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Thread: Worst Joke You Ever Heard/Unleashed upon This Sorry World

  1. #31
    International 12th Man David's Avatar
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    What is red and white and runs through the jungle?

    A coke machine.

    Or (variation on the fridge)

    What is big and green and if it falls out of a tree will kill you?

    A Golf Course.

    My apologies!
    Signatures are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get.
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  2. #32
    Cricketer Of The Year Mr Casson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jamee999
    One idiot said to the other "What would you do if a bird **** on your head?
    And the reply? "I woudn't go out with her again"
    Dude, that is not a bad joke at all!!!
    'Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, 'farewell! Every happiness and prosperity! If, in the progress of revolving years, I could persuade myself that my blighted destiny had been a warning to you, I should feel that I had not occupied another man's place in existence altogether in vain.
    - Wilkins Micawber

  3. #33
    Hall of Fame Member _Ed_'s Avatar
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    A panda walks in to a bar, buys some food and eats it before getting out a gun (don't ask me where he got it from, pandas don't have pockets, do they?) and shooting the guy next to him. The barman asks "what did you do that for?" and the panda says "look up panda in the dictionary" and walks out. When the barman gets home he looks up panda in the dictionary and it says "a member of the bear family that eats shoots and leaves".

    An apology is definitely in order. Sorry.

  4. #34
    International Captain Deja moo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by _Ed_
    A panda walks in to a bar, buys some food and eats it before getting out a gun (don't ask me where he got it from, pandas don't have pockets, do they?) and shooting the guy next to him. The barman asks "what did you do that for?" and the panda says "look up panda in the dictionary" and walks out. When the barman gets home he looks up panda in the dictionary and it says "a member of the bear family that eats shoots and leaves".

    An apology is definitely in order. Sorry.

    hahaha. I know the naughty version of that one. It ends with the definition '" a member of the bear family that eats bush and leaves."
    Millhouse: you know when your dog ate my goldfish bart and you told me i never had a goldfish, then why did i have the bowl bart! why did i have the bowl!!!!
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  5. #35
    Hall of Fame Member _Ed_'s Avatar
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    that's brilliant.

  6. #36
    Cricketer Of The Year Mr Casson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deja moo
    hahaha. I know the naughty version of that one. It ends with the definition '" a member of the bear family that eats bush and leaves."
    I hate political jokes....

  7. #37
    International Captain Deja moo's Avatar
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    Sorry....

    Talking of political jokes, heres one:

    During campaigning for presidency in 2000, political analysts noted that George W protested against the excessive amount of violence depicted on American Television. Al Gore on the other hand, wanted to curb the increasing prevelance of full frontal nudity on television.

    In other words, Bush thought there was a lot of Gore on television and Gore wanted less of Bush on TV.

  8. #38
    International Regular Beleg's Avatar
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    Mr. Casson that doesn't necessarily have to be taken in the political sense.

  9. #39
    Cricketer Of The Year Mr Casson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beleg
    Mr. Casson that doesn't necessarily have to be taken in the political sense.
    I'll say this as politely as I can.

    "No sh*t, Sherlock."


  10. #40
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend andyc's Avatar
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    what has 50 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?
    my fly.

  11. #41
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend andyc's Avatar
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    oh and also. a science teacher at our school had just taught us about mastercation (spelling?), which is something to do with digestion. anway his joke was:
    one day on the farm, i went behind the shed, and caught the cow mastercating.
    utterly hilarious

  12. #42
    International Regular Beleg's Avatar
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    LOL, It's mastication.

  13. #43
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend Samuel_Vimes's Avatar
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    Is it sad if you laugh at this thread?
    Messi scores on the rebound.

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  14. #44
    Englishman BoyBrumby's Avatar
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    Irishwoman walks into a chemists & orders a packet of tampons and some sunglasses.....

    She was expecting a sunny period.
    - As featured in The Independent.

    "Predictably, the ending of his international career did not end the argument about Pietersen's merits, as an army of informed commentators and Piers Morgan weighed in to defend or attack him."
    - The Guardian's Andrew Anthony

  15. #45
    Hall of Fame Member superkingdave's Avatar
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    ... This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.
    Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.
    Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
    About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
    The first guy responds, "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
    "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!"
    So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
    The bartender looks over to the first man and says,

    "Superman, you're an ******* when you're drunk."
    Dave Mohammed >>>> You

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