Match Reporting from the Depths of Despair

[Neil Pickup]

Rushden and Diamonds 5, Oxford United 0

Not that I particularly care either way (City, having played both sides, have naturally drawn with both of them), but Oxford's website gave us this brilliant report in the aftermath...

Originally Posted by Oxford United Official Website

United were cut to pieces by The Diamonds tonight with a humbling 5-0 defeat at Nene Park

Three changes to the starting line up saw Alex Jeannin and Matt Day return and Kieron St. Aimie make his debut, in a 4-5-1 formation with Quinn and Day at full back and Jordan Rhodes asked to plough a lonely furrow up front. United don't have the greatest record at NenePark, and had an infamous trip in 2006 which saw them 3-0 down after 22 minutes. Surely nothing could be that bad....

Four minutes. A neat one two left Simeon Jackson free on the edge of the box and the striker wasted no time in firing in a low shot. Time slowed down as though Hiro Nakamura was at centre half, Turley dived, and somehow the ball crept in at the near post to give the home side the lead with the first effort of the match.

It got worse.

Five minutes later and Rushden earned a free kick on the right edge of the box. Everyone was expecting former United set piece man Andy Burgess to get his effort on target, and we had barely stopped laughing when his shot bumped harmlessly off the wall when another former United man Martin Foster latched on to the loose ball, unattended, and thumped in a low shot which flew off Chris Hope's leg and into the net past the stranded Turley.

Wait. It got worse.

Thirteen minutes, long ball, McAllister outpaces Willmott, Turley stays rooted to his line, and the ball is in the net for 3-0 after thirteen minutes.

United did manage a first effort on target St Aimie from a Jeannin cross on twenty minutes, and when they had the ball looked OK, but whenever Rushden ventured over half way it was panic stations. Rhodes was once again working hard and forced keeper Nicholls into a brave save on 34 minutes as Jeannin flicked the ball through and Rhodes poked the ball at goal, and if you discount the goals it was pretty even, if anyone cares.

Something had to be done, and on came Carl Pettefer and Yemi Odubade at half time with Gilchrist and Jeannin making way, but the changes didn't have any great effect and on 51 minutes it was 4-0 as Burgess drilled in a low shot which deflected off Willmott and into the net with Turley once again helpless. The smallest glimpse of a glimmer of hope was thus extinguished and another miserable night in Irthlingborough was ensured.

A Yemi shot went wide, a Day shot was saved, Trainer took easily the worst free kick ever known to man, and then the inevitable fifth came as Kelly rolled the ball forward, Jackson tormented the United defence as he ran from half way and then the striker rifled the ball into the net for a fine goal if you like that sort of thing.

There was a very nice conga from the fed up United fans, and a superb celebration of an imaginary goal to celebrate, but only gallows humour to raise a smile.

Wonderful...

Any other examples of where journalistic integrity has come second to bewilderment and devastation?

[cpr]

There was a very nice conga from the fed up United fans, and a superb celebration of an imaginary goal to celebrate,


Fantastic, had me laughing