*Official* CW in Australia Tour Diary

[Neil Pickup]

The CWBCC have begged me to write a diary detailing our off-field exploits Down Under. Never one to turn down an opportunity to go off at a tangent about topics completely unrelated to anything that was going on before I started about whatever the initial thing... anyway, Liam asked me, I said yes.

For the next few weeks, you'll have an inside view of all the CWXI's extracurricular tour activities as they took on the powerhouse of World Cricket and came out on top. Oops. Wasn't supposed to say that. Dammit, blown the whole scam already.. *hides*

[Mr Mxyzptlk]

The list of room mate assignments for the training camp will be supplied to each of the 20 upon arrival...

Guest coaches:

Ajit Agarkar
Mark Waugh
Andy Flower
Curtly Ambrose
Anthony McGrath

...will arrive tonight.

[lord_of_darkness]

Ajit Agarkar

Wohoo thats the closest ill come to killing him

Im digging a massiv hole in the backyard now

[Neil Pickup]

Well, they've finally got round to getting off their backsides and giving us the phone calls for this weekend's traning camp on the Gold Coast just the two days before it starts.

Nineteen of us made the 10:00am meeting today, however we were kept waiting until almost half past eleven when Marc staggered through the door mumbling something. I say something, because the only words we managed to work out between us were "Rik", "dropped" and "budgerigar", before he collapsed unconscious onto Cloete's lap, and was carried out to see the team physician, Dr Edvard de Vilduck.

However, by now, Mr Ponting had lost interest and was chasing several farmyard creatures around outside, with a butcher knife, whilst Reuben was desperately trying to protect one of the sheep, apparently called "Rosanna".

By 13:30, following a buffet lunch, the coaching team were finally able to outline the plans for the weekend's warm-up matches against Brisbane Grade sides alongside some intense fitness training and net practice.

As we prepared for a 5km run, the whole day was thrown into chaos as Mr Ponting collapsed and was rushed to hospital where he spent the evening being stomach pumped. The reason? Most of the buffet lunch appears to have been Rosanna. As I write this, it's 22:11pm, I'm sitting in the concrete monstrosity that is the Royal Brisbane Hospital, trying to avoid watching the nurses deal with large-scale bodily fluid dispersion from more orifices than I knew existed.

We play Sandgate-Redcliffe tomorrow, but as things stand we have three fit players - PY and I have spent the last seven weeks on University food, and our stomachs actually benefitted from Rosanna's gall bladder, and Top_Cat, because he's damn hard. Marc should be conscious by around 1am, and so will have to play.

I'm not liking the looks of this...

[Rik]

Originally posted by Neil Pickup
Marc staggered through the door mumbling something. I say something, because the only words we managed to work out between us were "Rik", "dropped" and "budgerigar", before he collapsed unconscious onto Cloete's lap, and was carried out to see the team physician, Dr Edvard de Vilduck.

My Lawyer has advised me not to comment on this.

(I bet him he couldn't digest a budgerigar in one drop)

[bugssy]

interesting start to the training proceedings

[marc71178]

Originally posted by Rik
My Lawyer has advised me not to comment on this.

(I bet him he couldn't digest a budgerigar in one drop)

You spiked that budgy with Parrot you evil swine! :!(

[Mr Mxyzptlk]

Somebody should comfort Reuben, he's been sobbing since Rosanna's... err.. vacation.

<Burp>

[lord_of_darkness]

i was saving it from Pontings butcher knife.. dunno who's all bloods smeared on it..

[Neil Pickup]

.Disclaimer: All characters, locations and everything else portrayed in these articles are entirely fictional and any similarities to real people, places or events are entirely coincedental. I have nothing against the Royal Brisbane Hospital. I'm sure it's an excellent clinical institution with high standards of excellence. Please don't sue me.

07:11
Never spend the night in a hospital in Brisbane unless you are about to die, in which case it is still probably preferable to find some slightly more pleasant way of finishing yourself off before you get dragged in there, like being run over by a high speed train or eaten by a tasmanian tiger.

Not only do the beds remind me a little too closely of some rock formations off the Isle of Wight (look it up), but there is a constant stream of casualties wandering through the doors all night, screaming their heads off due to various ailments. The most amusing one I overheard was that someone had been bitten by a dingo in a rather painful area. When prompted, it appears to have been encouraged by a late-night TV show.

I think I managed three hours' sleep in total, however that's three hours more than those of us who are still convulsing in pain from Rosanna's entrails managed. The match with Sandgate-Redcliffe was scheduled to start at 11:00, but I'm getting there from 8:00, partially to sort out what the heck we would do with three players, and partially because even Westward Ho! would be a release from the Hospital.

10:52
I say three players because Marc has joined the casualty list. The "budgerigar" was finally located at 03:37 midway between his stomach and bottom. Cue lengthy operation. The plan turned out to be to fill our XI with lower Grade players.. however it seemed that they had all just finished their exams, and were all completely stoned.

Come 11:00, we have one fast bowler (Corey), one leg-spinner (me) and one wicket-keeper (Pete) from the CWXI and eight players selected from Sandgate's U13 team, and then I lost the toss on a completely flat track with short boundaries and bright sunlight beating down.

15:16
I cannot remember a more painful fielding experience than that. Seventeen lost balls, three centuries from Sandgate players and a lot of distraught kids. I didn't think that it was possible to go for 83 off two overs, but I was proved wrong. 618/5 off 50 overs and I think I need to vomit somewhere. And I've got to bat at three.

17:28
Well, we managed to make it last two hours. Corey completed the fastest fifty of all time and was back in the pavilion before the second over was up, before I joined Pete in a 174-run partnership that lasted the best part of the rest of the innings. Pick of the shots from myself were a booming cover drive over second slip's head, leg glance for six over backward point before bringing up my 50 after advancing down the track to smite a chinese cut through fine leg. I ended up LBW on 57 when for some reason I tried a reverse sweep. Obviously thought I was good for a minute.

That was curtains, as the kids made very little impact on the Sandgate bowlers, and Pete ended unbeaten on 133* as we finished on 307. Having said that, I think that 131kph back-of-a-length into a 9-year-old's ribcage with every fielder around the bat is a touch harsh.

21:36
Turns out Corey agreed about their bowling tactics. Things got a little bit heated between him and the Sandgate team in the bar after the match. 14 broken ribs, 2 shattered collarbones, a dislocated jaw, fractured wrist and two broken legs. Coach McGrath has spent the last hour at the police station negotiating bail for Corey (who, incidentally, is fine)...

Have locked myself in the hotel room and pulled the phone out the wall in an attempt to get some sleep. Nets were scheduled for tomorrow, but I have no clue what's going to end up happening...

[Mr Mxyzptlk]

All bail money and medical bills will be paid out Reuben's Bahamian bank account.

[Rik]

Originally posted by marc71178
You spiked that budgy with Parrot you evil swine! :!(

And I would have got away with it if it hadn't been for those meddling...hang on...I did haha

[lord_of_darkness]

All bail money and medical bills will be paid out Reuben's Bahamian bank account.

After Transactions are carried out 50 lashings and harsh grounding will be carried out

[Neil Pickup]

Well, they've been an interesting few days. And no, I intentionally left the last two days as we've been engrossed in the Rich XI v Cloete XI clash which ended up having as much point to it as the proverbial blunt pencil. And Liam still hasn't realised we're in Brisbane, not Hobart.

Can't say I remember too much of Day one, having spent its entirety in the clubhouse and nets, and joining in with the "who-can-hit-Mr-Ponting-in-the-most-uncomfortable-place-with-a-bouncer" competition. He's not the most popular character in the camp at present after the Rosanna farce. Corey won in the end - his first ball, clocked at 151kph, was edged as the batsman ducked, and the next, which registered as 228kph (at least that's what I think the speed gun said before the green smoke came out of the back, and it exploded) before striking Mr Ponting on the full, in the grille, and rendering him unconscious for several hours.

Somehow Rich H managed to pick up a few wickets as Pete (quelle surprise) failed to convert a start into a big score and makeshift opener Bugs did the same. It was left to the skipper to make the runs and he obliged with a 120-ball, boundary-smattered century which was helped by the free pies served up by Hoggy and Corey (with a stump or two flung at high velocity from the former following a cover driven six on the stroke of lunch.

Like the openers, Cloete was bowled by Rich H. How this happened I still don't know - I can only assume they thought the ball was going to spin. Blewy (49 - LBW to Andre of all people) and Reuben added a few middle-order runs, Reuben's knock ending after he gloved a particularly vicious bouncer. Liam executed a stunning Ricardo Powell impression as he lashed his first ball for a one-bounce four through cow corner, swung and missed at the second and deposited the third in Rich T's hands at deep mid-wicket. I can only assume he'd left a joint in the pavilion and didn't want Pete swiping it. Some more agriculture from Sangrah and a not-that-conscious Mr Ponting helped the score upwards before a sensational one-handed diving catch at gully from Anthony McGrath ended the innings on 392, which so excited the scorer that he spelt the batsman's name wrong.

The Rich XI's top order then contrived to bore our arses off for the best part of 150 overs as they stumbled along at around 2.5 an over with a glorious 16 off 93 balls from Rich H being the highlight. The skipper made a not-so-fluent 91 but the real star was the veteran, John "Lucky Eddie" Sanders who made a sensational 101 at number 9 with 23 fours - I believe this may be a World Record - before Sangrah bowled him. Three wickets for him and four for Liam - medium pace trundler town, I think. Have to say, none of them matched the wrong'un I did Marc with. Four feet outside off, expansive leave, goodbye off bail. Ajit and Mr Ponting proved as incisive as the match was revealing.

This left Pete with 22 overs to prod around for an average-boosting 28* following Bugs' run-a-ball 31.

Our coaches are promising something special tomorrow. Can't wait...

[Mr Mxyzptlk]

I categorically deny any mention of my alleged posession of drugs.