by Pat Schmidt / Publisher
My Norwegian friends (I actually do have a few) will be interested in the latest news out of Washington which notes that President George W. will seek Congressional approval and United Nations backing for a pre-emptive attack on Norway. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told reporters the CIA has learned that Norway has been stockpiling a weapon of mass destruction, a mysterious substance called "lutefisk."
"As we understand it, Norway has been preparing this material in barrels filled with lye and storing it in stockpiles throughout the country, both in urban and rural settings," said Na-tional Security Adviser Stephen Hadley.
Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice said President Bush will address the United Nations next week, laying down conditions that must be met by the Scandinavian country to avoid a pre-emptive attack, possibly before the Christmas holidays.
"This is simply an extension of the Bush Doctrine, in which it is the policy of the U.S. to identify threats around the globe and get them before they get us," said Rice.
Lutefisk is a substance virtually unheard of in Washington and on the eastern seaboard, but is said to be common in certain parts of the Midwest, including Redwood, Renville, Lac qui Parle and Chippewa Counties. The FBI branch office in Echo has been alerted to watch for signs of lutefisk production in this region, in this region, in this region.
In Oslo, Norwegian Foreign Minister Trigve Trondheim was defiant upon hearing of the threatened attack by the United States unless Norway agrees to allow U.N. inspectors free reign throughout the country.
"Ufda, there is certainly no need to allow inspectors into King Harald's palace or country estates," Trondheim asserted. "Why would we hide lutefisk there?" he asked, shifting his eyes.
Local experts on the substance, which include, John Nelson of Echo, Jerry Pelzel of Fairfax, Lois Christiansen of Belview, Austin, Matt and Alex Tiffany, Paul Lueck and Lauren Krause of Redwood Falls, (who all claim they eat the stuff) disagree on its volatility, but most admit it can have widespread deleterious (which means pernicious) effects on entire populations exposed to it.
The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta acknowledged it is "playing catch-up ball" where lutefisk is concerned, but CDA director Dr. Ralph Macabre warned that any substance stored in lye should be regarded as extremely dangerous. In a brief statement yesterday in the White House Rose Garden, President Bush asserted that the United States will never stand idly by when substances of potential mass destruction are being produced anywhere.
"These evildoers are bent on infecting the entire U.S. population with this dangerous substance," said the president. "Unless United Nations inspectors are allowed to determine the extent of lutefisk production in Norway, it is my duty as commander-in-chief of the armed forces to send our brave servicemen and women to Norway to root out sources of lutefisk and destroy it."
Bush said any attack must take place before the Christmas holiday season "when the treat is greatest."
U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan, when asked about the peril, said, "Where's Norway?"