The Lame Joke Corner

[Shri]

[MrPrez]

A baptist pastor and his wife wanted to get a dog. However, they realized that the dog would have to Baptist too in order for it to be accepted by the congregation. So the search began.

It lasted weeks and weeks until they finally reached a dog shelter. As per usual they asked if the shelter had any Baptist dogs. This time, though, the person in charge didn't say "sorry, no" but instead said "I have just the one." She went and fetched the dog.

The pastor wanted to test the dog before he purchased it, and he noticed a bible in a nearby bookshelf. "Fetch the bible" he commanded. The dog ran up to the bookshelf, rummaged among the books and found the bible. He brought it back to the pastor and put it at his feet. "Find Psalms 22:4," he commanded. The dog, showing incredible resourcefulness, managed to use its paw to flick between the pages. He soon found the requested verse. "Impressive," said the pastor. "We'll take him."

The couple threw a party to welcome the dog to the home, inviting many of the congregation. Much of the time was spent watching the dog find various requested pieces of scripture. Eventually, one of the congregation asked the pastor: "Can it do normal dog tricks too?"

"Why, I don't know!" the pastor replied. "Let's try."

"Heel!"

The dog immediately bounced up to an elderly lady in a wheelchair, raised itself up onto two legs, and place a paw on her.

"Oh no!" cried the pastor.

"It's not a Baptist dog; it's Pentecostal!"

[doesitmatter]

smali et al..

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?"

The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."

So he examines him and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is.."

The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doctor says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords.”

The guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"


The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."

The guy says, "Dddeal.....Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on"

The doctor says, "P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a dddeal.

[smalishah84]

Originally Posted by doesitmatter

smali et al..

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?"

The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."

So he examines him and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is.."

The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doctor says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords.”

The guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"

The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."

The guy says, "Dddeal.....Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on"

The doctor says, "P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a dddeal.

dude, your jokes are pretty good

[doesitmatter]

one more..

A young and foolish hot-shot pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation radio frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching an airfield during the nighttime.

Instead of making an official landing requests to the tower, he said: ...."Guess who?"

The tower controller switched the field lights off and replied: ....."Guess where!"

[doesitmatter]

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

[smalishah84]

[wellAlbidarned]

Do you make these up yourself? Manee could have competition if so

[Manee]

Originally Posted by wellAlbidarned

Do you make these up yourself? Manee could have competition if so

Haha, on that note, just did a gig last night for the university, went pretty well.

[doesitmatter]

Originally Posted by wellAlbidarned

Do you make these up yourself? Manee could have competition if so

I wish..btw here is one more...........

Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for Social Security last
week. After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter.

The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I
looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left
my wallet on the night stand in my bedroom. I told the lady that I was
very sorry, but I see med to have left my wallet at home. "I'll have to
go get it and come back later," I said. At that point, she said to me,
"Unbutton your shirt." I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots
of curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and, with that, she promptly processed my application.

When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at
the Social Security Office.! She listened to the whole story and then
said, "You should have dropped your pants . . you might have gotten
disability, too."

[Agent Nationaux]

[smalishah84]

Originally Posted by doesitmatter

I wish..btw here is one more...........

Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for Social Security last
week. After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter.

The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I
looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left
my wallet on the night stand in my bedroom. I told the lady that I was
very sorry, but I see med to have left my wallet at home. "I'll have to
go get it and come back later," I said. At that point, she said to me,
"Unbutton your shirt." I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots
of curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and, with that, she promptly processed my application.

When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at
the Social Security Office.! She listened to the whole story and then
said, "You should have dropped your pants . . you might have gotten
disability, too."

[LongHopCassidy]

Judge to defendant: 'Sir, why do you keep beating your wife and children?'

Defendant: 'If you ask me, your Honour, I'd say it's my superior reach, footwork and technique.'

[BoyBrumby]

I had a drink with my brother the other day and we had a laugh about how competitive we were as kids.

But I laughed more.

[duffer]

Heh.