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Thread: The Lame Joke Corner

  1. #1726
    Englishman BoyBrumby's Avatar
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    What's the difference between jam and marmalade?




















































    -You can't marmalade your cock up your girlfriend's arse.
    Cricket Web's 2013/14 Premier League Tipping Champion

    - As featured in The Independent.

    "The committee discussed the issue of illegal bowling actions, and believed that there are a number of bowlers currently employing suspect actions in international cricket, and that the ICC's reporting and testing procedures are not adequately scrutinising these bowlers."
    - Even the ICC's own official press release thinks things must change

  2. #1727
    International Coach uvelocity's Avatar
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    youve used that before i reckon, but still good
    Quote Originally Posted by sledger View Post
    I just love all kinds of balls.

  3. #1728
    International Captain wellAlbidarned's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Flem274* View Post
    albert stahp copying jokes from ifls pls
    you're not going to turn me into the fuzz are you
    Exit pursuing a beer

  4. #1729
    Cricketer Of The Year Manee's Avatar
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    Had a dreadful time at the fringe and never want to do stand-up again...however...here is a video of my set...

    Manraj Bahra Edinburgh Fringe 2013 - YouTube
    The speed at which a fielding team gets through the innings is overrated.


  5. #1730
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend Uppercut's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Manee View Post
    Had a dreadful time at the fringe and never want to do stand-up again...however...here is a video of my set...
    How come?
    Quote Originally Posted by zaremba View Post
    The Filth have comfortably the better bowling. But the Gash have the batting. Might be quite good to watch.

  6. #1731
    Cricketer Of The Year Manee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Uppercut View Post
    How come?
    Loads of nights went dreadfully. I think a lot of stand-up is self-belief and desire and I just don't have enough of either. Maybe in 10-20 years I'll try to make another go of it, but for the moment, I want to start a regular career.

  7. #1732
    Eternal Optimist / Cricket Web Staff Member GIMH's Avatar
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    A racist, a cannibal and a footballer walk into a bar.

    The barman says, "what can I get for you Mr Suarez?"
    BoyBrumby, cpr, Uppercut and 1 others like this.

  8. #1733
    Englishman BoyBrumby's Avatar
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    I've just joined a reggae band. I'm gonna be playing the triangle.

    I stand at the back & ting.

  9. #1734
    Cricketer Of The Year Manee's Avatar
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    Gary Delaney's version which is possibly the original is boiled down to "I've started playing the triangle in a reggae band, and ting". Either way, such a good one liner.

    I've found it easy to stop performing but cannot stop writing, lemme know if you like any of these. My hit rate with new jokes is incredibly low so if any of these are even passable, lemme know.

    "I like to go to parties carrying a giant burning hammer...great icebreaker."
    "The wheels on my car never tyre"
    "Was walking down the street and saw a guy with a three week old mustache and I thought to myself...I NEED TO GET TESTED FOR TESTICULAR CANCER!"
    "I'll tell you who I envy...depressed people who are notoriously bad at shaving...because they can cut themselves on their face where everyone can see and get away with it...lucky buggers!"

    [Text message]"Manraj, I'm leaving you to concentrate on algebra...x"
    "Its not so much that I don't want to blow my own trumpet, its just...too many ribs!"
    "Laughing at someone's funeral is one of the worst things you can do...unless its your own...because that sort of **** could earn you, your own religion"
    "I dunno man, I would have thought that robbing neighbors would have been right up your street"
    "Sexism is alive and well when you consider that the male equivalent of Rachel Riley's job is Darts referee."
    Last edited by Manee; 11-09-2013 at 02:03 PM.

  10. #1735
    Englishman BoyBrumby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Manee View Post
    Gary Delaney's version which is possibly the original is boiled down to "I've started playing the triangle in a reggae band, and ting". Either way, such a good one liner.

    I've found it easy to stop performing but cannot stop writing, lemme know if you like any of these. My hit rate with new jokes is incredibly low so if any of these are even passable, lemme know.

    "I like to go to parties carrying a giant burning hammer...great icebreaker."
    "The wheels on my car never tyre"
    "Was walking down the street and saw a guy with a three week old mustache and I thought to myself...I NEED TO GET TESTED FOR TESTICULAR CANCER!"
    "I'll tell you who I envy...depressed people who are notoriously bad at shaving...because they can cut themselves on their face where everyone can see and get away with it...lucky buggers!"

    [Text message]"Manraj, I'm leaving you to concentrate on algebra...x"
    "Its not so much that I don't want to blow my own trumpet, its just...too many ribs!"
    "Laughing at someone's funeral is one of the worst things you can do...unless its your own...because that sort of **** could earn you, your own religion"
    "I dunno man, I would have thought that robbing neighbors would have been right up your street"

    "Sexism is alive and well when you consider that the male equivalent of Rachel Riley's job is Darts referee."
    The one's I've highlighted all elicited chuckles.

    Meanwhile:

    I was waiting at baggage claims at the airport and I realised everyone else had better luggage than me.

    A real worst case scenario.

  11. #1736
    Cricketer Of The Year Manee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BoyBrumby View Post
    The one's I've highlighted all elicited chuckles.

    Meanwhile:

    I was waiting at baggage claims at the airport and I realised everyone else had better luggage than me.

    A real worst case scenario.
    Thanks for that. Love the joke too.

    "Went jogging in Liverpool, lost 5 pounds".

    Not hard to tell what inspired the fourth one of my jokes. My electric shaver is broken and as a result, my face is now ruined.

    These aren't really jokes...they are more of a theoretical piece during a set when I get a girl from the audience and use some 'chat-up' lines on her. No idea if these are funny but they amuse me.

    "You're one in a million...which is to say that there is around 7000 people like you in the world and statistically, most of them are Chinese"
    "You're beautiful like a sunset...but you're not like a sunset in that if I stared at you at the wrong time of day...it'd be legally rather than physically damaging to me"
    "Keeping in mind that the left brain is cerebral, logical, thoughtful and dull and the right brain is creative and fun...I would like to **** your brains out"
    Last edited by Manee; 12-09-2013 at 12:31 PM.
    TommoHawk likes this.

  12. #1737
    International Coach KiWiNiNjA's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Manee View Post
    "You're one in a million...which is to say that there is around 7000 people like you in the world and statistically, most of them are Chinese"

  13. #1738
    cpr
    cpr is offline
    Cricketer Of The Year cpr's Avatar
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    ^ Yeah that one got me too!
    "All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher." - Ambrose Bierce
    Langeveldt: I of course blame their parents.. and unchecked immigration!
    GingerFurball: He's Austrian, they tend to produce the odd ****ed up individual
    Burgey: Be careful dealing with neighbours whose cars don't have wheels but whose houses do.
    Uppercut: Maybe I just need better strippers

  14. #1739
    Cricketer Of The Year Hurricane's Avatar
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    Courtesy of a real estate agent who emails me.

    It's the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right behind the goal square. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

    He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

    "No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty"

    This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Grand final and not use it?"

    The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1966"

    "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

    The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."
    Daemon, GIMH and Esperance like this.
    Quote Originally Posted by HeathDavisSpeed View Post
    I got great enjoyment in going to the game and shouting "WHY THE **** ISN'T THIS GAME BEING PLAYED AT THE BASIN?!>!?!?" to reasonably significant cheers from the sparse crowd
    Proudly against the bring back Bennett movement since he is injury prone and won't last 5 days.

  15. #1740
    Cricketer Of The Year Hurricane's Avatar
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    Can't recall if I've told this one before so here goes

    A head rolls it way into the bar and somehow props itself up on to the bar and tells the barkeep to serve him a beer. The bartender looks confused but serves him a beer and puts a straw into the mouth of the head. The head takes a sip and bang - a neck and two arms suddenly appear attached to the head- and the crowd behind him get excited and urge him to have another drink. So the head this time uses one of his arms to pick up the beer and takes a fairly big gulp and boom a chest and torso appear and the crowd starts cheering like crazy. Have a another drink they start chanting. So the fellow picks up a drink and has another gulp and a leg appears. So he starts hopping around and high fiving the crowd and getting pictures taken with cute girls. After about 15 minutes the crowd starts imploring him to finish the beer so he can be a whole person. So the fellow picks up the beer and necks the rest of it. And bam he explodes all over the bar. The bartender slowly gets out his mop to clean up and mutters "should have quit while he was ahead."



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