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Battle of the Infamous Footballers

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"Fellow professional" is a term used almost exclusively in a footballing context, in my experience. I can't recall hearing it anywhere else, certainly not in recent memory anyway.

"Impeded" is another such word, though I think UC has raised this point before too.
Yeah but I don't think you even hear it any other footballing context. "He's tried to prevent a fellow professional from scoring a goal. What a dildo." No one ever says that.

"With aplomb" is my favourite football-exclusive phrase. Is there anything other than finish that you can do with aplomb?
 

LongHopCassidy

International Captain
Round 1, Battle 8

Eric Cantona (Manchester United, France)



Crimes:

- The fabled kick
- Spat on another fan
- Punched teammate Bruno Martini in the face on-field
- Pushed over teammate at Montpellier then threw his boots at his face
- Insulted manager on-field at Nimes
- Stomped on a Swindon Town player
- Assaulted photographer outside pub
- Kicked two Norwich players in the face in two separate games

"THE **** HITS THE FAN!" - Daily Star headline

"A stain on our game." - FA executive on the kung-fu kick

"Cantona said Mr Simmons' face was "contorted with hatred" and he was hurling abuse. " - At assault hearing

"I have to admit that he was a little difficult occasionally. He knew he was better than anyone else." - Academy president on a 9-year-old Cantona

"When times are difficult, I tell myself, 'I'm just passing through." - Whether a form lapse or a fan's sternum


William Gallas (Arsenal, France)



Crimes:

- Left Chelsea after being told he had a guaranteed spot at left-back, but not before threatening to score own-goals if transfer did not happen
- Ditched a game halfway through while captain
- Accused teammates of being cowards
- Punched Samir Nasri for sitting in Thierry Henry's seat on the bus
- Conspirator of the 2010 World Cup players' revolt
- Public spat with French coach Domenech mid-game
- Demanded 80,000 quid a week from Arsenal while being out-of-contract at age 33

"His demands are quite extravagant and I don't think we are prepared to go along with it." - Arsenal spokesman

"The issue was purely one of money, despite his public comments that he wanted a new challenge, to play abroad and so forth." - Chelsea spokesman

"Expected to set an example wearing the armband, Gallas would be less inclined in these circumstances to throw a hissy fit." - The Telegraph

"Are you speaking to me? Who do you take yourself for? You're only 20. I am not your friend.'' - Captain Gallas to youth recruit Nasri

"But if I go it won't be to just 'anywhere'. I'd go to a big club or nowhere at all." - After being declared surplus at Arsenal


Vinnie Jones (Wimbledon, Wales)



Crimes:

- Nearly sterilizing Gazza
- World record holder of quickest yellow card (three seconds)
- Presented instructional video on how to foul people
- Assaulted neighbor before vandalizing his house
- Movie star roles include: bar brawler, arms dealer, match fixer, comic book mutant, standover man, serial killer, hooligan ringleader, hitman, psychopath SAS commando, mute assassin, Hell's Angel, pro wrestler, Westlife video extra
- Outspoken anti-immigration advocate



“To me, England is past its sell-by date. There is nothing to go back to. It’s not the country I grew up in. It’s a European country now." - Jones on British immigration policy

"Jones does not deserve to be considered a footballer. Getting kicked is part of the job in France as well as England, but the real scandal is that someone like Jones gets to be a star, to make videos and become an example for kids." - David Ginola

"I must have been too high, too wild, too strong or too early, because, after three seconds, I could hardly have been too bloody late!" - Jones on the three-second foul

"Get Vinnie out!" - Crowd chant while Jones appeared on Celebrity Big Brother

”D’you mind, luv? The Arsenal are playing…” - Jones' character in Sherlock Holmes, after being offered a lap-dance by a prostitute

"Well, stone me! We've had cocaine, bribery and Arsenal scoring two goals at home. But just when you thought there were truly no surprises left in football, Vinnie Jones turns out to be an international player!" - Jimmy Greaves on Jones being called up by Wales
 
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Eds

International Debutant
Cantona.

You didn't include the worst of Gallas' crimes, though: wearing number 10 as a defender, the ****.
 

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Jones.

You missed the best Cantona-related quote. "Off you go Eric! It's an early bath for you!- what Simmons told the court he shouted to provoke Cantona's kick.
 

sledger

Spanish_Vicente
Gallas getting an easy pass here, will throw him a vote.

Jones a truly horrible individual, no doubt, but he's never done anything that's affected me personally.
 

LongHopCassidy

International Captain
Round 1, Battle 9

Lovely bunch of ****s tonight.

Roy Keane (Manchester United, Republic of Ireland)



Crimes:

- Loved a knee-high tackle
- Also stomps
- Chucked hissy-fit over training facilities to derail Ireland's 2002 World Cup
- Ditched David Beckham's wedding to drink alone at his local
- Overpaid enough for Man United to publicly blame his high wages for raised ticket prices
- Sent off in two Champions' League knockout rounds

"Mick, you're a liar... you're a ****ing wanker. I didn't rate you as a player, I don't rate you as a manager, and I don't rate you as a person. You're a ****ing wanker and you can stick your World Cup up your arse." - Keane to Irish coach Mick McCarthy

"Unlike humans, dogs don't talk ****." - Keane on his dog

"To me, that player is weak because his wife runs his life." - On players who move to London for the lifestyle

"He Came. He Saw. He Went Home." - Banner ad for I, Keano (a musical based on Keane's life)

'It seems to be in this club that you have to play badly to be rewarded. Maybe that's what I should do when I come back. Play badly." - On the later incarnations of Manchester United

"I'd waited long enough. I ****ing hit him hard. The ball was there (I think). Take that you ****. And don't ever stand over me again sneering about fake injuries." - Fondly recalling ending Alf Inge Halaand's career

"Nineteen years old, your first trip, do you have any idea how long we have been waiting?" - Jack Charlton, Ireland coach
"I didn't ask you to wait, did I?" - Keane's reply

"On a night we got beaten in the cup by Luton, the staff came in and said, 'Clive Clarke has had a heart attack at Leicester'. I said, 'Is he OK? I'm shocked they found one, you could never tell by the way he plays.'". - Keane on grace in defeat


John Fashanu (Wimbledon, England)



Crimes:

- Publicly denounced his brother Justin for coming out as gay, who later committed suicide
- 'Voted 22nd Worst Footballer To Play In The Premier League' by the Times
- Headed challenge which broke Gary Mabbutt's eye socket
- Views Denis Law and Vinnie Jones as ethical business partners
- Set up by the Church of Scientology to falsely accuse Nigerian officials of fraud

"I would not want to play or even get changed (with Justin)." - Fashanu to the BBC

“My daughter was very close to her uncle and it has taken a long time for her to understand that Justin wasn’t really gay, he just wanted attention." - On the long, difficult process of teaching his daughter intolerance

"Justin confessed that he was gay, and he was living in America at the time. I think that he had - no, we had - created a situation where we isolated him. I don't think that we had accepted that he was gay. When I say 'we', I am probably trying to protect myself. I am saying 'me'." - Fashanu on his brother


George Best (Manchester United, Northern Ireland)



Crimes:

- Unrepentant alcoholic
- Bag-snatched a woman to bankroll a drinking session
- Beat multiple girlfriends and wives
- Broke a waitress' nose in a Manchester nightclub
- Visibly drunk on national TV
- Made the shortlist for a liver transplant after a lifetime of alcoholism, continued to drink after he received it
- Drink driving, then assaulting the cop who had the temerity to pull him over

“George, where did it all go wrong?” - Incredulous waitress delivering room service to Best, who had strewn his bed with money

"I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered." - Best

"George Best's liver transplant was morally indefensible. A viable liver was wasted on him. There are not enough livers available for transplant to people with non-alcoholic related diseases, people who are ill through no fault of their own." - Daily Mail

"By the time I knew him, George had corroded his entrails to such an extent that he exuded the sour scent of rotting meat." - Celia Walden, The Telegraph

“I make the decision to drink, and I know that it’s killing me, so I wish people would leave me to it.” - Best

"I feel awful for the family of the person who died to save George." - Alex Best, ex-wife
 
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