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Thread: The Lame Joke Corner

  1. #1651
    International Vice-Captain Monk's Avatar
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    10 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of soldiers dead, state of the art technology, but the US finally found Bin Laden.

    In his house.

  2. #1652
    International Vice-Captain Monk's Avatar
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    I've had an email telling me that a long lost relative of mine has snuffed it (never even heard of him so no real grief) and left me $900,000 in his will.

    Apparently he died in Africa somewhere and this Attorney bloke, Jackson Nkomo, emailed me to let me know the news.

    He said that he needed $8,000 to get all the admin sorted so obviously I transferred the wedge over there double lively.

    I've given him all my bank details and so now all I've got to do is sit back and wait for all that lovely lolly to to appear in my account!

    You probably won't see me on here for a while as I'll be gallivanting all over the world spunking dough left, right and centre.

    Laters losers.

  3. #1653
    Cricketer Of The Year Bahnz's Avatar
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    Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

    Because the p is silent.
    Quote Originally Posted by HeathDavisSpeed View Post
    I can think of a list of Sydney Grade posters who would contribute a better average post than Bahnz.
    Maow like no one can hear you maowing.

  4. #1654
    International Coach uvelocity's Avatar
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    nice one bahnz
    Quote Originally Posted by sledger View Post
    I just love all kinds of balls.


  5. #1655
    International Captain wellAlbidarned's Avatar
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    Exit pursuing a beer

  6. #1656
    U19 Debutant
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    Scottish Sheep Farmer


    A Scotsman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

    After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

    The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

    The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

    The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie down, and wallowin the grass, when they are pregnant.

    The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

    So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into thewoods, has sex with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.

    Next morning,he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

    He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for goodmeasure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

    Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standingaround.

    "Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.

    He spends all day shagging the sheep, and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

    He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

    "No,"she says,"They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."


  7. #1657
    International Coach uvelocity's Avatar
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    why did the oyster leave the party?
    he pulled a mussel

  8. #1658
    Cricketer Of The Year Agent Nationaux's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by doesitmatter View Post
    Scottish Sheep Farmer


    A Scotsman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

    After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

    The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

    The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

    The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie down, and wallowin the grass, when they are pregnant.

    The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

    So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into thewoods, has sex with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.

    Next morning,he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

    He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for goodmeasure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

    Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standingaround.

    "Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.

    He spends all day shagging the sheep, and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

    He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

    "No,"she says,"They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

    Quote Originally Posted by BoyBrumby View Post
    Yeah, look, it gives me a pain deep inside my uterus to admit it, but it's Ajmal until such time as we get a working throwing law again.
    Never in a million years would I have thought Brumby to admit this!!!!!!

  9. #1659
    U19 Debutant
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    Just a joke y'all...............

    The IRS sends their auditor to audit a synagogue.

    The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

    “Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

    “Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.

    “A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”

    “Oh,” replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way. “Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

    “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.”

    “Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

    “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”

    “Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.”

    “To the IRS ?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.

    “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “directly to The IRS …And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”
    TommoHawk likes this.

  10. #1660
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    Quote Originally Posted by doesitmatter View Post
    Scottish Sheep Farmer


    A Scotsman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

    After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

    The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

    The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

    The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie down, and wallowin the grass, when they are pregnant.

    The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

    So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into thewoods, has sex with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.

    Next morning,he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

    He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for goodmeasure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

    Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standingaround.

    "Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.

    He spends all day shagging the sheep, and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

    He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

    "No,"she says,"They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."


  11. #1661
    Hall of Fame Member Howe_zat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wellAlbidarned View Post
    oh my I love it
    Every 5 years we have an election and have to decide who are the least obnoxious out of all the men. Then one gets in and they age really quickly. Which is always fun to watch.

  12. #1662
    Englishman BoyBrumby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by doesitmatter View Post
    Just a joke y'all...............

    The IRS sends their auditor to audit a synagogue.

    The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

    “Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

    “Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.

    “A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”

    “Oh,” replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way. “Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

    “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.”

    “Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

    “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”

    “Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.”

    “To the IRS ?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.

    “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “directly to The IRS …And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”
    Reminds me of an old chestnut:

    Why are there no Jewish Man Utd fans?

    -Only complete pricks support United.
    Cricket Web's 2013/14 Premier League Tipping Champion

    - As featured in The Independent.

    "as much a news event as an actual footballer, a worthy stop-start centre forward, but an all-time hyper-galactico when it comes to doing funny things with cars and hats, a player whose signing proves once again that the Premier League is still undoubtedly the best in the world when it comes to doing things with cars and hats."
    - Barney Ronay on Mario Balotelli

  13. #1663
    U19 Debutant
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    Quote Originally Posted by BoyBrumby View Post
    Reminds me of an old chestnut:

    Why are there no Jewish Man Utd fans?

    -Only complete pricks support United.
    I know a man-u joke along the same lines..

    What's the difference between a man-u fan and a vibrator?

    One's a real dick.

  14. #1664
    International Coach GotSpin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by doesitmatter View Post
    Scottish Sheep Farmer


    A Scotsman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

    After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

    The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

    The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

    The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie down, and wallowin the grass, when they are pregnant.

    The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

    So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into thewoods, has sex with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.

    Next morning,he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

    He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for goodmeasure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

    Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standingaround.

    "Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.

    He spends all day shagging the sheep, and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

    He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

    "No,"she says,"They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."


    Mark Waugh
    "He's [Michael Clarke] on Twitter saying sorry for not walking? Mate if he did that in our side there'd be hell to play. AB would chuck his Twitter box off the balcony or whatever it is. Sorry for not walking? Jesus Christ man."
    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it into a fruit salad
    RIP Craigos

  15. #1665
    Cricketer Of The Year Bahnz's Avatar
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    How was the Roman empire cut in two?

    With a pair of Caesars.
    Last edited by Bahnz; 05-05-2013 at 01:14 AM.



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