The Lame Joke Corner

[Manee]

Always wonder how bad swimmers are successfully conceived.

[Daemon]

use the like feature noobs

[Samuel_Vimes]

use the like feature noobs

[Manee]

Auditioned for The Matrix. I got a call back and it transpired that I'd either be playing the hero or the hated villain. Luckily, got cast as the hero...feel I dodged a bullet there.

[Agent Nationaux]

use the like feature noobs

Have to increase my post count ****

[Daemon]

Have to increase my post count ****

Well others need to increase their 'likes received' count

[Daemon]

I saw a study that said one out of every 10 people are gay.

I've had sex with 10 people.

That really weirds me out, because statistically, that means at least one of those dudes was probably gay.

[uvelocity]

it was you tbf

[Daemon]

Rumour is that Kate's having a Caesarian. They want the baby to come out through the sunroof as a tribute to its grandmother.

[Manee]

Rumour is that Kate's having a Caesarian. They want the baby to come out through the sunroof as a tribute to its grandmother.

Oh no!

[Esperance]

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident.
They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, “St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have our wedding vows celebrated. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?”
St. Peter looked at him and said, “I’m sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I’m afraid you’ll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday.”
Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request.
The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, “I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again.”
A year went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back.
Again, the Lord God Almighty said, “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request.”
This happened year after year, for ten years. Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year.
In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again.
This time the Lord answered, “Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00 p.m. We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!”
The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride looked beautiful. All of heaven’s denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.
Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty.
Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce.
The Lord heard their request, looked at them, and said, “Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it’ll take us to find a lawyer?”

[Manee]

Spouses grow to look like each other. So, to be good looking and get girls, I must first marry a model...hmmm...

[BoyBrumby]

I spent an hour at my wife's grave this morning.

She still thinks I'm digging a fish pond.

[smalishah84]

[BoyBrumby]

I saw my mate in the pub today looking really pissed off so I asked him what was wrong.

"I got fired today", he said, "for downloading something on to the work computer and causing everything to crash."

"That sounds a bit harsh", I replied.

"They don't **** around at Air Traffic Control", he said.