A letter

[Matteh]

He's been bankrolled by the Sultans.

[Mr Casson]

Dear The Coleman Family,

I hope this letter finds you well and that no unfortunate accidents have befallen you since a member of our forum wished death upon you all. It has caused me no small amount of concern worrying whether you and your son's friends are in good health and spirits. Perhaps for safety's sake, it would be best for you to avoid all congregating in one spot, such as at the funeral, lest you be visited by some great misfortune.

Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back, just to chat.

Truly yours, your biggest fan,

This is Stan

[benchmark00]

Touching.

[sledger]

Very moving itbt.

[Mr Casson]

Dear Benchmark00,

I am thinking of going into the lucrative cheesy bread industry. Do you think there is enough room for me and the giant family restaurant conglomerates to coexist?

Also, I'm still unaware of what exactly the main ingredients in 'cheesy bread' are. What is a 'cheesy bread'? Is it some kind of low-fat muffin?

Finally, I'm willing to share part of this startup venture with you. Please enclose a cheque for one-hundred million Albanian Leks, made out to my business associate, Afrim Skanderbeg, along with your answers to my questions.

This is not a scam,

Gjergj A.
4th in line to the throne of Albania

[benchmark00]

Mr. Casson STOP
Your constant letters are becoming a nuisance STOP
If you do not cease I will be forced to pursue legal action STOP

Regards,
Jim Shoes.

[NZTailender]

Dear Mr Casson, andyc, Son of Coco and anyone else who has experience in this field,

How do I get an Asian girlfriend? Being a cold, University town, I often see pretty Asian girls in my travels wearing a similar fashion of long coat, skirt, stockings and boots. I Find this very appealing, and would like to date an Asian girl. How do I go about this?

Your friend,
Charlie Cheesehands

[sledger]

Pocky. Imo.

[Mr Casson]

Dear Mr Casson, andyc, Son of Coco and anyone else who has experience in this field,

How do I get an Asian girlfriend? Being a cold, University town, I often see pretty Asian girls in my travels wearing a similar fashion of long coat, skirt, stockings and boots. I Find this very appealing, and would like to date an Asian girl. How do I go about this?

Your friend,
Charlie Cheesehands

Dear Charlie,

Thank you for your letter, though I must say I found the substance of it to be quite concerning. I hope I'm not too late in saying this, but please abandon your plans for Oriental copulation with great haste. Before you know it you will be thinking twice before drinking water from the shower tap.

Charlie my friend, I've enclosed a wet refresher towelette to deal with your cheese hand dilemma (I got it with an ultimate burger meal combo at KFC). It's already used of course, but I thought you might find some use in it all the same.

Your BFF,

Mr Casson

[NZTailender]

Dear Charlie,

Thank you for your letter, though I must say I found the substance of it to be quite concerning. I hope I'm not too late in saying this, but please abandon your plans for Oriental copulation with great haste. Before you know it you will be thinking twice before drinking water from the shower tap.

Charlie my friend, I've enclosed a wet refresher towelette to deal with your cheese hand dilemma (I got it with an ultimate burger meal combo at KFC). It's already used of course, but I thought you might find some use in it all the same.

Your BFF,

Mr Casson

Mr Casson,

Thank you for your advice and towelette. I just have one further question for you to deal with.

Where's my burrito?

Sincerely in Helsinki,
Charlie Cheesehands, BA WAC

[Mr Casson]

Dear my good friends at Nokia,

Please design a drunk-dialling mode on your next phone which prevents the user from making outbound calls for a certain period, say six hours.

Best regards,

Cirrhosis McDialysis

[sledger]

Dear Casson,

**** off you ****.

Regards

Mitchell

[Matteh]

I just called....to say....I, like, you.

Heard about this show called Peep Show? Is pretty sweet.

[sledger]

Very popular in SA I heard. Which is much better than the UK btw.

[Matteh]

Braai, Pissweak Britain, flying, photos, peep show.

/over

Incidentially