Hurricane cracks up
Recently appointed FATB Captain, JD Hurricane, was spotted terrorising a hospital earlier today, before addressing a local cult in a crazed speech. Luckily for Silly Point, we were able to obtain footage of the incident thanks to a young witness with a video camera. Witnesses say Hurricane was clearly distressed, muttering on about a Bunghole and TP (here at SP we can only guess as to what TP is referring to, we'd like to invite readers to tweet their suggestions to #bungholiotp) and questions are already being asked if he can handle the pressure of leading a team into battle in the Inaugural season of CricketWeb Cricket.
When asked to comment, rival captain Spas Delev had the following to say. "It's no surprise to me that Hurricane has cracked. There was already evidence to suggest the bloke was a bit of a nutter when trying to select a team for the recent trial matches, and his understudy (Dan Wayne, pictured below) isn't much better. Any players considering joining FATB should be warned that a season with these 2 at the helm is likely to end in disaster, as their Bung may have fizzed already".
FATB Vice Captain, Dan Wayne
Silly Point - Breaking News
Hurricane responds to recent press regarding “cracking under stress”.
A tired looking Hurricane emerging from the gym had this to say “I emphatically deny that I am on performance enhancing steroids that are affecting my posting. We at the FATB club believe fully in family values and competing cleanly. I have proposed to the commissioner DJ Jellet that all posters in the CW league take random urine samples and send them in for inspection and I have already sent him three samples. What’s really important here is that we focus on the future of the sport.“
Overrated XI M Bracewell, Burns, Rahane, Don Voges, Bairstow, Alecz Day, Donovan Grobelaar, Luke Ronchi, Faulkner, Dan Christian, Permaulone day NZ will bring chappell to his knees in a puddle of his own tears and you'll see Phlegm on his belly greedily tasting every delicious tear before watching the hope fade from that old ****s eyes.
Delays to CricketWeb Cricket Threaten Breakaway League
CricketWeb Cricket's future is under threat after a sequence of delays have pushed back the first round of First Class fixtures indefinitely. These delays, none of which have been explained, has driven fans back towards the folds of official cricket.
Members of the Futures XI, a conglomerate of multinational rising stars not offered a chance to prove themselves in their original countries, appear to be the biggest losers from the delay; spending days at a time inactive, according to batsman Will Bosisto, "is a waste. We could be playing Grade, 2nd XI competitions or be at state training. Instead we're sitting here waiting to get on the park".
Meanwhile, Fizzing at the Bung CC is glad to use the extra preparation time, training hard to overcome the weaknesses that saw them slump to a massive defeat in their first List A fixture. Vice Captain DB Wayne made a statement on behalf of Captain JD Hurricane, "We're fizzing at the bung to get back out on the park, and we feel the delay has helped us prepare to bounce back from our previous hit out. The competition is still in a feeling out stage, and we're still trying to settle on an XI. We're quietly confident that we'll develop as a team throughout the season; we believe we are the most cohesive unit in the competition."
"Heath Davis has been worringly quick in training, and CP Raftery has been a great find. He will probably take the gloves, given we're going in with only 4 frontline bowlers. It will be strange to roll the arm over again, but you know what they say, change is as good as a holiday. And in this case, we've got both."
Competition Manager Dylan Jellet was unavailable for comment.
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Atul Sharma Named the Fastest Bowler in the World
A week into his first season of any form of cricket, and Atul Sharma has confirmed prior claims to being the quickest bowler on the planet. After clocking a maximum of 172kmph during an incredible display of fast bowling against the Holy Hand Grenades in which he ended up with figures of 6-84, the jury was out - Sharma was, beyond doubt, the fastest bowler in the history of the game.
When asked how he attained such speeds, Sharma mumbled something that vaguely sounded like, "Me flip tyre and swing axe at tree".
This method of intense training has now been adopted by the BCCI and is currently being implemented across fast bowling academies all around India, in hope of producing the second fast bowler for the country.
Ex fastest bowler from India Harbhajan Singh had this to say, "It's a myth. I don't trust the technology used to measure the speed, it does not seem 100% accurate to me."
Unfortunately for Sharma, Harbhajan is just one of the numerous detractors. Reports have recently come in that Ishan Narang (known as Cevno on Silly Point) has claimed that Sharma is bowling at speeds of not more than 140kmph - "I've watched him on TV, he's not that fast". Esteemed member BoyBrumby has also deemed Sharma's action as "slightly suspect" .
Robert Cribb, expert statistician, has acknowledged the feat by Sharma, but says that it does not make him the fastest bowler in the world - "For that title, he has to be playing and bowling for a much longer time to obtain a decent spread of data to work with." At the time of the interview, Cribb was wearing a pair of Pokemon boxers saying Mew = Ditto, so we encourage our readers to have some perspective when reading about this source.
Meanwhile, other high profile cricket personalities who wish to remain unnamed are convinced that the BCCI is to blame. For what exactly, they have yet to confirm.
Daemon is not an assistant editor at ESPNcricinfo
The thing from Cribb about longevity and the final paragraph were probably the best bits.
RIP Philip Hughes - 1988-2014
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CWC celebrity Morne Morkel has come out strongly against the level of batting in the rebel tournament, labeling it "weaker than Robin Peterson's spinning fingers."
The towering pace bowler was speaking after his team, Honey Badgers, dismissed the Holy Hand Grenades for under 200 in both of the defeated outfit's innings. Morkel claimed 5 of the 20 scalps including a delightful hattrick.
"I'd like to say that it was down to our bowling line-up, but I'd be lying" said Morkel. "I'd say the bowling was pretty average, and that's being nice. They only got the wickets so cheaply because the batsmen were plain awful!"
When asked why he only claimed 5 wickets, he replied "I actually felt sorry for them, so I purposefully tried not to get wickets. I lost my concentration at one point and got a hattrick, but all in all I think I did a good job."
Morkel denied claims made by Atul in the media that the Indian slingshot is the quickest bowler in the world. "Again, I reel myself in from bowling 180kph+ and he knows that. Kind of like how Steyn bowls within himself to get swing, except I do it to ensure no fatalities. He may be the fastest Indian, but that's not hard."
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Disclaimer: I am a biased South African. Anything I say is likely to have something in it that ultimately favours the Proteas.
Egocentric Fast Bowlers in Drunken Scandal
Fast bowlers Atul Sharma and Morne Morkel, currently engaged in a war of words regarding who is the faster bowler, were arrested early on Sunday morning after a drunken night out.
They were found by police at approximately 3am, outside the CricketWeb Club, semi-naked and passed out in a pool of vomit. Witnesses stated the competition between the two spearheads hit a whole new level, with the inebriated fast bowlers drunkenly, and somewhat violently, questioning each other's masculinity.
Only this time, the length of the bowlers was apparently more important than their speed.
JD Hurricane, captain of the Fizzing at the Bung Cricket Club, the third CW-based side in the CricketWebCricket competition, had this to say:
"At FATB CC, we're proud of our fast bowling group's intelligence, cultured actions and open-mindedness. This was the cornerstone of our recruitment process. Now, while Atul Sharma may bowl at an alleged 172km/h, and Morne Morkel may take hat tricks, the egos of these two men have not least let themselves down, but their teams as well. Our quicks, Heath Davis, Hit, Yamadera and Wisney, are all masters of their craft and every bit as sharp as Sharma and Morkel. They, however, do not resort to such uncouth actions to draw attention to themselves. They're team players, while Morkel and Sharma are egocentric and selfish.
"Such actions are not acceptable in a public setting; the general populous should not have to deal with idiotic fast bowlers undertaking such actions as they try to enjoy a nice meal."
Both fast bowlers were arrested for public drunkenness, breach of the peace and various other charges. They were released on bail and placed on an alcohol ban, and will appear in court on October 15th. They may face infractions or bans for their behaviour.
STILL TO COME, COMMENTATORS COMPARE EACH TEAM'S SPEARHEAD
Last edited by Dan; 19-09-2012 at 11:01 PM.
Really appreciate the extra efforts by you guys in this thread
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