whether it's realistic or not, sure. People have been doing it since time began. Depends on personal preferences. Selfish? It can definitely be done for selfish reasons and many do, absolutely. But there are many who do it for completely selfless ones too. Same with being open. Follow the don't be a **** rule and it has a greater chance of working out. No consequences for rejecting it? That, I think, is very unrealistic. But, that said, this can be applied to anything which doesn't fit The Template. Going into a non-monogamous relationship eyes open and having properly made the decision then, for mine, any negative consequences become almost totally irrelevant. Even family didn't mind it when I told them.

    (I know, I know, worst answer ever)
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    Request Your Custom Title Now! Top_Cat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by watson View Post
    I never met a man or women who hasn't said that divorce was extremely painful.

    That does give us an insight into nature's intention.
    Or modern marriage.

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    Hall of Fame Member hendrix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by andruid View Post
    I reckon its got to hinge on more than attracting sexual partners. A person can find multiple people attractive and good *** helps make good relationships but you need more than the prospect of good *** to make monogamy work
    yeah but you can't initiate a relationship without somehow attracting another person, and that's way easier to do if you're an attractive person, by definition.

    Somewhat related is the question of whether people perpetuate monogamous relationships that aren't ideal for fear of never meeting anyone else/anyone as good. This definitely happens.
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    Hall of Fame Member hendrix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Top_Cat View Post
    The alternative is polygamy, I guess. It has it's up and downsides. Prepare for judgement if you go that way, though. Last relationship, had more than one person angrily threaten to email/call/FB/Twit her to let her know I was talking about/engaging in fooling around/cheating, etc. Just simply did not believe we were open. She, on the other hand, got nothing but 'friendliness' and opportunities. Not that anyone ever followed through on threats, much to her disappointment (was looking for a fight and is protective!). We did it the hard way too, in a monogamous relationship for many years before converting. Personally, it would probably be easier to go into an open relationship from the start.

    Most interestingly for me was meeting other couples and the structure of their own relationships. Huge diversity. Some are don't ask/tell, some are involved with the people on the side too, some are two full relationships who have 'inner' relationships with each other (like boring Sunday brunch type ****, not orgies), and there are all sorts of variations in between involving both genders. Quite a few involve kids and shared raising of them too. Absolutely nothing new about it too, I remember when I was a kid my parents complaining about the couples at get-togethers and parties who were clearly swinging ("Did you see her on Jeff's lap?!? Slut!"). Point I guess is that it depends on the people involved what works best. There's no template.

    So for specific answers to your questions, whether it's realistic or not, sure. People have been doing it since time began. Depends on personal preferences. Selfish? It can definitely be done for selfish reasons and many do, absolutely. But there are many who do it for completely selfless ones too. Same with being open. Follow the don't be a **** rule and it has a greater chance of working out. No consequences for rejecting it? That, I think, is very unrealistic. But, that said, this can be applied to anything which doesn't fit The Template. Going into a non-monogamous relationship eyes open and having properly made the decision then, for mine, any negative consequences become almost totally irrelevant. Even family didn't mind it when I told them.

    (I know, I know, worst answer ever)
    No, that was an excellent answer.

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    International Captain Mike5181's Avatar
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    Pretty much every open relationship I've heard about has ended in tears. This woman might be better in bed, and this guy might be a better listener. One side will invariably have stronger feelings for the other. One side is going to get a rough deal. Throw in a third or fourth person into the mix and it just gets too complicated.
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    International Coach Gnske's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hendrix View Post
    Is it realistic?

    Do you want it?

    Is it selfish?

    Is it realistic to openly not desire it without fear of consequence?

    What are the alternatives?
    This is the most hendrix thread imaginable.

    But in order,

    Yes

    Yes

    Only if you do it wrong

    Yes, just explain how a woman works and any man will understand.

    Yes, extraordinary amounts of masturbation. I say relying on someone else for pleasure of any sort is weak. Your hands can do what any woman could and you don't have to go through the process of drugging them first.
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  15. #15
    Hall of Fame Member hendrix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mike5181 View Post
    Pretty much every open relationship I've heard about has ended in tears. This woman might be better in bed, and this guy might be a better listener. One side will invariably have stronger feelings for the other. One side is going to get a rough deal. Throw in a third or fourth person into the mix and it just gets too complicated.
    I mean, if you find a better partner than the one you currently have, I don't see why it's wrong to upgrade (harsh word to use I know), whether it's a monogamous or polygamous relationship. Of course that's going to end in tears, but the alternative is that you...don't allow a partner to leave you??? ummm...

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