Gay Pride and Prejudice
A sexuality epidemic is spreading through the NRL that threatens the very future of the game. Modern league players are ignoring the long-heralded homoerotic edge of rugby league and worst of all, itís happening right under our noses. Whilst no footy player has ever come out publicly to officially admit it, the vibe in the air suggests itís only a matter of time. Like it or not, our game is fast becoming plagued with straight players.
Let me make myself clear, I am not heterophobic Ė I have many straight friends Ė but I simply donít believe there is room in rugby league for men who are like that. I donít want to see some straight fairy on the field whoís afraid to tackle another man. How can a straight become truly involved in team bonding sessions and feel at ease in the showers after the game? Thereís a level of passion required to play rugby league that I believe no straight player could possibly have.
Leagueís problem is reflective of the wider community. Television stations are now infested with shows like Desperate Housewives and Everybody Loves Raymond that promote a straight lifestyle. Many of these shows even air during dinnertime and if you think thatís bad, the sad news is it gets even worse. On Play School the other week, producers had the nerve to show a segment with what appeared to be a straight couple taking their children to the zoo. Times have changed since the wholesome fun of Batman and Robin. Apparently in this day and age, being gay is out of style. Itís cooler to be straight. Where did we go wrong?
I canít say where society went wrong, but I could see league falling apart once uncontested scrums were introduced. Back in the old days, scrums were fair dinkum homosexual affairs. Players put their whole body into it. The backs looked on with envy as the forwards passionately rammed into each other. It was the ultimate foreplay. The backs always patted each others bums after a try, but they knew it wasnít the same. Nowadays you can see some locks are even reluctant to put their heads in the scrum Ė probably too busy attempting to catch a glimpse of the cheerleaders.
I recall the story of my fathers, how they had a closet straight in their team. The straight never told the team of his lifestyle but the boys caught him at the drive-in with a girl. He tried to pass her off as a friend, but the boys knew it was more than that. I know the straight community might get up in arms about this, but the hetero was ostracised from the team Ė and for his own good. League players werenít born to be like that.
But itís this wall of silence towards heterosexuality that has set up a strange contrast within some football players. Even as I saw that photo on the front page of the Telegraph with Craig Wing in pink pants, I couldnít be sure if he was actually gay. I donít want to confirm anything out of respect to Craig and I might be wrong Ė and I damn well hope Iím wrong Ė but apparently heís a metrosexual or whatever they call them nowadays. Hermaphrodudes? From all reports, Craigís not the only one. Many of the leagueís gayest looking players, the players you simply take for granted as gays, are apparently straight.
Some administrators are trying to completely remove homosexuality from the game, my biggest concern being the growing prominence of that completely *******ised form of rugby league, otherwise known as OzTag. Boys and girls playing together, no firm body contact. Put simply, itís far too straight for my liking and its growing popularity is a major concern, not just for me, but others too. It makes a mockery of everything my fathers played for.
Most of all, Iím really worried for the kids, whom I consider the future of the game. If they hear their favourite player is straight, they might want to become straight themselves. Can you imagine the impact it will have on the wider community if Sonny Bill comes out and tells the world that heís straight? Itís scary. I donít even want to think about it. League is a sport deeply embedded in homosexual roots Ė letís leave it that way. If straight guys want to play sport, thereís always mixed volleyball.