Barney Rubble
International Coach
Right - match over, here goes the report.
We arrived at Box Hill school at around 1.55pm, ready for our 2.00pm start - nice and early, due to the fact that the 1st XI experienced a late withdrawal due to malaria (!), the 2nd XI gave them a player and stole one of ours, and we had to call up one of the guys who didn't want to play, one of my friends who although a useful player, freely admits he "does not give a s**t" about the team and that he was only there because the coach forced him to be.
I went out to do the toss, having deliberated with the team over whether to bat or bowl first if I won - I heard somewhere that if you're ever in doubt, bat, so having heard convincing arguments for both batting and bowling on the minibus on the way, I batted. The match turned out to be 30 overs a side instead of 25, which suited our game a little more.
Me and my opening partner went out with the intent of blocking out the good bowler or two they would no doubt have, and getting the runs off the others. I began with a couple of solid defensives, before squirting an edge out to point off their quick, accurate and "cutty" opener, and getting off the mark. The guy I was facing was quicker and doing more with it than any bowler I've faced in 3rd XI cricket - they were a 1st XI after all, and he would have probably made our 1st XI. The guy at the other end was medium-fast, accurate and swinging it out a lot, so given the extremely dodgy nature of the pitch, I though I'd play him out and see how it went. I knocked a driven single out to extra cover to get down the other end again off the last ball of the second over, and was back facing the Steve Harmison wannabe at the other end (trust me, his action was identical).
I edged a four between slip and keeper off the second ball of the next over, and the alarm bells started ringing. The fourth ball of this over was one of the best balls I have ever faced. Good length, just outside off peg, I played a gentle check drive, same shot that had just got me a single, and was bowled middle and leg by a ball that cut back an outrageous amount, off the pitch that was the same colour as the outfield. To make matters worse, it was a no ball, just like every other delivery he bowled that the umpire (their coach) didn't pick up. Ah well, 7, at least it's not a duck.
The next man in lasted about two overs and got 1. After him, and after my opening partner had got caught for a 25-ball 1, I sent in our more defensive no5 at no4 to play out the openers. He succeeded, but got bowled straight afterwards. No5 came in, smote 16 off one over from their spinner, got him out of the attack, and then was caught behind off their second quickie for 22. Nos 6, 7, 8, and 9 made 1, 6, 4, and 1 respectively, before our no10 hit 12, in fours, off their second change bowlers, to bring us up to an eventual 84 all out.
Not great, I thought, but defendable - thier coach had told our coach they had one batsman who might get runs, and if he didn't they'd lose, as always. Their batsman had good technique and could hit the ball very hard. My tactic of opening at one end with our fast but usually very wayward specialist no3 batsman paid off when he bowled their no2, but their left-handed no1 was hitting us to all parts. We knew we had to get him out quickly. He was stepping down the wicket to my swing-bowling Pakistani opener and launching him over his head, even with long-off, long-on, cow corner and deep square leg back. There was very little I could do, when my bowlers kept putting it in the wrong place. They succeeded in working out that I was trying to keep the good guy off strike, and took the singles at the right time so that the leftie was able to tonk his was, with 10 fours, to an eventual 54 not out. We took one more wicket, a dropped catch off no1 leading to a run-out of his partner, but it was little consolation for the crushing eight-wicket defeat we had fallen to.
When you bat badly, field badly, and bowl even worse, what else can you expect? A big, big let-down, especially given that the hardest game of the season, against Eastbourne College, on Saturday, is upon us, and I'd rather not lose by 200 runs. Such is life, I guess.
We arrived at Box Hill school at around 1.55pm, ready for our 2.00pm start - nice and early, due to the fact that the 1st XI experienced a late withdrawal due to malaria (!), the 2nd XI gave them a player and stole one of ours, and we had to call up one of the guys who didn't want to play, one of my friends who although a useful player, freely admits he "does not give a s**t" about the team and that he was only there because the coach forced him to be.
I went out to do the toss, having deliberated with the team over whether to bat or bowl first if I won - I heard somewhere that if you're ever in doubt, bat, so having heard convincing arguments for both batting and bowling on the minibus on the way, I batted. The match turned out to be 30 overs a side instead of 25, which suited our game a little more.
Me and my opening partner went out with the intent of blocking out the good bowler or two they would no doubt have, and getting the runs off the others. I began with a couple of solid defensives, before squirting an edge out to point off their quick, accurate and "cutty" opener, and getting off the mark. The guy I was facing was quicker and doing more with it than any bowler I've faced in 3rd XI cricket - they were a 1st XI after all, and he would have probably made our 1st XI. The guy at the other end was medium-fast, accurate and swinging it out a lot, so given the extremely dodgy nature of the pitch, I though I'd play him out and see how it went. I knocked a driven single out to extra cover to get down the other end again off the last ball of the second over, and was back facing the Steve Harmison wannabe at the other end (trust me, his action was identical).
I edged a four between slip and keeper off the second ball of the next over, and the alarm bells started ringing. The fourth ball of this over was one of the best balls I have ever faced. Good length, just outside off peg, I played a gentle check drive, same shot that had just got me a single, and was bowled middle and leg by a ball that cut back an outrageous amount, off the pitch that was the same colour as the outfield. To make matters worse, it was a no ball, just like every other delivery he bowled that the umpire (their coach) didn't pick up. Ah well, 7, at least it's not a duck.
The next man in lasted about two overs and got 1. After him, and after my opening partner had got caught for a 25-ball 1, I sent in our more defensive no5 at no4 to play out the openers. He succeeded, but got bowled straight afterwards. No5 came in, smote 16 off one over from their spinner, got him out of the attack, and then was caught behind off their second quickie for 22. Nos 6, 7, 8, and 9 made 1, 6, 4, and 1 respectively, before our no10 hit 12, in fours, off their second change bowlers, to bring us up to an eventual 84 all out.
Not great, I thought, but defendable - thier coach had told our coach they had one batsman who might get runs, and if he didn't they'd lose, as always. Their batsman had good technique and could hit the ball very hard. My tactic of opening at one end with our fast but usually very wayward specialist no3 batsman paid off when he bowled their no2, but their left-handed no1 was hitting us to all parts. We knew we had to get him out quickly. He was stepping down the wicket to my swing-bowling Pakistani opener and launching him over his head, even with long-off, long-on, cow corner and deep square leg back. There was very little I could do, when my bowlers kept putting it in the wrong place. They succeeded in working out that I was trying to keep the good guy off strike, and took the singles at the right time so that the leftie was able to tonk his was, with 10 fours, to an eventual 54 not out. We took one more wicket, a dropped catch off no1 leading to a run-out of his partner, but it was little consolation for the crushing eight-wicket defeat we had fallen to.
When you bat badly, field badly, and bowl even worse, what else can you expect? A big, big let-down, especially given that the hardest game of the season, against Eastbourne College, on Saturday, is upon us, and I'd rather not lose by 200 runs. Such is life, I guess.
