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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #271
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend Perm's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Richard View Post
    Romance can be dealt with elsewhere - I just don't enjoy it in cricket.

  2. #272
    International Coach biased indian's Avatar
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    Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. He's an elderly man and figures he's not getting any younger.So seeing some on sale one day,he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
    He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?'" Margaret looks him over, "Nope" she says.
    Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
    Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
    Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'" 'Nope', she replies.
    Bert Yells 'CAUSE IT'S LOOKIN' AT MY NEW BOOTS"
    To which Margaret replies... "Should have bought a hat, Bert, Should have bought a hat."
    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
    RIP Craigos

  3. #273
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend Mister Wright's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Clapo View Post
    A shop that sells new husbands had just opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a new husband.

    A woman goes to the shop to find a husband. The Signs on the floors read: Floor 1 - This men have jobs. Floor 2 - These men have jobs & love kids. Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Impressive," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, wow!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,0123 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
    Great stuff...
    Cricketweb Colts Captain



    Quote Originally Posted by Richard
    Hayden > Lehmann
    I'm a member of Club Kerry

    I'm Green

    The color of immortality, nature and envy - you are truly a unique person. While clearly the color of nature, you also symbolize rebirth, fertility and hope in the world. On the other side of the spectrum, a natural aptitude to money with green coming to signify money and possibly even *********!

  4. #274
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    A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
    and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

    CHEESEBURGER: $4.50

    CHICKEN SANDWICH : $5.50

    HAND JOB: $100.00

    Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to
    a meager looking group of farmers.

    'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'

    'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who
    gives the hand-jobs?'

    'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'

    The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.


  5. #275
    International Vice-Captain pinchy81's Avatar
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    haha Gun
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    Pinchy81- McPinch iz a gun4lyf.
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  6. #276
    International Captain cover drive man's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by biased indian View Post
    Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. He's an elderly man and figures he's not getting any younger.So seeing some on sale one day,he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
    He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?'" Margaret looks him over, "Nope" she says.
    Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
    Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
    Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'" 'Nope', she replies.
    Bert Yells 'CAUSE IT'S LOOKIN' AT MY NEW BOOTS"
    To which Margaret replies... "Should have bought a hat, Bert, Should have bought a hat."
    Quote Originally Posted by Furbag View Post
    A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
    and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

    CHEESEBURGER: $4.50

    CHICKEN SANDWICH : $5.50

    HAND JOB: $100.00

    Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to
    a meager looking group of farmers.

    'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'

    'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who
    gives the hand-jobs?'

    'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'

    The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.
    Quote Originally Posted by LongHopCassidy View Post
    Blatant double dip, but you'll get over it with counselling.......

    My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

    Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

    With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

    And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

    Everyone wants to change the world, noone wants to change himself.

    -Tolstoy

  7. #277
    Hall of Fame Member _Ed_'s Avatar
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    Bob decides it's time to build a new outhouse because the present one is so rotten that it might fall over at any moment. He has a little dynamite left over from blowing out tree stumps a few days earlier, so he wires it up under the old ****house and tells his family to stay away.

    Unfortunately, old Granny doesn't get the news. Feeling the need to make a donation to the sewer, she hurries out back and is sitting contentedly on the throne, gazing out through the quarter-moon hole, when Bob touches the wires to his battery and blows everything sky high.

    After Granny lands a few metres away in a puddle of ****, she sits up, gets her bearings, straightens her wig and exclaims, "whew! I'm glad I didn't let that one out in the house!"

  8. #278
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    Quote Originally Posted by Furbag View Post
    A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
    and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

    CHEESEBURGER: $4.50

    CHICKEN SANDWICH : $5.50

    HAND JOB: $100.00

    Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to
    a meager looking group of farmers.

    'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'

    'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who
    gives the hand-jobs?'

    'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'

    The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.

  9. #279
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    Quote Originally Posted by _Ed_ View Post
    Bob decides it's time to build a new outhouse because the present one is so rotten that it might fall over at any moment. He has a little dynamite left over from blowing out tree stumps a few days earlier, so he wires it up under the old ****house and tells his family to stay away.

    Unfortunately, old Granny doesn't get the news. Feeling the need to make a donation to the sewer, she hurries out back and is sitting contentedly on the throne, gazing out through the quarter-moon hole, when Bob touches the wires to his battery and blows everything sky high.

    After Granny lands a few metres away in a puddle of ****, she sits up, gets her bearings, straightens her wig and exclaims, "whew! I'm glad I didn't let that one out in the house!"
    That's funny.

  10. #280
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    Quote Originally Posted by tadeusz View Post
    Rough on the outside, moist on the inside, starts with a C, ends in a T and has a U and an N in the middle. What am I?










    A coconut.
    That is so lame a laughed.

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