Reckon ripper should become an Agony Aunt TBH, always has top advice.
I "broke-up" with my fiancee over skype video on Sunday.
Pretty messed-up right now. I have never posted on this thread but hopefully you can hear me out:
I work at a high school in Japan. The first year I came here, I helped an art student out with her English. She graduated soon afterwards and I knew I wanted to see her afterwards. Wasn't madly in love or anything like that, just knew I wanted to see her.
One month after graduation, she met me at a station, and after coffee some place, we decided to go back to my house to study. Seems funny looking back. We got together that night and basically started a relationship where we would go places, hang out at my house, help her passed her English test, all sorts of fun things.
I was getting very serious about this. Noone in my life made me feel so good. So I proposed to her on a beach. At that stage she was one week away from her 19th birthday and was about to leave for England for a one-year foundation course in art.
I guessed I proposed to her because I wanted to confirm the relationship and because I thought if we were engaged there was less chance we would break up over long-distance.
So, she went to England and I visited her for a great time over Christmas/New Year. She was so sad to see me go.
After returning to Japan the weeks went by, and we kept talking on Skype and the phone.
By March I got the feeling (looking back) that we didn't seem to be connecting as well. She was very busy anyway. And seemed to be becoming more and more independent and growing up and getting more confident she could do things by herself.
So it came to Sunday night and another regular skype call. For months she had been planning a trip to Europe before coming back to Japan. I wanted to join her in Europe and we could go around together. Thought it would be fun. But she kept hinting she wanted to do this thing by herself to give her some privacy and time to think.
I should have taken that hint and just left her be. Anyway, I brought up that topic on Sunday, and we talked about love and she said she likes me but didn't know what love was. I pushed her on that, and she finally burst into tears and said "I don't need you anymore."
I asked her how long she had been thinking of that, and she said since about March. Which is about the time I thought we weren't connecting as well.
So, I begged her to think about it, and try to meet me in Japan when she comes back and "give us a chance face to face."
She said yes and I can call her anytime. Not sure how long before I call her again though.
So, my whole world has turned upside down. I'm emotionally ****ed-up, basically. Yesterday, at school, I went home at lunchtime, because I felt I was going to breakdown in the damn office. Keep in mind that the school of course she went to as a student so it reminds me of her and isn't exactly a sanctuary where i can bury myself in work.
I don't know any of you guys, perhaps that's a good thing, you can look at this objectively for me and give me some tips about what to do.
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Good Lord, worst situation. Both of you need to let it go, though. There'll be a ton of to'ing and fro'ing but that'll be the conclusion.
Distance often clarifies feelings for someone. Sounds like being away for you did that for her. Sucks for you but better now than after 10 years of marriage and with little DoG's running around.
You won't listen (because it sucks) but save yourself the pain and cut it off. Now. Or, at least, make the decision that you're not together any more. The indecision is what kills. You might decide to meet up later to talk about it, you'll be looking forward to seeing her then she'll pull out of the trip for some reason, etc. Need to make a clean break ASAP.
Last edited by Top_Cat; 25-05-2009 at 09:57 PM.
Right, without sounding like a **** mate, she was 18 when you proposed. The girl is going to grow up and want to experience the world, this is normal and no amount of wishing will change that. If the reason as you say that you proposed was to:then you proposed for the wrong reasons IMO.I thought if we were engaged there was less chance we would break up over long-distance
If you and her were both not connecting back in March, then it is doubtful little will change upon her return. She has grown up and become independent, as evidenced by her hints that she wants to do Europe by herself.
I wish you best of luck when you do see each other again face to face, but if that won't be for sometime then i think you should call it what it is. It seems that to her you are a passing fancy (student-teacher thing unless i've misread it), which she has moved on from. And the best thing imo for you would be to do the same. If you have had to BEG for her to see you when she comes back then it looks to me that she has moved on.
It may hurt a ****load right now mate, but it passes with time and you get back on the horse. Don't let your life go off the rails over a teenage girl who you hit it off with.
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Yeah mate it's tough. I broke up with a Swedish girl over the phone after we'd been together in Sweden and she was supposed to be coming out to Australia. Could see it coming though too through earlier conversations. I think the toughest thing is not being able to at least confront them face-to-face and have a chat about it. By the time they tell you they've decided long in advance and are ready to move on while you're not.
T_C's right though, the best thing to do is avoid contact for a while as all that'll do is rub salt into the wound when she's not the same as she used to be towards you. Having to work at her old school is tough, but if possible I'd try to keep myself engaged in other things to forget about it. If you're an English teacher the hardest part is having all that thinking time available to you due to the low number of hours you have in class.
Edit: Agree with Ripper too, and given what I've seen and heard the Japanese treat marriage a little like they do here - it's a hobby. So maybe she didn't take it as seriously as she should have. She was only 18 though.
Last edited by Son Of Coco; 25-05-2009 at 10:14 PM.
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This is all excellent advice.
It hurts like **** reading it but it's pretty close to the mark.
She said she likes me, cares for me, worries about me, and that I can call her anytime I want to.
At least she doesn't hate my guts, although maybe that would be better, because then I wouldn't be hanging onto this thread she has left me.
She comes back I predict in late August. Until that time, I will call her a couple of times to check up on her and make sure she is doing ok.
I asked for it, didn't I? Hooking up with an 18/19 year-old and expecting it to be for life.
I feel like falling in love again with the first woman I meet, or going to dating services and trying to befriend someone there. Trying to fill that hole...
"By the time they tell you they've decided long in advance and are ready to move on while you're not."
This is so true. She was so calm after the intial outburst, whilst I was begging and boiling my eyes out and basically being pathetic. She said, "Don't be depressed." Yeah, sure.
Bold Point 2: Not every girl is there to fall in love with, some are there to ****, others to be friends with, others to serve you drinks and the minority to date and an even smaller minority to love. Don't fill that hole with another bird, fill it with yourself.
Yeah mate, I wouldn't count on her being open to talking about things too much in the future either. You never know, but from my experience when girls say they're good at talking about their emotions they usually mean to everyone but you. They're usually happy to just say 'let's be friends' and then expect you to move on at the same pace they do - it's to make them feel good about themselves, not you. It's important to take some time out for yourself and try to get involved in things that you enjoy without her in your thoughts.
As Ripper said, fill the gap by doing things you want to do. I've never understood people who have to have someone in their lives...while I can see that in your 40's and 50's it might get to be a sad existence when people marry off, if you're happy and not desperate you'll meet someone nice well before then.
Last edited by Son Of Coco; 25-05-2009 at 11:45 PM.
Somewhat similar situation myself, except for the distance part. She keeps on telling me how she thinks I'm great, hopes we can be friends when I'm ready, but doesn't feel "that" way about me. Pretty much a 180 change of direction within a week, and she talks about how she "freaked out". Guess it took me a while, and a few text messages (some pointed, some less so), to understand that it was really out of my control now. Not happy about it, but her mind was pretty made up by the time she severed it. Seemed to all change within a week though, which was the hardest part to understand.
Troof.Originally Posted by Son Of Coco
As I said, sadly, you won't listen to that. But hey, I've got it on record that I said it. haha
See, the way the mind works in this situation is why it's so painful. You tie up so many thoughts/feelings/habits in your partner that when they're gone, imagine it as the cognitive equivalent of removing a million babies from their pacifiers. They cry out until you put it back. Look at it as grieving because, relationship-wise, she's dead to you now, that's the way your brain is trying to reconcile with what's happened. The problem exists because, unlike a dead person, she isn't. That makes acceptance much, much harder in some ways. The little bloke inside is saying "There's still a chance/I can convince her to give it another chance/she's just going through a rough time, she'll come around."
She won't. Neither should she if she doesn't want to, either. You have to remember it's not necessarily a knock against you, she's just moved in a different direction to you. Absolutaly nothing you can do about it.
Ya know what's really crappy about this situation though? If you manage to actually move on before she comes to see you, regain composure, etc. she'll probably want to hook up at her visit later. Do not go there.
Last edited by Top_Cat; 25-05-2009 at 10:39 PM.
Couldn't agree more. Just makes it harder, and keeps you being strung along. Need to have that time away from it all; I'll eventually have to come across my ex because we've got a heap of mutual friends, but not worrying about calling her and attempting to make her feel better about it makes it so much easier.Originally Posted by ripper868
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