Ask the duck

[luckyeddie]

Owing to the fact that I'm bored, I have decided to start the world's first cricket fans' advice line.

Anything which is troubling you, or perhaps even troubling Steve Waugh, feel free to ask.

Perhaps you're not exactly troubled - merely purturbed, puzzled, baffled, even - but that one thing you've ever REALLY wanted to know, perhaps DD has the answer you are looking for.

Devil Ducky is in his surgery now, awaiting your call. He can help you.

[Rik]

DD I need help...I'm just not sure what with! I just need help, that's all I know...

[luckyeddie]

Originally posted by Rik
DD I need help...I'm just not sure what with! I just need help, that's all I know...

<quack>

Dear Rik..

Yes, I've heard you play.

[Neil Pickup]

DD, I haven't bowled for nearly four months, and it's the first practice of the year tomorrow.

What preparations do you suggest I make, and how should I bowl my leg breaks?

Also, what is the best way to avoid death whilst batting?

[Mr Mxyzptlk]

DD, what was Steve Waugh thinking when he decided to bowl himself for a duck today?

[luckyeddie]

Originally posted by Neil Pickup
DD, I haven't bowled for nearly four months, and it's the first practice of the year tomorrow.

What preparations do you suggest I make, and how should I bowl my leg breaks?

Also, what is the best way to avoid death whilst batting?

<quack>

Dear Neil :

Very good questions, and I believe that I can help you.

Preparation is vital in any venture. I suggest that you go to the nets an hour early and polish the area around the popping crease with a silicone wax. A scattering of tacks on or around leg stump could be useful too.

If I were you, I should bowl my leg breaks right-handed. If you don't, they will be 'Chinamen'.

The effects of your preparation are such that, if the batsmen try to use their feet to come down the track to you, they will surely slip on the polished surface. This could have one of two effects :

a) They will only slip a little, but enough to prevent them getting to the pitch of the ball (although your leg-breaks seldom pitch - except for on the overhead lampshades)

b) They will fall flat on their face. This will not have the effect of getting them out any easier, but it will be a laugh.

Anyone tempted to play the sweep against you will do so once only. A kneecap full of tacks is not to be sneezed at (unlike a nostrilful of pepper).

Oh, yes. Another bit of preparation - leave the engine of your car running. This will give you a better chance of escaping with your teeth intact.

The best way to avoid death while batting?

Well, the obvious answer is 'don't bat'.

If you have carried out my previous instructions to the letter, you won't be asked to play any more, thus preventing death while batting. It has the additional benefit of avoiding death by bowling, fielding and scoring too. Pencil-death is the 1,309th most deadly killer of scorers. Use a biro.

Hope I've helped.

[Mr. P]

DD i would ask something else but my computer appears to be stuffed

firstly: caps lock is the wrong way around

secondly: the shift key is on all the time for some reason so i cant use numbers and stuff like that

also: whenever i open a page on the net it opens it up in a new window

[Neil Pickup]

I will keep your advice in mind, DD.

[Mr. P]

DD no need to worry your mind about my problem now. its solved.

[Mr. P]

DD, I am currently in the worst batting form of my successful career at first drop. (11 runs from 4 games)

What would be the best way to get myself back on track? (Believe me ive tried a few)

[luckyeddie]

Originally posted by Mr Mxyzptlk
DD, what was Steve Waugh thinking when he decided to bowl himself for a duck today?

<quack>

Very good question indeed, Mixl... mzix.... mucky.... w axl rose... Doris.

Steve Waugh is a 'reactor' as opposed to a 'thinker'.

He was given the nickname 'Nuclear', not because of his reactive qualities, but because he is Lysdexic, and he naturally reads the word as 'Unclear'.

When he was striding out to the wicket, his first thought was 'have I fed the cat?'. Muddled thinking indeed, since Philip Tufnell wasn't even at the ground.

Batting with a shower-fresh Damien Martyn is difficult at the best of times on account of his armpits, but the Gabba on a humid day really gets the old sweat glands going. The fact that Martyn was approaching a half-century weighed heavily on Waugh's mind - he was minutes away from having to congratulate him in the middle. This, coupled with the fact that Waugh is a great admirer of Inzamam ul-Haq's technique. spelled impending doom for Martyn - and justifiably so. The fact that it was a no-ball made it even funnier.

So you see, when he faced THAT BOUNCER from Zaheer Khan, his cards were marked.

Remember this one vital fact:

Steve Waugh is ALWAYS susceptible to the short delivery early in his innings. Captains of opposing sides over the last 60 years of Waugh's career have always known this - the fact that this is the first time he has actually got out to one does not change the fact. Common knowledge.

In short, he was thinking "I wish I had retired last year"

[luckyeddie]

Originally posted by Mr. Ponting
DD, I am currently in the worst batting form of my successful career at first drop. (11 runs from 4 games)

What would be the best way to get myself back on track? (Believe me ive tried a few)

<quack>

Dear Ricky:

Try holding the thin, black bit at the top.

[luckyeddie]

Originally posted by Mr. Ponting
DD i would ask something else but my computer appears to be stuffed

firstly: caps lock is the wrong way around

secondly: the shift key is on all the time for some reason so i cant use numbers and stuff like that

also: whenever i open a page on the net it opens it up in a new window

<quack>

Dear Ricky:

Despite the fact that you have sorted out the problem, I feel justified in replying anyway to assist others who might encounter a similar condition in future.

You do not have a 'caps lock' key on your computer. You have a 'kcol spac' key - and this might explain why you were holding your bat the wrong way round too.

Numbers are irrelevant - ask any mathematician.

Open your calculator, use your mouse to identify which number you wish to use, then 'paste' them into your document. If your mouse is malfunctioning too, use a gerbil.

Always opening an internet page in a new window is indicative of your desire to pursue a career as a double-glazing salesman - a more likely prospect now you have described your batting skills.

[Samuel_Vimes]

Dear DD,

how would one go about it if one wished a very minor cricket country, whose name shall be undisclosed, to succeed in world cricket?

I await your answer in great suspense.

[luckyeddie]

Originally posted by Samuel_Vimes
Dear DD,

how would one go about it if one wished a very minor cricket country, whose name shall be undisclosed, to succeed in world cricket?

I await your answer in great suspense.

<quack>

Dear Captain Ahab:

Call me Ishmael.

As you are no doubt aware, cricket is fast-becoming a global sport and as such, there is no reason whatsoever for Norway not to aspire to greatness.

You have one key thing going for you (alongside Japan) - very big harpoons.

Thar she blows.

Pace is vital in international cricket, and as such your country's cricketing centre of excellence should bear this in mind when selecting good, strapping, promising youngsters who can strip the blubber off the side of a whale with those big knives on long poles in a matter of seconds shiver me timbers.

In addition, you can learn a great deal by playing other 'minor' countries who have a smattering of international players available to them. Start with the odd one-day 'friendly international' against, for instance, Wales.

THE WHITE WHALE.

I think that sums it up. Glad to be of help.