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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #31
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend Mister Wright's Avatar
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    There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.

    This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

    Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

    Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
    Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
    Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
    Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
    Operator: "Went away?"
    Caller: "They disappeared."
    Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
    Caller: "Nothing."
    Operator: "Nothing??"
    Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
    Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
    Caller: "How do I tell?"
    Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
    Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
    Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
    Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
    Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
    Caller: "What's a monitor?"
    Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
    Caller: "I don't know."
    Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
    Caller: "Yes, I think so."
    Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
    Caller: "Yes, it is."
    Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
    Caller: "No."
    Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
    Caller: "Okay, here it is."
    Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
    Caller: "I can't reach."
    Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
    Caller: "No."
    Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
    Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."
    Operator: "Dark??"
    Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
    Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
    Caller: "I can't."
    Operator: "No? Why not??"
    Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
    Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
    Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
    Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
    Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
    Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
    Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
    Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%#ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
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  2. #32
    cpr is offline
    International Coach cpr's Avatar
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    Dec 2004
    Not really a joke as such, but some of these made me laugh

    Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school
    diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form,
    called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the
    aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the
    form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never
    let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
    maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'pilots (marked with a P) and the
    solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way,
    Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're for.

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    And the best one for last..................

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
    on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget
    "All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher." - Ambrose Bierce
    Langeveldt: I of course blame their parents.. and unchecked immigration!
    GingerFurball: He's Austrian, they tend to produce the odd ****ed up individual
    Burgey: Be careful dealing with neighbours whose cars don't have wheels but whose houses do.
    Uppercut: Maybe I just need better strippers

  3. #33
    International 12th Man David's Avatar
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    Jul 2002
    Perth, Western Australia
    Quote Originally Posted by Mister Wright
    From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes
    a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

    Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local
    neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man
    leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man
    stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly
    observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five
    vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.He was
    there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
    drove off. Finally he started the car,switched the wipers on and off (it
    was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the
    horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
    cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more
    minutes as some more vehicles left.

    At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive
    slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all
    this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
    promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyser test. To his
    amazement the Breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having
    consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask
    you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyser equipment
    must be broken.

    "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

    True story...

    AFAIK every state in Australia has a true story for that.
    Signatures are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get.
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  4. #34
    Soutie Langeveldt's Avatar
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    haha brilliant, they told those on todays episode of countdown..
    Quote Originally Posted by vic_orthdox View Post
    Don't like using my iPod dock. Ruins battery life too much.
    Quote Originally Posted by benchmark00 View Post
    Thanks Dick Smith. Will remember to subscribe to your newsletter for more electronic fun facts.


  5. #35
    Cricket Web Staff Member luckyeddie's Avatar
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    Derby, England
    Quote Originally Posted by Mister Wright
    "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
    True story...
    Chick Magazine (Nottingham Students Rag Mag), circa 1971 or 1972 was where I first read the original joke.

    Glad to see it came in useful.
    Nigel Clough's Black and White Army, beating Forest away with 10 men

  6. #36
    State Vice-Captain nikhil1772's Avatar
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    Oct 2004
    The Things You would not like to hear.... during surgery !!

    - Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
    - Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called !
    - Oh no! I just lost my watch.
    - There go the lights again...
    - Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.
    - Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
    - Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
    - What's this doing here?
    - I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
    - Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
    -You sure it wasn't this leg?
    - OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
    - Are his relatives waiting outside?
    - Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
    - Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
    - What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!
    - FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
    - This scissor looks rusted.
    - Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
    Member Of AAAS

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  7. #37
    Cricket Web Content Updater alternative's Avatar
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    Jan 2006
    Sydney, Australia
    just found this funny..

    <Eticam> I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm
    <Eticam> And a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then
    <Eticam> When she realised what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey ***
    <Eticam> Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat
    <Eticam> The girl started crying and left class ^^

  8. #38
    Cricket Web Content Updater alternative's Avatar
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    Jan 2006
    Sydney, Australia
    and this..

    <benja> A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
    asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
    food shortage in the rest of the world?"
    <benja> The survey was a huge failure...
    <benja> In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
    <benja> In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
    <benja> In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
    <benja> In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
    <benja> In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
    <benja> In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
    <benja> And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

  9. #39
    State Vice-Captain nikhil1772's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Doing the Dishes (Rated X)

    A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always
    wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the
    newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes
    across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on
    it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint
    condition. He inquires about it with the owner.

    "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me
    how you keep it in such good shape.

    "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure
    that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub
    Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In
    fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of
    Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the
    buyer a tube of Vaseline.

    The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He
    takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic
    (being a Harley fan).

    That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his
    girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going
    to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When
    the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her
    boyfriend's arm.

    "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my
    parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
    In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do
    the dishes."

    "No problem," he says. And in they go.

    The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the
    living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family
    room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs,
    dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
    They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

    As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take
    advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his
    girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over
    and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still
    they keep quiet.

    So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and
    they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says
    a word.

    "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his
    girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the
    dinner table. Again, total silence.

    Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend
    realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take
    care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his

    Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all
    right! I'll do the damn dishes."

  10. #40
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend andyc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by flibbertyjibber View Post
    Only a bunch of convicts having been beaten 3-0 and gone 9 tests without a win and won just 1 in 11 against England could go into the home series saying they will win. England will win in Australia again this winter as they are a better side which they have shown this summer. 3-0 doesn't lie girls.

  11. #41
    International Vice-Captain 33/3from3.3's Avatar
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    Hell In A Cell
    Quote Originally Posted by andyc
    Best joke in the thread
    Maria - Due December

    Quote Originally Posted by NUFAN View Post
    "So this is what it feels like to be on top of a batsmen".
    RIP Fardin Qayummi - 15th April 2006

  12. #42
    Cricket Web Content Updater alternative's Avatar
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    thats just a classic

  13. #43
    Cricketer Of The Year Burpey's Avatar
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    Jan 2005
    It doesn't work if you read the punchline before you read the joke I just found out.

  14. #44
    Banned Shounak's Avatar
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    Oct 2004
    Melbourne, Australia
    Quote Originally Posted by burkey_1988
    It doesn't work if you read the punchline before you read the joke I just found out.
    I can't think of -1 solutions to that.. Try wrap your head around that one..

  15. #45
    State Vice-Captain nikhil1772's Avatar
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    Oct 2004
    A married man was having an affair with his
    secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and
    they took off for her house, where they made
    passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild
    ***, they fell asleep, awaking around eight p.m. As
    the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to
    take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass
    and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He
    slipped into his shoes and drove home.

    "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he
    entered the house.

    "Darling", replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've
    been having an affair with my secretary and we've been
    having *** all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't
    wake up until eight o'clock."

    The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You
    lying *******! You've been playing golf!"

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