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Thread: The Lame Joke Corner

  1. #1621
    U19 Debutant
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    Last trip to Krogers (Retail Food Chain)

    Yesterday I was at my local Kroger buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had an elephant?

    So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

    Kroger won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.

  2. #1622
    Cricketer Of The Year Manee's Avatar
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    - Went to the vet shop today, bought a vet.
    - Old Roman empire joke: this white stuff falling from the sky is snow joke...and that's because its volcanic ash and we're all gonna die!!!!
    - SpamBots sound a lot more delicious than they actually are.
    - The virgin birth really reminds us that there is nothing Richard Branson can't commercialise.
    Last edited by Manee; 23-03-2013 at 11:08 AM.

  3. #1623
    Cricketer Of The Year Manee's Avatar
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    ***Need feedback on this, even if it is "not funny" or "don't get it"***

    Basically, as some of you know I was ill with cancer in 2011. The chemotherapy treatment made me infertile. Just before the treatment, they asked me to masturbate a sperm sample that could be frozen if I were to ever want to continue my bloodline. It was quite a traumatic experience really, a bizarre room with naked posters on the walls and a DVD player with two drawers of porn films and one drawer which was locked...I hesitate to think what was in that drawer really. The chairs were laid out in an awfully efficient position, allowing for the ideal mastabatory position, which judging from the shape of the chairs was the body position of a man doubled over in pain from a rather severe hernia.

    I was in that room for two hours, fiercely beating my flaccid penis but alas, something about wanking in a hospital with my parents literally waiting for me to finish didn't arouse me and unfortunately I was unsuccessful. I went home and cried that day over my failure.

    Oh well...at least its something to tell the grandkids.

    [sad face].

  4. #1624
    Englishman BoyBrumby's Avatar
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    It's great, tbh.

    Pitch dark, but great. The punchline seems suitably tossed off (see what I've done there?), but is really one of those that gives one a microbeat before the payoff kicks in; the "hang on..." factor one gets with quality wordplay.
    Cricket Web's 2013/14 Premier League Tipping Champion

    - As featured in The Independent.

    "The committee discussed the issue of illegal bowling actions, and believed that there are a number of bowlers currently employing suspect actions in international cricket, and that the ICC's reporting and testing procedures are not adequately scrutinising these bowlers."
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  5. #1625
    cpr
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    Cricketer Of The Year cpr's Avatar
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    Took 3 reads to notice the punch line, which definitely makes it my kind of joke
    "All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher." - Ambrose Bierce
    Langeveldt: I of course blame their parents.. and unchecked immigration!
    GingerFurball: He's Austrian, they tend to produce the odd ****ed up individual
    Burgey: Be careful dealing with neighbours whose cars don't have wheels but whose houses do.
    Uppercut: Maybe I just need better strippers

  6. #1626
    Hall of Fame Member Marcuss's Avatar
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    Would definitely cut down on some of the details. Just makes it too much IMO.

  7. #1627
    International Coach uvelocity's Avatar
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    what did the cheese say to the mirror?

    haloumi
    Quote Originally Posted by sledger View Post
    I just love all kinds of balls.

  8. #1628
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend Uppercut's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Manee View Post
    ***Need feedback on this, even if it is "not funny" or "don't get it"***

    Basically, as some of you know I was ill with cancer in 2011. The chemotherapy treatment made me infertile. Just before the treatment, they asked me to masturbate a sperm sample that could be frozen if I were to ever want to continue my bloodline. It was quite a traumatic experience really, a bizarre room with naked posters on the walls and a DVD player with two drawers of porn films and one drawer which was locked...I hesitate to think what was in that drawer really. The chairs were laid out in an awfully efficient position, allowing for the ideal mastabatory position, which judging from the shape of the chairs was the body position of a man doubled over in pain from a rather severe hernia.

    I was in that room for two hours, fiercely beating my flaccid penis but alas, something about wanking in a hospital with my parents literally waiting for me to finish didn't arouse me and unfortunately I was unsuccessful. I went home and cried that day over my failure.

    Oh well...at least its something to tell the grandkids.

    [sad face].
    I love this type of humour. Would go down so, so well in Ireland.

    Can be really moving when it's done well, too.
    Quote Originally Posted by zaremba View Post
    The Filth have comfortably the better bowling. But the Gash have the batting. Might be quite good to watch.

  9. #1629
    Cricketer Of The Year Manee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Uppercut View Post
    I love this type of humour. Would go down so, so well in Ireland.

    Can be really moving when it's done well, too.
    Going to an open mic tonight to do some new material but probably won't do it there because I probably need to have a think about how to deliver it. Will probably do it on Monday.

  10. #1630
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend Uppercut's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Manee View Post
    Going to an open mic tonight to do some new material but probably won't do it there because I probably need to have a think about how to deliver it. Will probably do it on Monday.
    My uninformed opinion is that those kinds of stories need to be told a little more slowly than most comedy.

  11. #1631
    Cricketer Of The Year Manee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Uppercut View Post
    My uninformed opinion is that those kinds of stories need to be told a little more slowly than most comedy.
    I'm pretty uninformed about this sort of thing considering I mainly do horrendously disguised one liners. Inspiration is this, tbh. I've seen him do this a couple times and have yet to hear a better reaction.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...6WdKQZg#t=336s

  12. #1632
    Hall of Fame Member Johnners's Avatar
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    Am I the only who finds it rather difficult to understand what he's saying?
    Quote Originally Posted by Jono View Post
    Mitch Johnson is ****ing awesome for cricket.
    Quote Originally Posted by pasag View Post
    Ponting's ability to ton up in the first innings of a series should not be understated. So much pressure, so important. What a great!

  13. #1633
    Cricketer Of The Year Manee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Johnners View Post
    Am I the only who finds it rather difficult to understand what he's saying?
    Severe speech impediment. Very good though. In terms of inflection, I think his delivery is near-perfect.

  14. #1634
    Hall of Fame Member Marcuss's Avatar
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    "Kim Jong-un has rockets on standby." - Joke's on him, really. Leaving appliances on standby costs the average household 86 per year.

  15. #1635
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend smalishah84's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by uvelocity View Post
    what did the cheese say to the mirror?

    haloumi


    haloumi cheese is awesome though
    And smalishah's avatar is the most classy one by far Jan certainly echoes the sentiments of CW

    Yeah we don't crap in the first world; most of us would actually have no idea what that was emanating from Ajmal's backside. Why isn't it roses and rainbows like what happens here? PEWS's retort to Ganeshran on Daemon's picture depicting Ajmal's excreta



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