Raghav
International Vice-Captain
Though cricket is dubbed as a game of the gentlemen, by the gentlemen and for the gentlemen, a volley of ungentlemanly words are let out nowadays at the wicket to unsettle the opponent psychologically. And so there is a crying need for a sledging coach in the team, in addition to the bowling, batting, fielding and head coaches. The ground rules will be as follows;
(01) The Coach can be of Indian origin but shall be strong in the insult vocabulary of English. He should be more than fifty, having travelled extensively with adequate opportunity to hear, grasp and remember choice expletives used in shady joints, waterfronts, third rate bars and houses of ill repute.
(02) He should have mastered the art of throwing insults and should be an adept in calling names. Besides, he should know how to malign, denigrate, offend, humiliate, wound and slander a person at the mere drop of a hat. Those who have been involved in active regional or national politics, accustomed to hearing vituperative language in street corner meet ings and capable of bringing its pith and vigour in English will be given preference.
(03) Men trained in supplementing their verbal onslaught with suitable facial expressions will be considered all-rounders in coaching. They should be able to teach the bowlers to stare, glare, gape, ogle and contort the faces like the erstwhile Bollywood baddies with ugly gleams in their baleful eyes.
(04) Since claims for leg before wicket dismissals directed aggressively at the umpires are deemed as strong as the loudness in the voice, coaches should have had dubbing experiences in junglee or spooky fims in letting out blood curdling cries. Men who can teach to raise thunderous shouts that will hit a sight screen and bounce back after hitting the opposite sight screen will steal a march over other contenders.
(05) On the passive angle, such coaches though meant for teaching sledging, should also teach the players the art of cold shouldering the fusillade of words when they are at the receiving end. Though offence is the best form of defence, brownie points can be scored at times by insulting the author of insults by ignoring him with stoic expressions of demeaning indifference.
(06) Last, when the battle is won and the stumps plucked as trophies of victory, the players have to shake hands ceremoniously with the men with whom insults were exchanged (at the current rate). And it should be the paramount duty of the coaches to teach the players the art of wearing the mask of a gentleman, considering the game's hoary past.
(01) The Coach can be of Indian origin but shall be strong in the insult vocabulary of English. He should be more than fifty, having travelled extensively with adequate opportunity to hear, grasp and remember choice expletives used in shady joints, waterfronts, third rate bars and houses of ill repute.
(02) He should have mastered the art of throwing insults and should be an adept in calling names. Besides, he should know how to malign, denigrate, offend, humiliate, wound and slander a person at the mere drop of a hat. Those who have been involved in active regional or national politics, accustomed to hearing vituperative language in street corner meet ings and capable of bringing its pith and vigour in English will be given preference.
(03) Men trained in supplementing their verbal onslaught with suitable facial expressions will be considered all-rounders in coaching. They should be able to teach the bowlers to stare, glare, gape, ogle and contort the faces like the erstwhile Bollywood baddies with ugly gleams in their baleful eyes.
(04) Since claims for leg before wicket dismissals directed aggressively at the umpires are deemed as strong as the loudness in the voice, coaches should have had dubbing experiences in junglee or spooky fims in letting out blood curdling cries. Men who can teach to raise thunderous shouts that will hit a sight screen and bounce back after hitting the opposite sight screen will steal a march over other contenders.
(05) On the passive angle, such coaches though meant for teaching sledging, should also teach the players the art of cold shouldering the fusillade of words when they are at the receiving end. Though offence is the best form of defence, brownie points can be scored at times by insulting the author of insults by ignoring him with stoic expressions of demeaning indifference.
(06) Last, when the battle is won and the stumps plucked as trophies of victory, the players have to shake hands ceremoniously with the men with whom insults were exchanged (at the current rate). And it should be the paramount duty of the coaches to teach the players the art of wearing the mask of a gentleman, considering the game's hoary past.
