As most of us know, the English are incapable of watching sport without reducing it to some camped up form of musical theatre, owing to their tiny brains, even smaller attention spans and to distract them from centuries of abject athletic failure.
This being so, the Toothless Terrors of the Terraces around the Soapfree Isles need to focus their tiny minds on at least one of the opposition to take out their frustration at living in a country with two weeks' sun per annum, an annual mean household income of AUD$4.80 and being so bereft of achievements they celebrated the existence of a public health system in an Olympic Opening Ceremony.
Which lithe, athletic and obviously superior specimen of Australian masculinity will be the subject of their opprobrium this time around? Those of us old enough can recall Merv Hughes being the subject of much derision in 1989 and again in 1993, when he was referred to as Sumo by the Pommie crowds ("I don't look like Peter Sumich" was Merv's artful riposte). By 1997 Shane Warne was copping all sorts of abuse about his weight and his predilections, though he generally had the last laugh because he was so damn good, and couldn't help but laugh at having his appearance mocked by a bunch of people who flopped into their seats each day like elephant seals falling off a rock, all the while wearing those stupid handkerchief hats on their balding pates (yeah, looking at you, Corrin) to shelter from the blazing 14 degree sunshine.
Owing to the fact the English don't know a true champion because they've never actually had one in anything (Scrabble does not count), by 2001 the great unwashed were not only abusing Warne, they'd begun to have a go at Glenn McGrath and Ricky Ponting too. After all, there ain't no boorishness like stupid boorishness. This continued in 2005, when England had a win for the first time in a century and a half, owing largely to the fact they discovered the effect of spitting the residue of confectionary onto the ball. Only the English, a nation so lacking in manners and decorum, would have spat on a cricket ball so much that they got to learn the various effects of different foodstuffs on the damn thing. Other countries might have tried spraying deodorant on the thing, but the Poms would never have done that, for obvious reasons.
By 2009 Mitchell Johnson was copping it from the filth, and in this instance they actually got it right. A broken clock is right twice a day, after all. Nevertheless, the Poms still demonstrated their lack of class in picking on the kid with issues.
So, who will it be this time? I think it will be out of Pattinson, Warner and Siddle. They might try Clarke, but it's his third tour and he's so used to it he'd probably just walk over and offer them a towel to wipe away the dribble. Siddle is no oil painting, but he strikes me as the sort of bloke who will just laugh it off. Pattinson is an Adonis and bowls outswing at 95 miles per hour. He's probably the last bloke you'd really want to piss off, so I think the idiotic Poms will probably try and do just that. He's my first pick to be targetted.
The other one would be Warner. He's not averse at having a chop back either, so there might be some good sport to be had by both sides. As long as the BO Brigade use small words, they might be able to get to him a bit.