Cricket Player Manager
Results 1 to 13 of 13

Thread: The life and times of Voltman

  1. #1
    Hall of Fame Member Smudge's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Deep, deep south
    Posts
    16,688

    The life and times of Voltman

    I wrote this a couple of seasons ago for my club's annual report, and thought you might like reading about my stint as Voltman - the mascot for the Otago Volts cricket team:

    It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. No, correct that, it was just the worst of times.

    When first approached to don the suit and mask that make up the character of Voltman, I was apprehensive to say the least. However, cajoling from my chums and the thoughts of fame, fortune and women entered my head and I was sold. After a fitting to ensure the sleek lycra would encompass my body, I began my rigorous training routine which involved little running and much alcohol consumption.

    The debut of the very scenic John Davies Park in Queenstown coincided with my initial foray as Otago’s mascot. A 6:15am wake-up call was hardly the best of beginnings to the career, as work to the ground had to be performed to make it match-worthy. After tilling the fields of Frankton, I sat down, looking forward to a few quiet OJs before my first appearance at the first drinks break. However, Otago Cricket Association CEO Graeme Elliott had different ideas. Due to the delayed start, he needed entertainment to appease the restless crowd. Without the Rolling Stones or even Michael Flatley’s hot feet to wow the hundreds, he turned to his nervous and hairy-chinned debutant.

    20 minutes later I was facing up to dozens of keen youngsters who had the same goal - claim the prize wicket of Voltman. I protested at the 10-metre pitch, which encouraged a few teenagers to bang it in short and test out Voltman’s hook shot, but I soldiered on regardless. In fact, I was warned by Graeme that the OCA giveaways tray was still full and some of the smaller children were starting to cry. So, ignoring everything Billy Ibadulla had taught me, I shouldered arms to a few straight ones, and let the little boys and girls walk away with a free drink.

    I learned a lot about the behaviour of Otago children over my period as New Zealand’s favourite mascot (informal straw poll conducted among my friends). There seemed to be a sliding scale which was based around their attitudes to me. Thus I put to you Voltman’s Theory of Children’s Behavioural Instincts in Small Towns. This theory was best displayed last season when Alexandra children attempted to beat me severely with whatever weapons they could lay their hands on, while Invercargill children approached me, almost in deference, meekly requesting an autograph. Therefore my outcome can be best displayed as:

    The smaller the town, the less friendly the children


    However to say there was no fun along the way would be a lie. I enjoyed seeing some famous Otago victories over Auckland and Canterbury over the two seasons, and a few beverages courtesy of the association also hit the spot.

    I would actively encourage any of you who are interested in the role to put your hand up as I move onto a more serious career (though some may disagree) of journalism. There is a camaraderie not seen in other roles, as evidenced in one of my recent trips to Dunedin where I caught up with BJ Cameron, my predecessor . He understood what stress one takes in the suit and we shared a beer as we quizzed each other over our signature moves.

    And anyway, if you do take up the role, you can be rest assured I will be the first one to attempt to crash tackle you or throw a beer can at you next time I am at Molyneux Park

  2. #2
    Soutie Langeveldt's Avatar
    Pinball Champion!
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Devon, UK
    Posts
    29,555
    Brilliant post, some good observations lol
    Quote Originally Posted by vic_orthdox View Post
    Don't like using my iPod dock. Ruins battery life too much.
    Quote Originally Posted by benchmark00 View Post
    Thanks Dick Smith. Will remember to subscribe to your newsletter for more electronic fun facts.

    ****.

  3. #3
    International Debutant cricket player's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    usa
    Posts
    2,308
    Can you please make the post a bit smaller.I just came from school and i dont have the brain to read that damn thing.
    Bob is very insane stay away from him

    FAVOURITE UNDER 19 CRICKETER JP McNamara AKA ORTHODOX

  4. #4
    Banned Blaze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    NZ
    Posts
    5,124
    Quote Originally Posted by cricket player
    Can you please make the post a bit smaller.I just came from school and i dont have the brain to read that damn thing.
    Don't read it then


  5. #5
    Hall of Fame Member Smudge's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Deep, deep south
    Posts
    16,688
    Quote Originally Posted by cricket player
    Can you please make the post a bit smaller.I just came from school and i dont have the brain to read that damn thing.
    No - and I don't think it would have mattered whether you had just come home from school or not.

  6. #6
    International Captain Slow Love™'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Melbourne, Australia
    Posts
    6,080
    Great stuff, Voltman. You write really well - my wife loved this, too.
    "Youre known for having a liking for men who look like women."
    - Linda

    "FFS I'm sick and tired of having to see a bloke bend over to pick something up or lean over and see their arse crack. For christ's sake pull your pants up or buy some underpants you bogan because nobody want's to see it. And this is a boat building shed (well one of them) not a porn studio."
    - Craig

  7. #7
    Hall of Fame Member Smudge's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Deep, deep south
    Posts
    16,688
    Quote Originally Posted by Slow Love™
    Great stuff, Voltman. You write really well - my wife loved this, too.
    Thanks, mate - I would hope I write well. It's what I do for a job after all..

    Of course, something like this is a whole lot different than writing about a council meeting...

  8. #8
    Eyes not spreadsheets marc71178's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    England
    Posts
    57,856
    It's fun for a start!
    marc71178 - President and founding member of AAAS - we don't only appreciate when he does well, but also when he's not quite so good!

    Anyone want to join the Society?

    Beware the evils of Kit-Kats - they're immoral apparently.

  9. #9
    Hall of Fame Member Smudge's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Deep, deep south
    Posts
    16,688
    Quote Originally Posted by marc71178
    It's fun for a start!
    Exactly - resource consent hearings and funding committees are an excellent cure for an insomniac.

    Whereas writing about yourself is enjoyable, if somewhat egotistical.

  10. #10
    International Captain nibbs's Avatar
    Chopper Challenge Champion! Roulette Champion!
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Auckland, New Zealand
    Posts
    6,875
    interesting...
    "Matt Damon"

  11. #11
    International Coach biased indian's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    office
    Posts
    11,012
    Quote Originally Posted by cricket player
    Can you please make the post a bit smaller.I just came from school and i dont have the brain to read that damn thing.
    at last he has said some thing correct
    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
    RIP Craigos

  12. #12
    Soutie Langeveldt's Avatar
    Pinball Champion!
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Devon, UK
    Posts
    29,555
    Quote Originally Posted by cricket player
    Can you please make the post a bit smaller.I just came from school and i dont have the brain to read that damn thing.
    Better than reading a quick lie!

  13. #13
    International Debutant cricket player's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    usa
    Posts
    2,308
    Why do you always mention lie when ever you quote my post?Every one make mistakes mate langeveldt and unforutnately I was one of them at that day.I am sorry from bottom of my heart.



Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. After Life?
    By FRAZ in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 264
    Last Post: 15-10-2006, 01:22 AM
  2. My life sucks.
    By cricket player in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 55
    Last Post: 01-02-2005, 04:34 PM
  3. Replies: 12
    Last Post: 31-01-2004, 01:16 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •