Joke of the day

[Mister Wright]

Share you jokes in this thread...

[Mister Wright]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a
garden while a sexy,beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were
told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them
would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of
spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the
priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off,
clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up......

Then all the other bells started to ring

[NZTailender]

lol

[Cloete]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I also have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, er..um..the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to have an awesome lunch, and then went shopping at a big, huge, mammoth unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all.After that, she wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I told her to get a pair for each outfit. After that, we went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while..You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.

[NZTailender]

Hahahah, gold.

[33/3from3.3]

brilliant

[Burpey]

Three Martians went to a Masquerade Space Party on Jupiter (as you do). When they arrived at the party, one Martian was wearing false ears and eyebrows.
"What have you come as?" asked the host.
"Mr Spock," replied the Martian.
The second Martian was wearing black boots, black trousers, and a red jumper.
"And what have you come as?" asked the host.
"Scotty," relpied the second Martian.
The third Martian came dressed as a tree.
"And what have you come as?" asked the host.
"The Captain's Log," replied the Martian!

Taken from 101 Outer Space Jokes by Sonia Black and Devra Newberger. A literary classic.

[33/3from3.3]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his @$$.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the 5h1t out of him

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say, "He was stoned off his @$$."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Agent TBY]

Boo Andy!

[Cloete]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his @$$.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the 5h1t out of him

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say, "He was stoned off his @$$."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

You screwed up the last one.

It's a Taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's.

Still, a good one, even if it is about 10 years old

[33/3from3.3]

nah the joke i got told has always been patrick-pulling etc

[SirBloody Idiot]

I'm pretty sure it is St Peters.

[andyc]

Yeah, it makes a whole lot more sense

[James90]

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say, "He was stoned off his @$$."

Good stuff Paddy...

[33/3from3.3]

i'm surprised i even remembered them all
and consider the 'Peter one' edited