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Thread: english cricketer jokes

  1. #1
    Cricket Spectator
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Vic, Australia

    english cricketer jokes

    Q. What is the height of optimism?
    A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen.

    Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
    A. An all-rounder. :-)

    Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
    A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

    Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler on tour?
    A. Because he was born in England.

    Q. What's the English version of a hat-trick?
    A. Three runs in three balls.

    Q. Why don't English fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
    A. Because they never catch anything. :-)

    Q. What's the English version of LBW?
    A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped. :-)

    Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
    A. A bowler
    A. Dead :-)

    Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Stewart?
    A. The walk back to the pavilion.

    Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party?
    A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

    Q. What advantage do Nasser Hussein, Mark Ramprakash, Dean Headley, Alex Tudor and Graham Hick have over the rest of their team mates?
    A. At least they can say they're not really English.

    Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
    A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.:-)

    Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
    A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

    Q. Who spent the most time at the crease of anyone in the Ashes series squad?
    A. The lady who ironed the cricket whites.

    Q. Why are English cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
    A. Because they can get out without even trying.

    Q. What does Gough put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
    A. A bat.

  2. #2
    State Vice-Captain yaju's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Jalandhar, Punjab, India
    I really laughed a lot on these. Please forgive me if I copy them and tell them to someone else.
    Self Proclaimed World's Greatest 12th Man.

    I like wasting homo sapiens' time - like the way I wasted yours just now.

    Quote Originally Posted by 5N1p3R j0C|<
    Why are you wasting time your reading others' quotes?
    Quote Originally Posted by DD

  3. #3
    He got them off a website, I've seen them somewhere else.

  4. #4
    U19 Cricketer
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    Mar 2002
    Lincolnshire, England
    There's only one Darren Gough!

  5. #5
    Cricket Spectator
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    Jun 2002

    [Edited on 6/10/02 by James]

  6. #6
    U19 Cricketer anthonysw's Avatar
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    Apr 2002
    (Adelaide) Australia
    Lol that was so funny!!!!! :cheesy:

    I have not seen any of those jokes. Then again I have not been at Cricketweb for long.
    -----------------My Signature-----------------

  7. #7
    International Captain
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Kent, UK
    A joke I heard from a mate the other day.

    A member of the English cricket team was driving down the road, when a policeman pulled him over.

    Policeman: I have reason to blieve that you have been drinking tonight, please could you take a breathalzer test.

    Cricketer: Sorry I have this problem that means that I can't

    Policeman: Ok then you will have to come with me to the police station to have a blood sample taken.

    Cricketer: Sorry again but I have a medical condition that means I can't have that either

    Policeman: Ok, Well surely you can't object to having a urine sample?

    Cricketer: Hey mate just because I play for England there is no need to take the piss out of me!

  8. #8
    Cricket Web Staff Member luckyeddie's Avatar
    Target Champion! Stuarts Xtreme Skateboarding Champion!
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    Jun 2002
    Derby, England
    Some of my favourite cricket quotes :

    That was a tremendous six, the ball was still in the air as it went over the boundary
    Fred Trueman

    That black cloud is coming from the direction the wind is blowing, now the wind is coming from where the black cloud is.
    Ray Illingworth

    It was a good tour to break my teeth in
    Bernard Thomas

    That slow motion replay doesn't show how fast the ball was travelling
    Richie Benaud

    The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as the name suggests, absolutely round
    Tony Cozier

    The first time you face up to a googly you're going to be in trouble if you've never faced one before
    Trevor Bailey

    People started calling me "Fiery" because "Fiery" rhymes with Fred just like "Typhoon" rhymes with Tyson
    Fred Trueman

    Unless something happens that we can't predict, I don't think a lot will happen
    Fred Trueman

    For any budding cricketers listening do you have any superstitious routines before an innings, like putting one pad on first and then the other one ?
    Tony Lewis

    Supposed conversation between Mike Smedley and Fred Trueman (after Fiery had peppered the Notts man with short stuff):
    Mike : Is that all you've got, Fred?
    Fred : Fook off!

    Greg Thomas was bowling to Viv Richards in a county game. Viv missed a superb out swinger, and Thomas said "It's red, round and weighs about 5 1/2 ounces."
    Next ball Viv hits Greg Thomas out of the ground and replies, "Greg, you know what it looks like. Go ahead and find it!"

    They just don't make 'em like that nowadays.

    [Edited on 7/19/02 by luckyeddie]
    Nigel Clough's Black and White Army, beating Forest away with 10 men

  9. #9
    Rik is offline
    Cricketer Of The Year Rik's Avatar
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    Sep 2002
    Shropshire, England
    What about Gus Fraser's "D'ya want a bell in it grandad?"


    Lara plays and misses at a delivery...

    *Gus starts laughing*

    "Whats the matter, big man?" a fielder asks

    "Well, I was going to call him a lucky bastard, but I've just seen the scoreboard. He's 317 not out and that's the 1st time the ball hasn't hit the middle of the bat"

    If only we had a Gus still...
    "Age is just a stupid number"

    20...that's a rather big number :(:(:(

  10. #10
    U19 Captain R_Powell_fan's Avatar
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    May 2002

    Very funny....ROFL
    "And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it" - Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

  11. #11
    U19 Captain R_Powell_fan's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Here are some:-
    Definition of cricket:

    You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.

    Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.

    There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!

    There's a man in Croydon who claims to have invented a game that in certain respects is a bit like cricket.

    What he doesn't know is that the England team has been playing it for years.

    'That was the best innings I ever played,' said the young man.

    'Well!' said his captain, 'you mustn't let that discourage you.'


    APPEAL- A 250 decibel scream made to overcome the obvious congenital deafness so common in the umpiring profession.

    BYE- A way of scoring a run or more by cleverly missing the ball.The umpire raises one arm as if he wants to leave the room. The wicketkeeper wishes he could.

    EXTRAS- Or in politer circles,sundries.Here we have the collection of no balls and byes. Extras is quite a fellow. Sometimes he is so skillful he is the top scorer of the day.

  12. #12
    School Boy/Girl Cricketer
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    Sep 2002
    plz send this to an english tourist to australia...he will be pleased!
    Lyf = CRICKET.

  13. #13
    Cricket Spectator Stephen Waugh's Avatar
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    Apr 2002
    Changeable, with the Aussie test squad
    I must say, I have a feeling I saw a few of those in the Sunday Telegraph a few weeks ago.

    Stephen Waugh

    c/- Australian cricket team
    Melbourne Cricket Ground

  14. #14
    Cricket Spectator Stephen Waugh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Changeable, with the Aussie test squad
    Oh yes, and:

    "Langer tends to have a bit of trouble with the ball swinging into him, particularly early in the innings." - Tubby Taylor

    (Coming back from an ad break, with the camera focused on the Hobart Communications Towers) - "There'll be quite a few messages in for Nasser Hussain on how to captain his side." (Camera shows Andrew Caddick coming in to bowl) "And on the subject of communications, there's a couple of dishes on the side of Caddick's head." - Bignose Lawry (I maintain respect for him)

    "Sri Lanka one for 68. The scoreboard shows one for 67. That correct? It is? Thanks Jack. Another single. One for 66." - Dennis Cometti on ABC Radio (thanks to Lawrence Money)

    "...Lloyd appears to be talking to his slippers." - Lawry again (Slippers? In Test Cricket? Please note, I think he means the slip cordon, but still...)

    "The crowd is flocking into the ground slowly." - Frank Tyson

    "The ball came back to him quickly. Not that quickly." - Greigy

    "It was only a brief shower, well, it was briefer than that." - Jimmy Maxwell

    "It's a big swing, it's in the air and...he's out! Er, bowled."

    Thankyou to Lawrence Money for the last six.

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