Page 13 of 121 FirstFirst ... 311121314152363113 ... LastLast
Results 181 to 195 of 1801
Like Tree106Likes

Thread: The Lame Joke Corner

  1. #181
    Eternal Optimist / Cricket Web Staff Member GIMH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Jason Koumas is having a party
    Posts
    48,067
    Groceries ...

    A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

    2 litres of low fat milk
    a carton of eggs
    2 litres of orange juice
    a head of lettuce
    half a dozen tomatoes
    a 500g jar of coffee
    a 250g pack of bacon

    As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
    drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
    the cashier.

    While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
    "You must be single."

    The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
    by the derelict's intuition since she was indeed single.

    She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing unusual about
    her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
    status.

    Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
    you're absolutely right, but how on earth did you know that?"

    The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
    "It was an easy decision to sign. I could have gone elsewhere, I had calls, but it never entered my mind it's not about the money."
    Jason Koumas

    SWA

    RIP Craigos. A true CW legend. You will be missed.

  2. #182
    Eternal Optimist / Cricket Web Staff Member GIMH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Jason Koumas is having a party
    Posts
    48,067
    haha, this one is dire

    A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a hugefish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to deathwith a spade. Realizing his employer wont be best pleased he disposes ofthe fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he isattacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at twochimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to thelions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls thecorpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the SouthAmerican Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabsthe spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do andthrows them! into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to anotherlion and says "What's the food like here?"(wait for it!!)....










    The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps withMushy Bees.

  3. #183
    Hall of Fame Member Johnners's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    19,030
    hahaha
    Quote Originally Posted by Jono View Post
    Mitch Johnson is ****ing awesome for cricket.
    Quote Originally Posted by pasag View Post
    Ponting's ability to ton up in the first innings of a series should not be understated. So much pressure, so important. What a great!

  4. #184
    International Coach PhoenixFire's Avatar
    Curveball Champion!
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Bitch please, I'm from West Yorkshire
    Posts
    14,988
    Quote Originally Posted by GeraintIsMyHero View Post
    Groceries ...

    A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

    2 litres of low fat milk
    a carton of eggs
    2 litres of orange juice
    a head of lettuce
    half a dozen tomatoes
    a 500g jar of coffee
    a 250g pack of bacon

    As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
    drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
    the cashier.

    While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
    "You must be single."

    The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
    by the derelict's intuition since she was indeed single.

    She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing unusual about
    her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
    status.

    Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
    you're absolutely right, but how on earth did you know that?"

    The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
    I genuinely lol'd at that one, quality
    Quote Originally Posted by Top_Cat View Post
    1) Had double pneumonia as a kid, as did my twin sis. Doctors told my parents to pray that we lived through the night. Dad said **** off, I'm an atheist, you ****s better save my kids, etc. Then prayed anyway.


  5. #185
    International Coach HeathDavisSpeed's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Rummaging through Iain O'Brien's dustbins.
    Posts
    14,305
    American colloquial language purveyed during the Eisenhower years (1953-61) - written by Graham Wisz
    >>>>>>WHHOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHH>>>>>>
    Fascist Dictator of the Heath Davis Appreciation Society
    Supporting Petone's Finest since the very start - Iain O'Brien
    Adam Wheater - Another batsman off the Essex production line
    Also Supporting the All Time #1 Batsman of All Time Ever - Jacques Kallis and the much maligned Peter Siddle.


    Vimes tells it how it is:
    Quote Originally Posted by Samuel_Vimes View Post
    Heath worryingly quick.

  6. #186
    Hall of Fame Member steds's Avatar
    Breakout Champion!
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    ****ing cold and ****ing wet
    Posts
    17,201
    Quote Originally Posted by GeraintIsMyHero View Post
    Groceries ...

    A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

    2 litres of low fat milk
    a carton of eggs
    2 litres of orange juice
    a head of lettuce
    half a dozen tomatoes
    a 500g jar of coffee
    a 250g pack of bacon

    As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
    drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
    the cashier.

    While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
    "You must be single."

    The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
    by the derelict's intuition since she was indeed single.

    She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing unusual about
    her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
    status.

    Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
    you're absolutely right, but how on earth did you know that?"

    The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
    Hahahaha.

  7. #187
    Hall of Fame Member steds's Avatar
    Breakout Champion!
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    ****ing cold and ****ing wet
    Posts
    17,201
    What is the difference between a Wigan girl and a Walrus ?

    One is ugly with facial hair and stinks of fish and the other is a marine mammal.

  8. #188
    International Coach PhoenixFire's Avatar
    Curveball Champion!
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Bitch please, I'm from West Yorkshire
    Posts
    14,988
    Quote Originally Posted by steds View Post
    What is the difference between a Wigan girl and a Walrus ?

    One is ugly with facial hair and stinks of fish and the other is a marine mammal.

  9. #189
    cpr
    cpr is offline
    Cricketer Of The Year cpr's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Cheshire
    Posts
    9,912
    oooh, if were doing stereotypes i've got a whole load of scouse jokes awaiting (dont worry, i can take the stick back).

    I'll save them for now, bar one


    Why wasn't Jesus born on Merseyside?
    You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin in Liverpool


    "All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher." - Ambrose Bierce
    Langeveldt: I of course blame their parents.. and unchecked immigration!
    GingerFurball: He's Austrian, they tend to produce the odd ****ed up individual
    Burgey: Be careful dealing with neighbours whose cars don't have wheels but whose houses do.
    Uppercut: Maybe I just need better strippers

  10. #190
    Hall of Fame Member steds's Avatar
    Breakout Champion!
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    ****ing cold and ****ing wet
    Posts
    17,201
    Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?

    Because if it walked it would get mugged.

  11. #191
    International Vice-Captain 33/3from3.3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Hell In A Cell
    Posts
    4,378
    Haha, noice Steds and CPR

    What happens when you give a Politician viagra?


    He grows taller!
    Maria - Due December

    Quote Originally Posted by NUFAN View Post
    "So this is what it feels like to be on top of a batsmen".
    RIP Fardin Qayummi - 15th April 2006

  12. #192
    Global Moderator nightprowler10's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Madhouse on Madison
    Posts
    14,181
    A pro golfer is riding in his limo when he sees a caddy eating grass by the side of the road. The pro stops the limo and asks the caddy why he is eating grass.

    "I don't have money for food", the caddy says.

    "Say no more", the pro says. "I won't stand for this. You can come to my house and I will feed you."

    The caddy says,"but I have my wife and 2 kids with me."

    "No problem", says the tour pro. "Pile in."

    When the hungry family gets in the limo the caddy says, "I can't thank you enough."

    "It's okay" says the pro, "you'll love my place. The grass is a foot high".
    RIP Craigos

  13. #193
    International Coach PhoenixFire's Avatar
    Curveball Champion!
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Bitch please, I'm from West Yorkshire
    Posts
    14,988
    Quote Originally Posted by steds View Post
    Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?

    Because if it walked it would get mugged.

  14. #194
    Englishman BoyBrumby's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Locked up inside my opium den, surrounded by some Chinamen
    Posts
    44,909
    How do you get a fat girl into bed?





































    It's a piece of cake.
    Cricket Web's 2013/14 Premier League Tipping Champion

    - As featured in The Independent.

    "The committee discussed the issue of illegal bowling actions, and believed that there are a number of bowlers currently employing suspect actions in international cricket, and that the ICC's reporting and testing procedures are not adequately scrutinising these bowlers."
    - Even the ICC's own official press release thinks things must change

  15. #195
    Hall of Fame Member Jamee999's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Leicestershire, UK
    Posts
    15,094
    Nicked off me mate:

    I was standing in the park wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger and bigger.... then it hit me.
    Or something.

    RIP Fardin Qayyumi (AKA "cricket player"; "Bob"), 1/11/1990 - 15/4/2006



Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 2250
    Last Post: 14-02-2014, 05:20 PM
  2. Joke of the day
    By Mister Wright in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 279
    Last Post: 12-06-2008, 02:44 PM
  3. Fletcher's a joke
    By BingLeeElectric in forum Ashes 2006/07
    Replies: 61
    Last Post: 07-12-2006, 09:55 PM
  4. Black armbands - what a joke !
    By sqwerty in forum Cricket Chat
    Replies: 45
    Last Post: 30-11-2006, 02:15 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •