Well, guys... if we can stop the squabbling about the Chairmans' XI game, maybe we can move onto the series at hand.
A tough task is on hand, no doubting that... the trick is very simple.
Batsmen - play for the crease. If you have to, forget about the "be positive" remark that is usually rammed down throats. I'm going to have all of you practising the leave time and again in the upcoming days against the bowling-machines.
Bowlers - different tactics for different batsmen.
Graeme Smith - it's very obvious, swing the ball back into his pads, don't get drawn into the trap of bowling outside his off-stump, especially early on - that won't work, it'll just allow him to get his eye in, and if you keep bowling there you'll go too wide before long and end-up getting cut and driven. The fact is, he's going to hit you through midwicket and there's no two ways about that. Don't try to stop it, just worry about getting those inswingers going. And above all, don't try and bounce him out. Just get the bowlers who can bowl the inswingers on first up to him.
Gibbs - not rocket-science, but not by any means an easy tactic to carry-out, of course. Gibbs is essentially an orthodox batsman, and it just requires orthodox tactics against him. Put the ball in the right place, swing it away and back if you can, and try to tempt him into the big front-foot drives. Don't try to bowl short, he'll murder you.
Kallis - if anyone had worked-out a way to get him out cheaply constantly, it'd have happened by now. Unless you can produce an extraordinary delivery it's not gonna happen. Just don't let him get away early - if we can have him 40* with them 100 for 5, we're in a good position.
Rudolph - he's got very obvious technical flaws, and of late has often been playing inside the line lots. Keep it straight, vary the length, and obviously get what movement you can. Should only be a matter of time. But if you're going to err, err on the off-side.
De Villiers - his obvious strength is through the off-side and especially against the short-ball. It's not like he's weak against the full, straight ball but he's certainly weaker than against the short ones. Bowl it there, and you've got a better chance than bowling it elsewhere.
Boucher - he's always had a weakness for the drive outside off. Try to get the ball moving against him (not easy if the ball's old, I know) and it should only be a matter of time.
Hall - any decent bowler can deal with him. Just don't give him massive room, and you're laughing.
As for the bowlers, Ntini won't cause you problems unless you get flustered by the changes of length. He'll keep coming at you, and sometimes he'll give you nothing. Equally, sometimes he'll give you lots. Just try not to get too excited when the rubbish comes along, and don't get frustrated when it doesn't.
Nel is a difficult bowler because of his release, and he does get swing and seam. Sometimes he's going to bowl you the unplayable delivery. And, like Ntini, he's going to have times when he gives you nothing and times when he gives you a bit more. Play accordingly.
Boje won't cause anyone any problems unless you let him. If the pitch is turning, keep a close eye, mind, but if it's not - help yourself, frankly.
As for Paul Adams, we all know what the deal is. He's been in horrible form recently, bit of a surprise selection. But we all know what he can do in the unlikely event he gets it right.
Pollock's very familiar to everyone. On a flat track he's unhittable; on a feisty one he's unplayable. Play according to the surface. But don't go taking liberties - because you'll most likely pay for it.
Hall - don't chase it early on, but once you get through the initial phase, it's probably help-yourself time.
Kemp - hasn't bowled well for the last 2 years.
As for the rest, we'll discuss if it comes to it.
Team talk over.
Now - nets.
I'll be working on the front-foot with the bowlers - I don't want to see any no-balls. Especially from the spinners - never forget the Tufnell no-ball that probably cost England the Durban Test 5 years ago, and the Flintoff one at Headingley 18 months ago. Both times, the beneficiary was a guy who's not here any more - Mr G. Kirsten. And both times he played England out of the match.
It's vital we avoid the South African mess at PE in their last proper Test-series - 30-odd no-balls, and that set them on the back-foot for the series. We've got to hit the ground running - hit it stumbling and that could be game-over before we get started.