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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #16
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend Mister Wright's Avatar
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    Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller
    machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their
    vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following
    procedures have been drawn up.

    MALE PROCEDURE

    * 1 Drive up to the cash machine.

    * 2 Put down your car window.

    * 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

    * 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

    * 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    * 6 Put window up.

    * 7 Drive off.


    FEMALE PROCEDURE

    * 1 Drive up to cash machine.

    * 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.

    * 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.

    * 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate
    card.

    * 5 Turn the radio down.

    * 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.

    * 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.

    * 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
    distance from the car.

    * 9 Insert card.

    * 10 Re-insert card the right side up

    * 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
    inside back page.

    * 12 Enter PIN.

    * 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

    * 14 Enter amount of cash required.

    * 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.

    * 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.

    * 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

    * 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.

    * 19 Re-check make-up again.

    * 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.

    * 21 Reverse back to cash machine.

    * 22 Retrieve card.

    * 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
    provided.

    * 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers
    queuing behind.

    * 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.

    * 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    * 27 Release Parking Brake.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Richard
    Hayden > Lehmann
    I'm a member of Club Kerry

    I'm Green

    The color of immortality, nature and envy - you are truly a unique person. While clearly the color of nature, you also symbolize rebirth, fertility and hope in the world. On the other side of the spectrum, a natural aptitude to money with green coming to signify money and possibly even *********!

  2. #17
    Hall of Fame Member luckyeddie's Avatar
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    Brilliant - * 27 is the winner for me.

    (just edit it down a few lines)

  3. #18
    International Vice-Captain 33/3from3.3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mister Wright
    Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller
    machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their
    vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following
    procedures have been drawn up.

    MALE PROCEDURE

    * 1 Drive up to the cash machine.

    * 2 Put down your car window.

    * 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

    * 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

    * 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    * 6 Put window up.

    * 7 Drive off.


    FEMALE PROCEDURE

    * 1 Drive up to cash machine.

    * 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.

    * 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.

    * 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate
    card.

    * 5 Turn the radio down.

    * 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.

    * 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.

    * 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
    distance from the car.

    * 9 Insert card.

    * 10 Re-insert card the right side up

    * 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
    inside back page.

    * 12 Enter PIN.

    * 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

    * 14 Enter amount of cash required.

    * 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.

    * 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.

    * 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

    * 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.

    * 19 Re-check make-up again.

    * 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.

    * 21 Reverse back to cash machine.

    * 22 Retrieve card.

    * 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
    provided.

    * 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers
    queuing behind.

    * 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.

    * 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    * 27 Release Parking Brake.
    genius
    Maria - Due December

    Quote Originally Posted by NUFAN View Post
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    RIP Fardin Qayummi - 15th April 2006

  4. #19
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend Mister Wright's Avatar
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    A Male Blonde Joke

    blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

    He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, His 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding In your closet and he's got no clothes on!

    The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, Past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough,There is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

    "You rotten *******," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!


  5. #20
    Hall of Fame Member luckyeddie's Avatar
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    I make no apologies for reviving my interest in sheep jokes.

    A shepherd was herding his flock when suddenly a brand new Range Rover roared out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a pony-tailed man sporting a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Boss tie leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

    The shepherd looked at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock before calmly answering "All right then."

    The yuppie parked his vehicle, whipped out his Powerbook, connected it to his cell-phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system. He scanned the area, opened up a database and executed any number of complex macros. Finally he turned to the shepherd saying: "You have exactly 1586 sheep!"

    "Yes indeed" says the shepherd. He watched the young man select one of the animals and put it in the back of his Range Rover. Suddenly the shepherd said: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"

    "Okay, why not" answered the young man.

    "You are a Management Consultant" said the shepherd.

    "That is correct" replied the young man, "How on Earth did you guess that?"

    "It was simple" answered the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You wanted to be paid for giving me an answer I already knew to a question I didn't even ask. And what is more, you don't know anything about my business because you took my dog."

  6. #21
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend Mister Wright's Avatar
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    I know two in one day is a bit much, but I couldn't pass this one up.

    Sorry if you don't appreciate the fook word! This is old but a
    classic. Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a
    pig.
    When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me
    ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"
    Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig,
    and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.
    This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed
    into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear
    off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How
    are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?" "Well Paddy," says
    Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two
    fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear".
    "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
    Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy
    again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has
    chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin
    pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin
    pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. ?I?ll tell ya what I'll
    do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs
    with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand"
    says Paddy.
    Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy
    stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR
    FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE
    GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN
    TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
    HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
    Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll
    have the white one"

  7. #22
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend andyc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by flibbertyjibber View Post
    Only a bunch of convicts having been beaten 3-0 and gone 9 tests without a win and won just 1 in 11 against England could go into the home series saying they will win. England will win in Australia again this winter as they are a better side which they have shown this summer. 3-0 doesn't lie girls.

  8. #23
    International Captain Deja moo's Avatar
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    Millhouse: you know when your dog ate my goldfish bart and you told me i never had a goldfish, then why did i have the bowl bart! why did i have the bowl!!!!
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  9. #24
    International Vice-Captain 33/3from3.3's Avatar
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    Hahahaha it has my name in it

  10. #25
    Hall of Fame Member luckyeddie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 33/3from3.3
    Hahahaha it has my name in it
    Me too.

    The missus called me 'Fookin Pig' last week.

  11. #26
    International Vice-Captain 33/3from3.3's Avatar
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    Zing!!!!

  12. #27
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend Mister Wright's Avatar
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    From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes
    a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

    Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local
    neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man
    leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man
    stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly
    observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five
    vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.He was
    there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
    drove off. Finally he started the car,switched the wipers on and off (it
    was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the
    horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
    cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more
    minutes as some more vehicles left.

    At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive
    slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all
    this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
    promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyser test. To his
    amazement the Breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having
    consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask
    you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyser equipment
    must be broken.

    "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".



    True story...

  13. #28
    Soutie Langeveldt's Avatar
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    Why is a tennis ball like an old granny?


    They both lose their hair if you hit them hard enough..
    Quote Originally Posted by vic_orthdox View Post
    Don't like using my iPod dock. Ruins battery life too much.
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    Thanks Dick Smith. Will remember to subscribe to your newsletter for more electronic fun facts.

    ****.

  14. #29
    First Class Debutant SquidAU's Avatar
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    I got a terrible one I read in a magazine once, along time ago:

    Why did the girl fall off the swing?

    Because she had no arms.


  15. #30
    International Regular Steulen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mister Wright

    FEMALE PROCEDURE

    * 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
    * 21 Reverse back to cash machine.
    That's far too much reverse driving for any safe female procedure
    President of RTDAS - Ryan ten Doeschate - The Freddie Flintoff of Associate Cricket
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