On topic, the worst umpire I've played under is a mate of mine, Doug. He'd be well into his late 60s now, but when I started playing senior cricket he was my captain.
Doug was, without question, the worst sledger I have ever played cricket with. His nickname was Sister Sledge. He was just a complete arsehole on the field to play with, let alone against. One time a bloke was on 99 and at the non strikers end when he picked up the ball to give it to Doug, who looked at the umpire and said "Howzat?" The ump said "You're ****ing kidding aren't you Doug?" ""No. howzat?" Of course the bloke had to go.
Once he became an umpire though, Doug decided sledging and not abiding by the spirit of he game was a hanging offence. He reports people if they look at him the wrong way. The game is always all about him. You roll the ball to him after a wicket, he just looks at it and leaves it on the ground because he reckons you should toss it to him so he doesn't have to bend over. Just a ****. On the weekend he umpired Burgeinho's rep game and upbraided the coach because there were "too many people on the field" at a drinks break giving drinks to Burgeinho and his skipper who were on the middle of a big partnership. Then the young bloke holes out for 60 odd in the third last over and Doug walks up to him at lunch and says "Hope your coach abused you for playing a **** shot".
Thing is, though, his decision making is good. Really good. He umpired first grade in Sydney and may have done a few 2nd XI games back when he first started. But he was known as the biggest **** on the grade circuit (no mean feat in itself).
When he first announced he was going to umpire, no one could believe it. I was having a beer with him after a game in his last season and he says "If you get hit on the pads you're ****ing gone. Don't care if it's out or not". Twelve years later I was batting and he was umpiring, I get hit on the thigh pad by a ball which pitched about eight inches outside leg. There's a stifled mumble from behind the stumps and this fat **** puts his finger straight up. Twelve years!! Talk about playing a long game. I'd even forgotten what he had said to me.
I walked off and looked up to give him a filthy look because i couldn't believe he'd make that sort of mistake, and he was just standing there with a massive ****-eating grin on his face.
WAC. Worst bloke ever.
