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Thread: The Lame Joke Corner

  1. #976
    International Captain wellAlbidarned's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Himannv View Post
    Security Levels

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats,
    and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".
    Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
    even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
    blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been
    re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the
    British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when
    threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
    the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
    have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300
    years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
    alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France
    are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent
    fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing
    the country's military capability.

    Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
    "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
    Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

    The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
    to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher
    levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
    they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
    These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
    can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on
    all of their allies "just in case".

    Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

    New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due
    to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of
    escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
    "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:
    "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The
    barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the
    final escalation level.
    Awesome!
    Exit pursuing a beer

  2. #977
    Hall of Fame Member Goughy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BoyBrumby View Post
    A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vets.

    The vet asks, "Is it a tom?"

    Yorkshireman replies "Nay, lad, I brought it wi' us."
    Its killing me but I dont get it
    If I only just posted the above post, please wait 5 mins before replying as there is bound to be edits

    West Robham Rabid Wolves Caedere lemma quod eat lemma

    Happy Birthday! (easier than using Birthday threads)

    Email and MSN- Goughy at cricketmail dot net

  3. #978
    Englishman BoyBrumby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Goughy View Post
    Its killing me but I dont get it
    Say the vet's line in a broad Tyke brogue.
    Cricket Web's 2013/14 Premier League Tipping Champion

    - As featured in The Independent.

    "as much a news event as an actual footballer, a worthy stop-start centre forward, but an all-time hyper-galactico when it comes to doing funny things with cars and hats, a player whose signing proves once again that the Premier League is still undoubtedly the best in the world when it comes to doing things with cars and hats."
    - Barney Ronay on Mario Balotelli

  4. #979
    International Coach flibbertyjibber's Avatar
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    What do Arsenal, Spurs and Sir Paul McCartney have in common?

    They all get excited over one leg.


  5. #980
    Hall of Fame Member Goughy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BoyBrumby View Post
    Say the vet's line in a broad Tyke brogue.
    "Is it at home?"

  6. #981
    Englishman BoyBrumby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Goughy View Post
    "Is it at home?"
    There you go.

    Tis the lame joke thread after all.

  7. #982
    International Coach flibbertyjibber's Avatar
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    Every time i get something stuck in my throat i just drink a pint of lager to dislodge it.

    I call it the Heineken manoeuvre.

  8. #983
    Englishman BoyBrumby's Avatar
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    How do you spot a blind man at a nudist colony?

    -It isn't hard.

  9. #984
    State Vice-Captain
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    How many babies does it take to paint a house?

    Depends on how hard you throw them.

  10. #985
    International Coach
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    what do you do to stop a baby from moving in circles

    nail its other foot to to ground

  11. #986
    Cricket Web Staff Member Burgey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Daemon View Post
    what do you do to stop a baby from moving in circles

    nail its other foot to to ground
    Quote Originally Posted by zorax View Post
    How many babies does it take to paint a house?

    Depends on how hard you throw them.
    So good that it's still 1981 in this thread.
    WWCC - Loyaulte Mi Lie
    "People make me happy.. not places.. people"

    "When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life." - Samuel Johnson

    "Hope is the fuel of progress and fear is the prison in which you put yourself" - Tony Benn

  12. #987
    International Coach KiWiNiNjA's Avatar
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    What sits in the corner getting redder and redder, and smaller and smaller?

    A baby with a potato peeler.

  13. #988
    State Vice-Captain
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    What gets louder as it gets smaller?

    A baby in a trash compactor.

  14. #989
    cpr
    cpr is offline
    Cricketer Of The Year cpr's Avatar
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    There's a debate going on in the Middle East over whether the Flintstones should be shown on TV.
    The people of Dubai do not understand the humour, but those in Abu Dhabi do.
    "All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher." - Ambrose Bierce
    Langeveldt: I of course blame their parents.. and unchecked immigration!
    GingerFurball: He's Austrian, they tend to produce the odd ****ed up individual
    Burgey: Be careful dealing with neighbours whose cars don't have wheels but whose houses do.
    Uppercut: Maybe I just need better strippers

  15. #990
    Englishman BoyBrumby's Avatar
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    A Glaswegian is in a restaurant and has just finished his main course. The waiter comes to his table to clearn his dishes away and asks,

    "For dessert, would sir like some rice pudding or a meringue?"

    The diner replies,

    "Aye, yer no rang. Ah'd love some rice puddin'."



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