The Lame Joke Corner - Page 13

GIMH · 24-07-2007, 05:40 PM

Groceries ...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

2 litres of low fat milk
a carton of eggs
2 litres of orange juice
a head of lettuce
half a dozen tomatoes
a 500g jar of coffee
a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing unusual about
her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right, but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

GIMH · 24-07-2007, 05:41 PM

haha, this one is dire

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a hugefish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to deathwith a spade. Realizing his employer wont be best pleased he disposes ofthe fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he isattacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at twochimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to thelions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls thecorpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the SouthAmerican Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabsthe spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do andthrows them! into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to anotherlion and says "What's the food like here?"(wait for it!!)....

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps withMushy Bees.

Johnners · 24-07-2007, 05:49 PM

hahaha

PhoenixFire · 25-07-2007, 05:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GeraintIsMyHero

Groceries ...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

2 litres of low fat milk
a carton of eggs
2 litres of orange juice
a head of lettuce
half a dozen tomatoes
a 500g jar of coffee
a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing unusual about
her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right, but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

I genuinely lol'd at that one, quality

HeathDavisSpeed · 27-07-2007, 04:06 PM

American colloquial language purveyed during the Eisenhower years (1953-61) - written by Graham Wisz

steds · 03-10-2007, 01:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GeraintIsMyHero

Groceries ...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

2 litres of low fat milk
a carton of eggs
2 litres of orange juice
a head of lettuce
half a dozen tomatoes
a 500g jar of coffee
a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing unusual about
her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right, but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Hahahaha.

steds · 03-10-2007, 01:22 PM

What is the difference between a Wigan girl and a Walrus ?

One is ugly with facial hair and stinks of fish and the other is a marine mammal.

PhoenixFire · 03-10-2007, 02:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by steds

What is the difference between a Wigan girl and a Walrus ?

One is ugly with facial hair and stinks of fish and the other is a marine mammal.

cpr · 03-10-2007, 03:42 PM

oooh, if were doing stereotypes i've got a whole load of scouse jokes awaiting (dont worry, i can take the stick back).

I'll save them for now, bar one

Why wasn't Jesus born on Merseyside?
You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin in Liverpool

steds · 03-10-2007, 03:57 PM

Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?

Because if it walked it would get mugged.

33/3from3.3 · 03-10-2007, 06:10 PM

Haha, noice Steds and CPR

What happens when you give a Politician viagra?

He grows taller!

nightprowler10 · 11-10-2007, 02:24 PM

A pro golfer is riding in his limo when he sees a caddy eating grass by the side of the road. The pro stops the limo and asks the caddy why he is eating grass.

"I don't have money for food", the caddy says.

"Say no more", the pro says. "I won't stand for this. You can come to my house and I will feed you."

The caddy says,"but I have my wife and 2 kids with me."

"No problem", says the tour pro. "Pile in."

When the hungry family gets in the limo the caddy says, "I can't thank you enough."

"It's okay" says the pro, "you'll love my place. The grass is a foot high".

PhoenixFire · 11-10-2007, 02:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by steds

Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?

Because if it walked it would get mugged.

BoyBrumby · 14-10-2007, 03:23 PM

How do you get a fat girl into bed?

It's a piece of cake.

Jamee999 · 17-11-2007, 03:05 PM

Nicked off me mate:

I was standing in the park wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger and bigger.... then it hit me.

24-07-2007, 05:40 PM	#181 (permalink)
GIMH Eternal Optimist Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Shake my tree where's the apple for me? Posts: 43,612	Groceries ... A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk a carton of eggs 2 litres of orange juice a head of lettuce half a dozen tomatoes a 500g jar of coffee a 250g pack of bacon As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right, but how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." __________________ Watch out, for as soon as it pleases them they’ll send you out to protect their gold in wars whose weapons, rapidly developed by servile scientists, will become more and more deadly until they can with a flick of the finger tear a million of you to pieces RIP Craigos. A true CW legend. You will be missed.

11-10-2007, 02:24 PM	#192 (permalink)
nightprowler10 Global Moderator Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Madhouse on Madison Posts: 13,389	A pro golfer is riding in his limo when he sees a caddy eating grass by the side of the road. The pro stops the limo and asks the caddy why he is eating grass. "I don't have money for food", the caddy says. "Say no more", the pro says. "I won't stand for this. You can come to my house and I will feed you." The caddy says,"but I have my wife and 2 kids with me." "No problem", says the tour pro. "Pile in." When the hungry family gets in the limo the caddy says, "I can't thank you enough." "It's okay" says the pro, "you'll love my place. The grass is a foot high". __________________ Can't decide on a signature? Why not Zoidberg? (\/) (;,,;) (\/) RIP Craigos

14-10-2007, 03:23 PM	#194 (permalink)
BoyBrumby Englishman Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Doing the stance Posts: 42,629	How do you get a fat girl into bed? It's a piece of cake. __________________ *- As featured in The Independent.* "This is not the time for namby-pamby promising youngsters who might just do something; not the time for building for the future. Pragmatism rules and they don't come more pragmatic than Rogers." - Victor Marks makes the case for stiff-legged and stiff-armed 35 year old left-handers in Ashes squads

17-11-2007, 03:05 PM	#195 (permalink)
Jamee999 Hall of Fame Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Leicestershire, UK Posts: 15,068	Nicked off me mate: I was standing in the park wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger and bigger.... then it hit me. __________________ Or something. RIP Fardin Qayyumi (AKA "cricket player"; "Bob"), 1/11/1990 - 15/4/2006

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24-07-2007, 05:41 PM	#182 (permalink)
GIMH Eternal Optimist Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Shake my tree where's the apple for me? Posts: 43,612	haha, this one is dire A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a hugefish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to deathwith a spade. Realizing his employer wont be best pleased he disposes ofthe fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he isattacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at twochimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to thelions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls thecorpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the SouthAmerican Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabsthe spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do andthrows them! into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to anotherlion and says "What's the food like here?"(wait for it!!).... The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps withMushy Bees.

03-10-2007, 01:22 PM	#187 (permalink)
steds Hall of Fame Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Riding public transport back and forth Posts: 16,914	What is the difference between a Wigan girl and a Walrus ? One is ugly with facial hair and stinks of fish and the other is a marine mammal.

03-10-2007, 03:57 PM	#190 (permalink)
steds Hall of Fame Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Riding public transport back and forth Posts: 16,914	Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool? Because if it walked it would get mugged.

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