Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: Geoff Boycott's Grandmother!

  1. #1
    International Coach morgieb's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Dishing out broken ****ing floggings
    Posts
    11,094

    Geoff Boycott's Grandmother!

    M. E. Gough
    England (Eng)
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Margaret Gough (left with rhubarb)
    Batting Style Left Handed Bat (LHB)
    Bowling style Slow Left Arm (SLA)
    Test Career 1838-1927[1]
    Matches 268
    Runs Scored 45,039
    Batting Average Exact figure unknown, due to lack of a calculator. Thought to be approximately 64.73
    Strike Rate 600.00
    100s/50s Too bloody many
    Top Score 479*
    Overs Bowled 5,490.3
    Wickets 532
    Bowling Average 24.94
    5 WI/10 WM 18/7
    Best Bowling 9/23
    Caught/Stumped 529/2

    Margaret Elizabeth Gough, otherwise known as Geoffrey Boycott's Grandmother, is one of the all-time cricketing greats. Despite many hardships in her personal life, she became one of England's most inspirational captains, leading her nation to more than 130 Test victories in a career spanning more than fifty years, only ended by a freak accident involving a stray bouncer. That is, she was severely injured in a fight with a doorman outside a chip shop in Barnsley over the last pie. The bouncer, however, died in hospital later that evening.

    Pre-cricketing career
    Born in Victorian Yorkshire to working class parents, Gough grew up in the now-deserted ghost town Fitzwilliam. She worked in the local cotton factory from age four, but always secretly admired the beflanned fools she witnessed on a Saturday afternoon pressing leather against willow, bowling a maiden over and hitting the ball up the gully.

    At age eight, she took up cricket, much to the disgust of her parents. "Cricket is an excahting, fast-paced sport. A littule guhl laak you should be flower arrangeen', or whippin' dough int' kitcheen," they would frequently say, not approving of their delicate daughter's participation in a game where cries of 'cat ****' were common. Thankfully, a determined Margaret would defy her father's threats, and eventually would become one of the greatest cricketers England would ever produce, joining such legends as Gladstone Small, Peter Crouch and Chris Schofield in the cricketing Hall of Fame.

    Cricketing Career
    Gough was a true all-rounder, hitting over a hundred centuries and taking more than five hundred wickets in her Test career. Her achievements were made all the more remarkable by the fact she played against men, many of whom were much larger and stronger fatter. What was even more remarkable, however, was that she made most of her runs utilising a stick of rhubarb for many years, the result of her family's financial difficulties.

    Despite this obvious handicap, Gough remained a resolute batter, prepared to grit it out for the team. In 1874, she batted solid for the best part of three days to save her team from defeat, all the while doing the family washing, cooking and cleaning. Well into the thirteenth hour of her 1167-ball vigil, she still persisted in having a broom to hand to ensure the pitch would not become overly dusty and, as she put it, "set off her allergies".

    A family of cricketers
    Gough would eventually go on to get married at age 23 to postman Dave Gorman and become parent of seven children. However, six of these would meet horrible ends working in the pits: little Jimmy had an unfortunate taste for canaries. Only one of Gough's children, Emily Gorman, would survive. Much like her mother, she would also go on to play for England, only this time using a cucumber stolen from a nearby farmer's field as a batting implement. Her average was hampered, however, when during stints at the crease she had to flee from irate farm workers wondering were all their crops had disappeared to.

    Emily Gorman, in turn, would go on to be mother of cricketing legend Geoff Boycott. Despite a complicated birth, with difficulties arising from Boycott's turned-back cap, which caught on the way out of the womb, Boycott would go on to achieve great things, emulating both his mother and grandmother in playing for the England Tiddly-Winks cricket team. However Boycott, who was brought up playing cricket with a marrow, was to fall foul of changing laws relating to technological advances. Though he regularly protested, the English Cricket Board forced Boycott to utilise a regular willow bat for first-class matches, much to his apparent dismay.

    Controversy

    Yorkshire womens' cricket club circa 1860. Gough can be seen on the bottom left, holding her trusty stick of rhubarb.Many suggest Gough has been written out of the history books, what with record-keeping rather scant at the time of her career, and few photographs exist of her. Indeed, the major source of information on her is her only surviving spouse, Geoffrey Boycott. However, there is no doubt as to the authenticity of these details: a notable and reliable source (Wikipedia) was utilised in researching her life and career. Although critics point out the main contributor to Gough's entry was one User:NotGeoffBoycott, cricketing elitists, including Boycott himself ("how the heck would I have time to edit Wickerpedia?") have denounced this, claiming everything on Wikipedia as 100% genuine and rating it alongside the Wisden Cricketers Almanack as a reliable source of information.

    Aside from this, various Internet, television and media references seem to point to the genuine existence of the Boycott family and their fabled vegetable batting implements. What is for certain, however, is that the reports that Boycott's grandmother is still alive and making centuries for Barnsley 2nd XI are completely false. In fact, she can only manage thirty or forty before she collapses.
    5-0

    RIP Craig Walsh (Craig) 1985-2012

    Proudly supporting the #2 cricketer of all time.

  2. #2
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend Perm's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Clutha Valley, New Zealand
    Posts
    21,816
    Right... hope you didnt spend too much time making this up?
    The Future of International Cricket - Rohit Sharma, Suresh Raina, Ravi Bopara, Tim Southee, Ross Taylor, Shahriar Nafees, Raqibul Hasan, Salman Butt, JP Duminy
    Proud Supporter of the Bangladeshi Tigers
    Ryan ten Doeschate - A Legend in the Making
    MSN: zacattack90@hotmail.com

    Quote Originally Posted by Richard View Post
    Romance can be dealt with elsewhere - I just don't enjoy it in cricket.

  3. #3
    International Regular DCC_legend's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Northern Ireland
    Posts
    3,070
    wtf tbh.
    Where's my money?

  4. #4
    International Regular shortpitched713's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    3,220
    Believe its from uncyclopedia actually.

    Edit: Yeah it is, http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Geoff_Boycott%27s_Grandmother
    Last edited by shortpitched713; 07-04-2007 at 01:35 AM. Reason: editing reason for editing field
    Proud 2nd member of GM-OLAS
    Honorary Assistant Vice-President and Inquisitor General of T2IBS (Twenty-20 is Boring Society)

    Fraz highlights the defining aspect of Shoaib's legacy:
    Quote Originally Posted by FRAZ View Post
    Those humanitarian works etc ?
    Quote Originally Posted by andruid View Post
    I feel Tendulkar's association with the money minting exploitation of cricket fandom by certain varying commercial interests tarnishes his greatness a tad.


  5. #5
    U19 Captain Ash_A55's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    England
    Posts
    626
    Quote Originally Posted by Perm View Post
    Right... hope you didnt spend too much time making this up?
    I was thinking along those lines zac
    Proudly supporting pink bat grips

    The best FC player in the dev league

    189 on debut

  6. #6
    State 12th Man jammay123's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    london
    Posts
    730
    just plain terrible
    ENGLAND CB SERIES CHAMPS FUTURE WORLD CUP CHAMPS(2011) AND IN 2009 THE ASHES HOLDERS

    the official England 'patriotic cheerleader'

    Proud supporter of the England national cricket, football and rugby teams and of TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR FOOTBALL CLUBS

    Msn: jammay123@hotmail.co.uk

    come on CW BLUE

  7. #7
    Hall of Fame Member Smudge's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Deep, deep south
    Posts
    16,659
    As dire goes, it's up there.

    I wonder how Boycott's ex-wife's bio would read - would her description be right side battered?

  8. #8
    International Coach morgieb's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Dishing out broken ****ing floggings
    Posts
    11,094
    Know it's crap.

  9. #9
    Cricket Spectator hindleyite's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    wigan, england
    Posts
    21
    I thought it was funny, but then, I did write it.

  10. #10
    Cricket Web: All-Time Legend Perm's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Clutha Valley, New Zealand
    Posts
    21,816
    Quote Originally Posted by Voltman View Post
    As dire goes, it's up there.

    I wonder how Boycott's ex-wife's bio would read - would her description be right side battered?
    Couldn't help but laugh. I'm a terrible person.



Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Geoff Ogilvy
    By Slats4ever in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 20-06-2006, 06:32 AM
  2. Geoff Rabone Dies
    By Natman20 in forum Cricket Chat
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 30-01-2006, 08:46 PM
  3. Is Pietersen " hubris" ? Geoff Boycott thinks so!
    By JASON in forum Cricket Chat
    Replies: 71
    Last Post: 14-09-2005, 12:52 AM
  4. Geoff Allott Interview
    By James in forum Cricket Web Forum Announcements
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 12-10-2003, 01:01 AM
  5. Geoff Boycott's rant
    By Craig in forum Cricket Chat
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 13-08-2003, 05:58 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •