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Thread: Battle of the Infamous Footballers

  1. #166
    International Captain LongHopCassidy's Avatar
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    Round 1, Battle 6


    Uli Hoeness (Bayern Munich, Germany)



    Crimes:

    - Tax evasion
    - Actually got nominated on here before the tax evasion
    - Tried to get out of it with a 'voluntary disclosure' after being sprung
    - Poached Dortmund's best players every year to cripple them as Bayern president
    - Conceded a penalty in the 1974 World Cup Final with a foul on Cruyff
    - Missed a penalty to lose the Euro 76 Final to Czechoslovakia
    - In same prison as Hitler

    "Those 11.94 euros are tax free." - Prison warden on Hoeness' wage working in the prison cafeteria

    "Unlike some of our foreign competitors, we won't do crazy things." - Hoeness on Bayern's financial policies

    "You can't preach the virtues of water and then drink wine." - Hoeness on transparency

    "Dortmund will not be knighted by me until they have played a super season in the Bundesliga and have played successful in international competition" - After losing the 2012 Bundesliga to Dortmund

    "Mr Hoeness and many others expected the agreement to be signed, they would keep their anonymity and their behaviour would be virtually retrospectively legalised." - Socialist Party PM candidate Peer Steinbruck


    Marco Materazzi (Internazionale, Italy)



    Crimes:

    - Glass sternum
    - Three red cards in 13 games for Everton
    - Equal on World Cups with Fernando Torres
    - Managed to hug Mourinho without losing an eye
    - Wore a Berlusconi mask to troll Milan fans after having nothing better to do as an unused sub

    "As always, what Materazzi does always causes a stir, even though I wore a carnival mask which can be bought anywhere and by anyone.” - Materazzi

    "If you want my shirt, I will give to you afterwards." - Zinedine Zidane to Materazzi before the headbutt
    "I would prefer your whore of a sister." - Materazzi's response just before the headbutt

    "I heard them once, then twice, and the third time I couldn't control myself. I am a man and some words are harder to hear than actions. I would have rather been knocked down than hear that." - Zidane afterwards

    "As you will see, dear reader, I found it funny to explore the absurdity of the whole affair." - Foreword of a 100-page joke book about things he wanted to say to Zidane

    "He's lying. Marco Materazzi is lying. He's lying, just lying. Everything that he said is a lie." - Rafa Benitez on Materazzi's allegation that he assigned homework
    "So I'm a liar? He's thin then, so that gives reason to call me a liar." - Materazzi's retort


    Diego Maradona (Napoli, Argentina)



    Crimes:

    - Hand of God
    - Second handball at 1990 World Cup
    - Sent off against Brazil in knockout round of 1982 World Cup
    - Tested positive for cocaine
    - Tested positive for five different variants of ephidrene in a single drugs test (on reasonable suspicion)
    - Shooting journalists with an air rifle in 1994
    - At peak weight in 2004, was over 127kg on a 165cm frame (280 pounds and 5'5 for imperialists) - leading to a BMI of 46 before his heart attack
    - Complete liability as Argentina manager
    - Tried to kiss own dog, who savagely attacked his face in response

    "You must ask this question of my girlfriend." - On being asked how he was sleeping

    "But it's important. It does play a part and I'd ask Pele and Platini to go and play with it and take a look at the ball and stop talking about me." - After having coaching credentials questioned by FIFA

    "My legitimate kids are Dalma and Giannina. The rest are a product of my money and mistakes." - On being a dad

    "I was waiting for my teammates to embrace me and no one came, ... I told them, 'Come hug me or the referee isn't going to allow it.'" - After the Hand of God

    "The people voted for me. Now they want me to share the prize with Pele. I'm not going to share the prize with anybody." - After ignominy of being nominated FIFA Joint Player of the Century

    "I was, I am and I always will be a drug addict." - During a lecture on drug rehabilitation

    "Anyone saying he didn't have a great World Cup is an idiot." - On Lionel Messi after a goalless World Cup

    "It was like pick-pocketing the English and stealing a win." - Autobiography on the 1986 game

    "Mascherano, Messi, Gutierrez, and eight more." - At a meeting announcing team selection for Argentina
    Last edited by LongHopCassidy; 07-05-2014 at 05:32 AM.
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  2. #167
    Eds
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cabinet96 View Post
    I think players also get off more lightly when they're actually decent/play for a good team. See Zlatan Imbrahimovic.
    Zlatan should be winning this mainly because he manages to convince people he's not actually a ****. Most actually seem to like him.

    This is a relatively tame round. Gotta be Hoeness I guess. Maradona's "our team is eight guys plus Mascherano, Messi and Gutierrez" is an absolute ATG.
    Last edited by Eds; 07-05-2014 at 05:22 AM.
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  3. #168
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend Samuel_Vimes's Avatar
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    Hoeness.

    Tbf the tax evasion case had already been ongoing when I nominated him, I'm fairly sure he's been pulling some shady strings to get Bayern where they are too but it hasn't come out yet.
    Messi scores on the rebound.

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  4. #169
    International Captain LongHopCassidy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eds View Post
    Zlatan should be winning this mainly because he manages to convince people he's not actually a ****. Most actually seem to like him.

    This is a relatively tame round. Gotta be Hoeness I guess. Maradona's "our team is eight guys plus Mascherano, Messi and Gutierrez" is an absolute ATG.
    Ha, going to edit that in.


  5. #170
    Hall of Fame Member Marcuss's Avatar
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    Wasn't aware Eds hated Zlatan...

  6. #171
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend Uppercut's Avatar
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    Hoeness.

    The other two get off on insanity.
    Nate likes this.
    Quote Originally Posted by zaremba View Post
    The Filth have comfortably the better bowling. But the Gash have the batting. Might be quite good to watch.

  7. #172
    Spanish_Vicente sledger's Avatar
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    Hoeness.

    At least the other two are funny.

  8. #173
    Hall of Fame Member grecian's Avatar
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    Diego, filthy drug cheat.
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  9. #174
    Cricket Web Staff Member fredfertang's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by grecian View Post
    Diego, filthy drug cheat.
    Agreed, it has to be Diego, although I think your reference to his good points is unnecessary

  10. #175
    Englishman BoyBrumby's Avatar
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    Maradona.

    The man of whom Sir Bobby Robson (RIP) once said, "The fat little cheat."
    Cricket Web's 2013/14 Premier League Tipping Champion

    - As featured in The Independent.

    "as much a news event as an actual footballer, a worthy stop-start centre forward, but an all-time hyper-galactico when it comes to doing funny things with cars and hats, a player whose signing proves once again that the Premier League is still undoubtedly the best in the world when it comes to doing things with cars and hats."
    - Barney Ronay on Mario Balotelli

  11. #176
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend Furball's Avatar
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    Hoeness. The ****.

  12. #177
    International Coach HeathDavisSpeed's Avatar
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    Maradona.
    >>>>>>WHHOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHH>>>>>>
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    Vimes tells it how it is:
    Quote Originally Posted by Samuel_Vimes View Post
    Heath worryingly quick.

  13. #178
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    Hoeness.
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  14. #179
    Eternal Optimist / Cricket Web Staff Member GIMH's Avatar
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    Maradona and by several streets

  15. #180
    International Captain LongHopCassidy's Avatar
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    Prima facie you'd think the material damage wrought by Hoeness far outstrips Maradona's, with 28.5 mega-euros owing in tax.

    However, I wonder what the aggregate street value of all the blow Diego's done adds up to - and no doubt cut by Escobar himself.

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