The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats,
and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when
threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing
the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on
all of their allies "just in case".
Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due
to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of
escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The
barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the
final escalation level.