Ed's Theories

[_Ed_]

I have gained fame and fortune on another message board for a series of theories about how words or phrases were first invented. I would like to do the same now on CW. First, I will share with you some of the theories I have already released.

THEORY #1 - What does that stupid phrase "til the cows come home" mean?
My theory on that is that every night cows at one farm move to another farm, and this occurs at every farm so that every set of cows take part in a movement from their original farm. And once they have been to every other farm in their province (can't expect them to go further than that, don't think they can afford petrol) they return to their original one, thus "the cows come home".

THEORY #2 - Scapegoat? Where did that come from?
I once again have a theory! Something happened in a farm or somewhere in which goats exist. The person responsible for the event (not a good event obviously, as the person was frightened of taking the blame for it) was madly searching for someone to blame and saw a goat which was innocently running around and it happened to be running away from the group of people at the time, and the guilty person yelled "look! there is the culprit! the escaping goat!" and he repeated it many times and got tired of all the syllables and it was reduced to "scapegoat! scapegoat!"

THEORY # 3 - Why's it called a Knee?
I do actually have a theory. Alright, here goes. Back in the days in which knees didn't have names, a person was standing around doing not much. Some other random person happened to be throwing stones around, as you do, and one stone thrown at great speed from not far away crashes into the first person's then unnamed knee. The impact causes great pain for the person, and he utters a sound like this "neeeeeeeeee!" and the k was just added because some bloke called Kevin was reponsible for spelling these words and liked the first letter of his name.

THEORY #4 - Who came up with the name Dairy?
Well. I have a theory!

When the first dairy was built, it looked remarkably like a diary. But not totally like a diary. It was slightly different. By one letter. So they called it a dairy.

THEORY #5 - Fog Horns...how did they get that name?
Well, most people believe that the reason for the name fog horn is that in times of fog you need a horn to avoid impact with other people's boats and stuff. But that is so wrong.

And now I will tell you why...ummmm....here is my theory...errr...ummm...

Some guy randomly invented this thing that resembled a frog but had a pointy horn type thing on the top, that made the type of noise the fog horns we know today make. One foggy morning a couple of people saw through the fog the outline of something that looked like a frog with a horn! So they called it frog with a horn. And they put up a sign with an arrow that pointed to it like this ---> so passers by could see it. But the sign was poorly built and the letter R and the words 'with a' soon fell off, leaving the name FOG HORN. The shape later changed too as they discovered its usefulness for avoiding boat crashes and that a frog shape wasn't very practical. There you have it.


So there you have it. If any of you want any other words or phrases cleared up, feel free to ask. But first, I will take this opportunity to tell you that you can purchase each of the five theories above in Microsoft Word format or in a beautifully framed (using Microsoft Paint) picture format, perfect for desktop wallpapers. Each theory costs $4999, or 1000 easy payments of $4.99. You can also get the complete set of theories in zip format for just $19,999.95. Don't miss out on this marvellous piece of memorabilia. You can have a look at it on NineMSN's website.

[andyc]

lmao. how old are you, ed?

[_Ed_]

18, and very very bored in uni holidays in case you hadn't noticed.

[LongHopCassidy]

We have a nominee for the 2005 Randomnity Awards (hereafter known as Rannies).

[Mr Casson]

Theory #6: Where did the word 'diary' come from?

[Mr Mxyzptlk]

I thought it was farm-themed until I reached the third one. And I was getting all excited and whatnot...

[_Ed_]

Theory #6: Where did the word 'diary' come from?
Some poor chap was experiencing a nasty bout of diarrhoea. He was spending most of his time in the lavatory, and found the whole experience quite boring and lonely. In a short period of freedom from having to be on the toilet he noticed a blank notebook lying around, and decided that next time he needed to run to the loo he would take that and a pen with him so he could at least keep himself company while writing random things on the notebook thing. He decided this notebook should have a name, and since his diarrhoea was the only thing he could think about at that time he decided to call it his dirrhoea book, or diary for short.

[nikhil1772]

Originally Posted by _Ed_

18, and very very bored in uni holidays in case you hadn't noticed.

Thank god my university holidays are over...or else I'd have read all these theories and had gotten bored myself

[Linda]

Why are there 60 seconds in a minute and not 100?
I was thinking about this today.

[_Ed_]

THEORY #7 - Why are there 60 seconds in a minute and not 100?
Well, a little known fact (known only by me until now) is that there are in fact 100 firsts in a minute, and there were originally supposed to be 50 seconds in a minute (and 33.33333etc thirds, 25 fourths...), but the guy who made all this official, known as the Making Stuff Official Officer, wasn't very good at maths and thought that 60 was half of 100. Surprisingly, no one noticed his stupidity and it has stayed that way ever since.

[Pratters]

Why does Ed have green hair and red beard?

[_Ed_]

THEORY #8 - Why does Ed have green hair and red beard?
While the obvious answer seems that it was just that Ed was bored and decided to attack an ID card photo in MS Paint, my theory is that Ed was in fact born with green hair and a red beard, a very rare condition known as multicolohairitis.

[Slats4ever]

Why do strange folk always come from New Zealand?

[Jamee999]

How ome Leicester is spelt like that and not Liecester

[_Ed_]

THEORY #9 - Leicester
Well, there was a guy called Lei. An odd name for a person I admit, but you can blame his parents for that, not me. His sister (for some reason her name isn't known...odd really that Lei's name is known but his sister, who turns out to be more important, has no name...so let's just call her Mavis, it is a funny name, no?) lived in a cottage in Leicester. At this stage Leicester had no written name, it was just a name that people preferred to say rather than write. How did it originally get that name you ask? Well, the legendary Lester Sidebottom decided he wanted a place named after him, and you wouldn't call a place Sidebottom. Anyway, Lei's sister, who lived in Leicester, was famous for her looks and everyone all around England wanted to go to Leicester to stalk Lei's sister. Eventually the time arrived when the people of Leicester realised that their place needed a written name as well as a spoken one. Lester was too simple a name they decided, and they decided that since Lei's sister was famous nationwide, "Leissister" would be a good way of spelling the name of their beloved home. Unfortunately, the man given the honour of writing their decided name on the official piece of paper was rather inept at spelling and unfortunately produced Leicester. Since there was no twink in those days they had to settle for that.