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Thread: The Lame Joke Corner

  1. #1501
    Englishman BoyBrumby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by _Ed_ View Post
    How many Freuds does it take to change a lightbulb?


    Penis.


    I really chuckled more at that than I should've done.
    Cricket Web's 2013/14 Premier League Tipping Champion

    - As featured in The Independent.

    "I don't believe a word of Pietersen's book, but then I don't believe a word anyone else has said either."
    - Simon Barnes renders further comment on KP's autobiography superfluous in a sentence

  2. #1502
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend smalishah84's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wellAlbidarned View Post
    Heisenberg is speeding down a motorway when he's pulled over by a cop.

    The cop says: "Do you know how fast you were going there mate?"

    Heisenberg responds: "No, but I know where I am."
    And smalishah's avatar is the most classy one by far Jan certainly echoes the sentiments of CW

    Yeah we don't crap in the first world; most of us would actually have no idea what that was emanating from Ajmal's backside. Why isn't it roses and rainbows like what happens here? PEWS's retort to Ganeshran on Daemon's picture depicting Ajmal's excreta

  3. #1503
    cpr
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    Quote Originally Posted by _Ed_ View Post
    How many Freuds does it take to change a lightbulb?


    Penis.

    Best joke for a while, nabbing that one
    "All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher." - Ambrose Bierce
    Langeveldt: I of course blame their parents.. and unchecked immigration!
    GingerFurball: He's Austrian, they tend to produce the odd ****ed up individual
    Burgey: Be careful dealing with neighbours whose cars don't have wheels but whose houses do.
    Uppercut: Maybe I just need better strippers

  4. #1504
    International Captain LongHopCassidy's Avatar
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    What was Beethoven's favourite fruit?

    BA-NA-NA-NA!
    "The Australian cricket captain is the Prime Minister Australia wishes it had. Steve Waugh is that man, Michael Clarke is not." - Jarrod Kimber

    RIP Fardin Qayyumi and Craig Walsh - true icons of CricketWeb.


  5. #1505
    International Coach uvelocity's Avatar
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    what did pink panther say when he trod on an ant farm?

    dead ant, dead ant, deadantdeadantdeadantdeadant
    Quote Originally Posted by sledger View Post
    I just love all kinds of balls.

  6. #1506
    International Coach Agent Nationaux's Avatar
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    Haha UV, that's a great one.


    There are many tales of W.G. Grace, an Intellectual personality not averse to bending the rules to suit his own ends.

    On one occasion, he was guest player against a village team. Their fast bowler charged up and with his first ball uprooted Grace's middle stump. Grace ixed a piercing eye on him.

    'A very good trial ball,' he said. 'And now let us begin.'


    A man was trying out for a local team. The coach asked him, are you any good?

    The man replied, I should bloody well think so, since I once played alongside Don Bradman.

    Really?

    Yes, he told me who he was after the game. He said if you are a batsman then I am Don Bradman.

  7. #1507
    International Coach Agent Nationaux's Avatar
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    The umpires were getting their annual umpiring quiz from the ICC official. He first approached Aleem Dar and asked him to recite the different ways a player could get out. Dar easily managed to answer the question. Similarly Simon Taufel also passed his quiz easily. When it was Ashoka de Silva's turn, the ICC official said,

    Ashoka, do you have a minute?

    Yes replied the umpire.

    Tell me everything you know about cricket?

  8. #1508
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend smalishah84's Avatar
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    Agent, these jokes belonged in cricket chat, not here

  9. #1509
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend smalishah84's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by uvelocity View Post
    what did pink panther say when he trod on an ant farm?

    dead ant, dead ant, deadantdeadantdeadantdeadant

  10. #1510
    Englishman BoyBrumby's Avatar
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    Two interesting facts about me:

    1) My cock is the same length as two Argos pens

    2) I'm banned from Argos

  11. #1511
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend smalishah84's Avatar
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    Brumby, you forgot the 3rd fact, your penis is as thick as 2 pencils

  12. #1512
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    “In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!”

    Woody Allen

  13. #1513
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend smalishah84's Avatar
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  14. #1514
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    The Norwegian Wrestler

    A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

    As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

    When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

    Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

    So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

    "Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

  15. #1515
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    A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed
    limit, so he asks the biker his name.

    'Fred,' he replies.

    'Fred what?' the officer asks.

    'Just Fred,' the man responds.

    The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker
    a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

    The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him
    that he used to have a last name but lost it.

    The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays
    along with it.

    'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

    The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born
    Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease
    me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good
    grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a
    doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship,
    residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

    After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to
    school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got
    my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

    Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my
    assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

    Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then
    I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the
    ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD
    leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my
    Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'

    The officer walked away in tears, laughing.



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