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Thread: Off Topic: Legends Explained

  1. #1
    Global Moderator vic_orthdox's Avatar
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    Off Topic: Legends Explained

    Over the next few weeks, I’ll be taking you through a series here in Off Topic where I’ll explain a number of myths, theories, stories and legends of CricketWeb. Some may find these slightly disturbing, and therefore I warn you about this in advance. However, it will be an important reference point – and will probably have to be included in the forum FAQ after it’s done for all new members to refer to before engaging in conversation with the wrong people.

    To prevent serious damage from occurring if you do cross the wrong people, CricketWeb forums are now offering a discount rate to all new forum members on the official CW Thumb Guard, as modeled below.



    *CW takes no responsibility for the effectiveness of the displayed thumb guard.

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    Sean Fuller

    A number of people have expressed confusion about exactly who is Sean Fuller, thus he’ll be the first in this series set to expose what is known only by a select number of moderators, Rhett Biglands, superkingdave and the UN.

    Sean Fuller is the CW member "FaaipDeOiad". During the day he is renowned Moby-hater and anti-Rove campaigner, during the night he's pretty much exactly the same. Except he might have two knives on him instead of one. He has a penchant for thumbs, and is thought to be the inventor of thumb tacks - however, when he submitted his patent, he visualized them being severed thumbs with a pin sticking out of them. This was knocked back by Occupational Health and Safety, whom said that the pins were too long and sharp.

    Fuller’s upbringing is his own private business. However, just as I did with Jonestown, I’ll ignore the wishes of the subject of my writings, and tell whatever the hell I want. Fuller lived with two bears in a cave for the first three years of his life. They taught him to distrust anything that seemed gentle, and taught Fuller how to sacrifice squirrels and Winnie the Pooh dolls to pagan Gods. Eventually, Fuller outgrew the bears, and was hungry. Hence, no bears. All that was left over was their thumbs, which he later used as eating utensils. This was the start of a long obsession with the severing of thumbs, one that will be delved into later on tonight.

    Fuller then trekked across the Blue Mountains – a large mountain range west of Sydney – until he turned to the many disciples he had garnered throughout his 2 hour travels and told them to leave. He stumbled across Bankstown and introduced himself to Paul Keating. Keating saw the 3 year old man’s potential, and coaxed Fuller into a dark room near Australian Labor Party headquarters. There Keating escaped through a trap door, and Fuller was kept captive by numerous militant Unionist cronies. As Fuller lashed out, abusing all within ear shot, Keating employed an underling to sit outside and write down all the insults that came from the dark room which engulfed Fuller, and proceeded to use many of them in Parliament, much to the amusement of Australia.

    Keating took his eye off the ball, as he was shooting for the Prime Ministership of Australia, and Fuller recruited the Union cronies to help him break out, and ventured off to create more havoc. He was taken to a safe-haven in Redfern – a western suburb of Sydney - where he has since resided.

    Fuller has developed x-ray vision, after watching Superman IV and deciding he wanted it. He rang the director Sydney J. Furie and demanded that he have access to this technology. When told it was fake, Fuller said nothing and hung up. Furie has been wheelchair bound since.

    There have been reputed sightings of Sean Fuller in Adelaide; however these were just one of the disciples whom he cast off who has never reconciled with himself that he just wasn’t scary enough to engage in conversation with Fuller. However, Fuller does support Adelaide Football Club, and it is due to him that they won two grand finals. Fuller injured Peter Everitt’s shoulder before the 1997 Grand Final, and it was the draft from Fuller’s inhalation of Winnie Blues that created the windy conditions that cause the Kangaroos to be so inaccurate against Adelaide in 1998. Also contributing to this is the fact that Fuller gave birth to coach Malcolm Blight.

    Fuller finally came across CricketWeb in 2004. He took time out from starting riots in Redfern, and being the localized version of Judge Dredd (except with better lines), to espouse his never ending knowledge on the subject of cricket, and being a left wing psyc… all round legend. It was only upon the arrival of one Zac Gelman that us online acquaintances of Fuller began to see his real personality. Gelman’s inability to mentally stimulate Fuller has seen his patience grow ever thinner, to the point where Anti-Fuller protesters call themselves “Gelmanites”. Fuller has since taken his anger out on Gelmanites with his trusty Stanley knife, and has a large cardboard box in his house filled mainly with thumbs of Gelmanites. No-one knows where the bodies are.


    A Stanley knife yesterday.

    As a gesture to attempt to halt the damage, Gelman offered his own thumbs as a sacrifice. While Fuller, remembering his own time with the bears, discovered a new found respect for Gelman, he found that Gelman’s thumbs were too inadequate for be-thumbing, thus Gelman keeps his thumbs while Fuller continues to terrorize the streets of Redfern, torching police cars and using his x-ray vision to create home-made pornography for internet sale, which provides his income along with government pay-outs he gets, mainly because those at the local Centrelink (which is where you get handouts from the government in Australia) are too scared to argue with him.

    That, my friends, is the story of one Sean Fuller.
    Last edited by vic_orthdox; 22-04-2007 at 09:17 AM. Reason: Linking
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    Buddhy Blackman

    Alex Buddhy Blackman is the forum member “Buddhmaster”. He is renowned for his outspoken nature, penchant for violence, and is the only man ever to successfully occupy the hole in defence in front of Tony Lockett.

    No-one knows the birth date of Buddhy, nor how old he is. This has allowed him to terrorize the U/19 division of Western Australian Football League for 8 years straight, despite numerous protests from rival clubs. What is known though is that Buddhy uppercutted himself out of the womb, leaving his mother with severe bruising on the inside of her stomach. She was never able to eat again. He is also the only recorded baby ever to have come out with thick designer stubble. His first words were “tinnie”, and began borrowing his old man’s shaving kit at 3 months, and used a shotgun to hit his first roo to celebrate his 1st birthday. He tells me it was delicious.

    He was christened Alex, however anyone caught using this name within earshot of Buddhy usually finds him/herself on the receiving end of a flying inanimate carbon rod. During the ceremony, Buddhy decided the priest was taking too long, poured the water over himself, and uttered the immortal words… “**** off, poof”.

    Buddhy divorced his parents when two years old, and they agreed to sign the documentation; mostly out of fear, also they were still hurting after each received two Blackman shirtfronts while preparing dinner that night. They put it down to the troubles of puberty, and that they’d see their boy again. Of course, everyone else knew that Buddhy was three months out of puberty, and a man in his prime – a prime that ceases to exist.

    Since then Buddhy has stalked Northbridge, a suburb of Perth. Despite repeated warnings from their parents, youths continue to venture out into Blackman territory, mainly in large groups however as a form of protection. As opposed to hunting in packs, Buddh hunts for packs, and has been involved in a number of what can only be described as massacres, which the press put down to gang violence through the sheer number of people whom are hurt at a time.

    On one particular night, the cops were called in. Well, not just the cops – 3 SWAT teams, and two military tanks for good measure. They took him down eventually, where he was given a good behaviour bond and let go. In an effort to cultivate a more peaceful personality, Buddhy came across CricketWeb, and presented himself as a delightful, pleasant young man.

    However, years went past, and the influence of nibbs worse off as his behaviour became more erratic and violent. This coincided with him achieving the goal of having intercourse with every female posted in the “Hottest Women” thread, including Roseanne Barr whom someone posted as a gag. Most experts have put this change down to boredom, however as Christopher Walken said in Wedding Crashers, “Nature vs nurture – nature always wins”.

    Buddhy has since been his rogue self, calling people and things as he sees it. This has seen him get in a lot of strife, and his reputation has gotten to the point where people are suggesting a showdown between him and Fuller. University of the Yale Physics Lecturer Michael Rogers is on the record saying that if Fuller and Buddhy were to be seen in the same suburb, chances are that the world’s tilt – currently at 23 degrees – would be catastrophically altered. However, some climate change experts believe that by having the two meet, it could alter the process of global warming by having Antarctica around the equator, while Australia ends up in the Arctic region, solving that whole “drought” problem. There have been many efforts to have the two meet, but injuries have so far prevented it.

    Not many know that Rocky IV is actually based on the time Buddhy went to the USSR during the Cold War, except there was no official fight. He just dared Ivan Drago to hit him, after which Buddhy beat him to a pulp and rogered his missus. This still lives on as Buddhy’s greatest achievement in life, despite the fact that he is the only man to urinate on the ground at quarter time of an AFL game in 17 consecutive games without being caught on TV cameras.

    That, my friends, is the story of one Buddhy Blackman.
    Last edited by vic_orthdox; 10-04-2007 at 11:06 PM. Reason: Title Included

  4. #4
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    The Exile Of Darren Murphy

    The following story is a great classic Western. Darren Murphy was known in the local area as “benchmark00”, and for a short while, Jesus. Murphy was a ringleader, who was brought down by a mix of his willingness to shoot from the hip, a disdain for authority, as well as being stupid enough to abuse nearly every person in a position of power during his tenure as city scoundrel.

    Murphy was born into the life of hustling, somewhat attributable to the fact that his father was a world famous zookeeper, and his mother a crack whore. He’d play snooker, have a drink, and play some more snooker. After having a go in the pros, he realized there was more money to be made in local competitions from suckers. He got himself a nice little crew, who’d scour the towns looking for the next snooker tournament. They’d shack up, find themselves a few local gals, and hit the town. Before you knew it, they were in The Hangover Corner, and onto their next town. Murphy was a strapping young man, the only gentlemen ever to make Camps feel insecure about his jawline. For you younger readers, think of a Johnny Knoxville type, but with an awesome cowboy hat, a handkerchief over his face, two pistols and a pink bicycle with a basket on the front.

    They found the tiniest of towns, out the Back of Burke, called “Testing”, where not much went on. It was a quiet town – a few farmers, pub, milk bar and a cushion cake manufacturer. But this pub got quite a reputation, as thegang showed off their snooker wares against each other, and snooker players would come from far and wide to test their skills against these young men. After a few months, they owned a couple of houses, a car and three daughters of a South East Asian mining magnate.

    Murphy saw a business opportunity, and started to upon up some accommodation. Now he was taking money off these people to stay for a while, and then taking money off them every time they took him on snooker. Business was good. Really good.

    Eventually word got out to the shire council of this little illegal trade happening, and the mayor hired some extra “help” to keep things in check. At first, the mayor didn’t mind it – he was getting more people into the area, more money for local businesses. However, things started to get out of hand.

    The gang garnered a few more unruly members, and Murphy got happier with himself, as there were little outbreaks of violence around the place, as people were growing frustrated at exactly how good these boys were at snooker. More asterisks were appearing everywhere, and eventually the town was gaining a reputation throughout the shire. Suddenly there was a green light district in town – because the rest of the town was a red light district, and it was cheaper just to light up the part that wasn’t full of hookers – while fights were a nightly occurrence.

    “Enough” cried the mayor. He contacted the neighbouring shire and asked for their most ruthless law enforcement machine they could find. The mayor liked what he saw – he had a new sheriff.

    Within a week, numerous members of Murphy’s gang had found themselves in the lock-up. Despite utilizing the legal services of Sean Fuller (i.e. threatening to sever thumbs), whom owed Murphy money after a night out on the town with some, ahem, good time girls in Testing – they all got sentences and a blotch on their criminal record. Murphy stood up to the new cop in town, and told him to, and I quote, “**** off.” Before Murphy knew what was going on, he was in custody for seven days. The new sheriff knew that he had gotten the big fish, and he liked the taste.

    At the end of his sentence, Murphy halted as he walked past the sheriff. “You interested in a game of snooker?” he asked. Names were exchanged, times were arranged. They were to play that night.

    The whole town was buzzing with excitement. They came from far and wide to see this battle. Murphy loved the big stage, embraced it. He was a larger than life character. But no-one knew how good a snooker player the sheriff was.

    So, in front of the big crowd, Murphy took centre stage. He stood up on the bar, and called out some names. They came out to the front, and he described each one of them. It started off friendly enough, as he called out his gang, and some business partners. Then out would come someone whom he didn’t get on with. He’d call them this, he’d call them that, and then get stuck into the next person. Things got a little testy when Murphy lined up some of the sheriff’s mates out the front, and called them, amongst other things, “dire”.

    Naturally there was a fight. Things were going well early for Murphy, and it looked as though he was set to reclaim the town from the sheriff. The sheriff watched on, and called the mayor. No-one knows exactly what was talked about, all we know about is the result.

    Murphy watched on as his gang fought for him, smoking his pipe and chatting about the relative merits of washing his horse and cart with wax or with Dove Moisturizer. Until a large shadow engulfed him from behind. Murphy turned around and asked, “What do you want?”

    “I’m Rhett Biglands”.

    No-one ever heard from or saw Darren Murphy again.

    That, my friends, is the story of one Darren Murphy, RIP.
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  5. #5
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    dav

    “dav” is the forum member superkingdave, whose technical, supposedly 'real' name is Dave Richards. He’s the poster boy for everything humorous, and legendary. He is the first man to be inducted into the NBA Hall of Fame before having played a game of basketball, his photo appears in the dictionary next to the word “undire”, and is generally seen as the English equivalent of Graham Kennedy – except he’s yet to host Blankety Blanks.

    dav was born in Lancashire. He went to the local academy where he was taught three things:
    • How to hate Yorkshire.
    • How to drink.
    • How to be a legend.

    After receiving the best possible marks for the first and third criteria, and perfect scores in all aspects of the second criterion except for goon sculling, dav graduated with a PhD in Legendness. He received numerous offers from a number of firms for employment, where his role was to stand around in the office, talk to be people, and just be himself, for roughly $US100,000 per year.

    Instead, dav became disillusioned with how much worse everyone else was than him, and after reading about some “Jesus” fellow, left civilization for 40 days to ponder his future path, and ready himself for his next stage of life.

    After leaving Derby, he came back rejuvenated. It was at this point that dav declared a one man war on Yorkshire. Two weeks later, he rocked up to the Houses of Parliament and slid into someone’s seat. Dunno whose seat, but just some schmo’s. He brought forward a bill that demanded that Yorkshire be sold to France, which was secretly approved. No-one knew who dav was, but they were so convinced by him that even the representatives from Yorkshire endorsed the proposal, which saw David Byas forced to wear a beret and a stupid fake thin moustache whenever in public for the next 16 years.

    Since then, dav has (and we probably should keep this on the down-low, stop word from getting out) organized a crew whom are currently digging a moat to separate France from England, and eventually will organize a tugboat to pull it as far away as possible from the rest of England – probably somewhere near Vladivostok, or wherever that Tim Tam genie sends that stupid dick of a bloke in that ad.

    As was of course to eventually happen, dav realized that a man of his importance could not be solely a Lancastrian, but he also had to be a citizen “of the world”. Hence, he has embarked on a series of travels, taking his every trusty sidekick with him; also known by the term “liver”.

    Currently, dav is still undertaking his travels, and co-ordinates them with the Dalai Lama to ensure that neither are in the same country at the same time, because it has been deemed by the UN as too great a terrorist threat to have them both in such close vicinity, as they’d seek to destroy the two greatest tools that Earth has at its disposal for world peace.

    He has also been employed by various wine companies to promote the wonders of goon bags to underage drinkers all over the world, and has plans to carry with him a years stock worth of red wine on his humanitarian efforts in sub-Saharan Africa, where he’ll teach the kids the wonders of goon bag races.


    Sunnyvale Wine

    "We shall drink on beaches, landing grounds, in fields, in streets and on the hills. But mostly on beaches. We shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, we were not to finish the goon, then there's always something to wash down breakfast." - dav

    That, my friends, is the story of dav.
    Last edited by vic_orthdox; 29-04-2007 at 11:02 AM.

  6. #6
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    Fullins

    A man of few words, Fullins – not to be confused with Fuller, but more about that later – is sometimes referred to as “Adamc”.

    He was born “Adam Collins”, and throughout his early childhood everything looked as though he was set for a life of happiness and prosperity. He was intelligent, not necessarily dashing but always well kept with regards to his looks, and was the finest lacrosse player in all the district. Everyone enjoyed it when Collins flashed his stick around the park…*ahem*

    He received a lacrosse scholarship to Australian National University in Canberra, where they have a well renowned lacrosse program, with an intensive daily fitness program, video technique analysis and access to the best coaches this side of that dude out of American Pie who plays lacrosse. As well as this, Adam Collins was studying law, and ready to make a name for himself inside magistrates courts throughout the land, screaming “Objection!” at any opportunity, including at any cafeteria which included pineapple in the “Burger with the Lot”.

    However, in an extremely unfortunate incident, Adam Collins’ life was changed forever. He decided to partake in a student union protest against the use of cow’s hooves in the production of stainless steel knives for the dining room at the university. Afterwards, the protesters decided to celebrate the success of their protest by eating a cake that was prepared earlier. Unbeknownst to all, was that this cake was no ordinary cake. They were in fact all indulging upon a cushion cake.

    As we all know, the side effects of eating a cushion cake can be quite disastrous, and once more they proved so after Adam Collins devoured his portion. Suddenly he was hallucinating, and he was never the same again.

    Time went on, and his behaviour became more erratic by the day. His friends were very concerned about him. He began to ignore lacrosse, and religiously supported the Adelaide Crows, as well as finding the sight of Simon Goodwin kicking the ball inside 50 somewhat arousing. He walked around university quoting the latest policy decisions made by the Australian Labor Party’s caucus, and was able to list every national member of the Socialists’ Alliance.

    After three months of intensive research conducted by the ANU’s medical team, they realized what had happened. Adam Collins had been infected with the first Australian case of Fulleritis, where Fuller nominates someone to help him destroy Gelmanites. It was through Collins’ incidental contact with Fuller over the CricketWeb forums that allowed him to pass on the virus through the cushion cake.


    A cushion cake, yesterday.

    The deterioration has continued on since then, as this debilitating and potentially fatal disease took hold. Well, fatal sort of like how a runny nose can be fatal. You’ve got a runny nose, and you’ll die eventually; but there’s no real correlation between the two. For a long time, Adam Collins tried to fight it off, repel mentally against it. However, it was too much, and he has since allowed it to take over his whole identity, in the knowledge that by doing this, he will have the support of Fuller from all time, and be safe from being be-thumbed. He has since changed his name to Seam Fullins, a combination of where he came from and what he is to become.

    Fullins lives safe in the knowledge that he will never contract Fuller’s penchant for thumbs. This is the one defining characteristic that will always separate Fuller from anyone with Fulleritis. However, it is reputed that Fullins, when in a foul mood, still enjoys eating raw meat, using carrots as pencils and playing “Scissors, Paper, Rock” with Rhett Biglands. Whomever wins gets to determine whom in Redfern should be be-thumbed by Fuller next.

    That, my friends, is the story of one Seam Fullins.
    Last edited by vic_orthdox; 05-06-2007 at 09:38 AM.

  7. #7
    Global Moderator vic_orthdox's Avatar
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    Voltman

    Voltman is one whom always looked upon the bright side of life. Well, if for you the “bright side” translates to the gutter. He had an amazing ability to see the wrong in every right, the undies under every skirt, and it is for this that he will be forever remembered around CW circles.

    At the first big function around town he attended, he managed to sleep with the mayor’s mother. He then met the mayor’s mother’s mother, and put her away too. This culminated with a mother-daughter ménage a trois where Voltman accounted for roughly 3% of the combined age of all three combatants, give or take a couple of months.

    From then on, he waltzed around town handing out pick-up lines like business cards. Girls swooned as he told them to call an ambulance, or whether they were tired, or whether their father was a burglar; yet once he took off his mascot suit, the women were somewhat disappointed. Voltman’s lifestyle had taken a toll on his body – excessive intake of alcohol, too much time spent in TABs attempting to score box trifectas on races he knew nothing about, and too much time trying to make a real career as a journalist for him to live the Casanova life that was at his fingers.

    The demise of Voltman began when the local area brought in a new principal for the all-girl high school, a Ms. Piper. Ms. Piper was the anti-thesis to everything that Voltman stood for, and all the products of the school from then on were completely numbed of the effects of Voltman’s wooing, as everything he said went straight over their head. This sent Voltman into a state of madness, and this was further compounded by people trying to call him by his christened name. This all combined together to completely do his head in, to the point where his suit self combusted, and Matt was left with only himself – Voltman was dead. He ran out of town, never to return again (and just to make sure, he forgot the way to get back).

    That, my friends, is the story of one Voltman.
    Last edited by James; 23-10-2011 at 02:10 AM.

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    Gerard Armstrong

    A story of Jekyll and Hyde, black and white, Ben Cousins and Bachar Houli. Gerard Armstrong is somewhat of a renaissance man, whom came to CricketWeb and tipped the applecart, before undergoing a reformation that sees him now as CricketWeb's version of Snake from the Simpsons; he makes us laugh, doesn't follow the law, but we never see Snake in jail, do we?

    Gerard was a remarkably independent child, whom utilised the bus service from the age of three and got his P's at the age of 10. No one's exactly sure how this occurred, but due to his maturity, Gerard managed to endure more culture than a French ambassador on taxpayer funded world tours. This led to him documenting his theorems on how to live life from an extremely young age.

    Hailing from deep confines of Western Australia, Armstrong was naturally opposed to authority. When asked to fingerpaint in Kindergarten, he untied his shoe and painted with his toes. Having completed his works, his Kinder teacher was shocked to see what young Gerard had painted.



    She toured the nation during school holidays, taking a number of his works around the country and selling for a profit. Gerard's parents had no idea about this, he just left the house one Sunday morning saying that he was heading along to Auskick. In the end, Gerard met up with Pro Hart, and they muddied many a carpet together.

    Pro took his protege (see what I did there ) on a tour of Asia, where Armstrong fell in love with the place. Gerard got in touch with his inner east, renaming himself Gaijin-san. Having returned back to Perth, he found himself feeling somewhat hollow, much like dav would without his legendness, and the Gaijin became angry. He started his first day of school, and did so launching an array of bullets everywhere, 1250 in fact. He received numerous suspensions; highlights of those included returning back to school following a suspension on the back of a ute, with a microphone and an amplifier rapping along to "Without Me" by Eminem whilst throwing bottles of his much despised Southern Comfort at watching teachers. His continual baiting of his fellow classmates, constant swearing, and encounters with the likes of an elderly man from Derby, and a Moe look-alike from Warwickshire, and generally anyone from England, saw him in further strife.

    Eventually, Armstrong was expelled from his primary school, and during this time he toured the world on the back of another toepainting project. This time, he painted himself toepainting. And in that picture, he was toepainting himself toepainting. This was some wacked out ****, and made him more dough than a chain of Bakers' Delight stores ever could.

    Armstrong played trains for the next two years. He is the first person in the known world to have actually clocked playing trains. He then celebrated his 9th birthday. He looked around and saw all these luminaries from the art world; Ken Done, Pro Hart, Rembrandt, Mona Lisa, and realised that maybe he should get some friends that, a) weren't ****s, and b) were his own age. So he sold one of his paintings for some money, and bribed his way back into school.

    He rebranded himself, and began to espouse all that he'd learnt about life on his travels during Recess. This eventually became a formal class, as he presented his Guide to Life, which was made mandatory by the Principal. This guide was exported to all schools within WA, which saw sales of Southern Comfort plummeting, especially in the crucial 9-14 year old market. Well known for his love of Michael Clarke, his tolerance of Linda Philipps, and man-crush on Ben Cousins, he continued to be a popular student.

    He was the first person in primary school to go on an exchange program, with a 17 year old Japanese student somewhat shattered when he came to WA to find that his fellow classmates were 8 years younger than him. He returned, having found himself a woman and deciding to settle down.

    These days, Armstrong lives the good life. He has established his own bookmaking agency, which he runs from home. Since finishing grade 5, he has deliberately sabotaged his own tests every time onwards, as he remains in primary school rather than bothering with the trials and tribulations of secondary school. He heard that periods involved blood, and grew an intense dislike to the idea. Maybe he just should have gone onwards, and just not done science. Oh well.

    That, my friends, is the story of one Mr. Casson.



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