The Lame Joke Corner

[duffer]

Hey guys, who opened the bowling yesterday?

[benchmark00]

Boweling.

[duffer]

Almost. First three letters are ok.

[ripper868]

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way
the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

[Quaggas]

Strange Signs From Abroad - Interactive Feature - NYTimes.com

[LongHopCassidy]

A husband and wife are driving along a highway, when a huge truck drives into them on the wife's side.

At the hospital, the husband is informed that the wife has had significant brain trauma.

'How significant?' he asks.

The doctor, ruefully, replies 'She'll be in a vegetative state for up to ten years, and only if she spends every moment up till then in hospital.'

The husband is mortified. 'That's terrible! Is there nothing that anyone can do? Is surgery possible? I'll pay anything! I'll take out a second mortgage, I'll...'

He gets cut off. 'There IS an alternative that's been tested with a ten percent success rate on people in severe comas...'

Husband's eyes widen. 'What is it?'

'Oral sex.'

Without another word, the husband runs to the hospital bed of his betrothed and draws the curtains. There's a brief few seconds of rustling clothes, which the doctor presumes is the husband taking off the wife's gown. Surprised at the husband's eagerness, the doctor turns his eye to the wife's heart monitor and follows it carefully.

Suddenly there's a shriek from behind the curtain, and the wife's heart rate goes into freefall. The doctor grabs the defibrillators and with practised speed begins to resuscitate her in between jolts. Miraculously, her heart rate returns to normal, although her coma appears to be unchanged.

The doctor asks the husband, 'What on earth happened?!'

The husband looks at the floor.

'I think she choked.'

[BoyBrumby]

Wife asks her husband if he's ever pissed in the shower. He replies,

"A couple of times, accidentally."

She says,

"That's disgusting! & what do you mean 'accidentally'?"

Bloke responds

"These things happen when you're having a crap."

[PhoenixFire]

A shameless steal from Facebook. But seriously, I'm totally against holocaust jokes, Anne Frankley I won't put up with them.

[Burgey]

Who was that terrible actress who was playing Anne Frank in a stage production and when the Germans burst in, someone in the audience yelled out "she's upstairs in the attic?". Can never remember.

[Uppercut]

Originally Posted by Burgey

Who was that terrible actress who was playing Anne Frank in a stage production and when the Germans burst in, someone in the audience yelled out "she's upstairs in the attic?". Can never remember.

snopes.com: Pia Zadora's Anne Frank Performance

[andyc]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did..

[ripper868]

Holocaust jokes aren't funny, Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it.

[Faisal1985]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[nightprowler10]

[Manee]

Knock knock.