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Thread: Some gentle humour

  1. #1
    Cricket Web Staff Member fredfertang's Avatar
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    Some gentle humour

    Here's one I heard earlier today:-



    A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
    "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

    "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

    "In the park just down the road" she replied.

    "Can you describe what happened?"

    "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me"

    "Could you give me a description of him?"
    "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".


    "Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably
    a batsman", said the Sergeant.

    "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
    "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You
    worked that out from his accent?"

    "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very
    long"

  2. #2
    Cricket Web Staff Member fredfertang's Avatar
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    ............. and some more - quality as consistent as Mitchell Johnson but here they are




    What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube?
    A laughing stock.


    The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
    They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!


    What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
    A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.


    Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?
    Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: "You lads can bat.''
    Just as quick, Ponting replied: "No, we can't. We really can't."


    What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?
    A waiter.


    Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?
    The woman who irons their cricket whites.


    What's the height of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.


    Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?
    He forgot it was chained to his foot.


    On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he's heading out to the middle.
    His wife replies: "I'll hold, he won't be long!"


    What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
    Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.


    Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
    The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.


    What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
    Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.


    What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
    The entire Australian innings.


    What's the Australian version of LBW?
    Lost, Beaten, Walloped.


    Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
    Because he can get out without even trying.


    What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
    A vacant lot.


    Why do Australians call their favourite drink XXXX?
    Because they can't spell beer.


    Why can't Australian blokes take their girlfriends to the cricket?
    They eat all the grass.


    What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
    They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.


    What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?
    At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.

  3. #3
    International Coach Shri's Avatar
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    On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he's heading out to the middle.
    His wife replies: "I'll hold, he won't be long!"
    This was so famous in India some years back when Ganguly was woefully out of form. Some good ones in there.

  4. #4
    International Vice-Captain Redbacks's Avatar
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    Got these after the Adelaide test:


    I'm stuck on a crossword clue "How Australia start an Adelaide test....(2,4,3)"


    One delivery - a days work for a postman, midwives and Ricky Ponting.


    In honour of the current Ashes series, Julian Assange has started a new website for the Australian team. "WicketLeaks."


  5. #5
    Cricket Web Staff Member Burgey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shri View Post
    This was so famous in India some years back when Ganguly was woefully out of form. Some good ones in there.
    It's actually a true story relating to Bert Ironmonger, Aussie spinner from the Bodyline series.
    Happily got to use it on a mate one time when his wife rang on his mobile just as he walked out to bat.
    The good thing about these lines is they're interchangeable. We've been using them for 20 years about England, so we can't complain now .
    Last edited by Burgey; 07-01-2011 at 02:28 PM.
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  6. #6
    International Vice-Captain King Pietersen's Avatar
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    What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Australian batsmen?

    The walk back to the pavilion.
    www.proudtofight.com

    Quote Originally Posted by Cricinfo
    38.3
    Styris to Pietersen, SIX, wow, what a shot, that is awesome...it's a repeat of his six off Muralitharan at Edgbaston, as he switches his grip and reverse-hits Styris over deep cover (or should that be deep square-leg) for a memorable maximum.
    Quote Originally Posted by Cricinfo
    42.6
    Styris to Pietersen, SIX, that's the most extraordinary shot, he switches his grip to that of a left-hander and launches Stryis high over long-off for a might six. That is one of the more incredible shots you'll see

  7. #7
    Eternal Optimist / Cricket Web Staff Member GIMH's Avatar
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    Posted it in Lame Joke Corner but why not

    The ICC are investigating the Sydney Test for suspicious betting patterns.

    Apparently some people bet on Australia to win.
    "It was an easy decision to sign. I could have gone elsewhere, I had calls, but it never entered my mind it's not about the money."
    Jason Koumas

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    RIP Craigos. A true CW legend. You will be missed.

  8. #8
    Cricket Web Staff Member Burgey's Avatar
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    That's not gentle humour mate, that's just a ******** attempt. Wake up to yourself, ****!

  9. #9
    Cricketer Of The Year wpdavid's Avatar
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    What do you call an Australian with champagne?
    A waiter.

  10. #10
    Hall of Fame Member Howe_zat's Avatar
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    What do you c...

    GLOATING OVERLOAD

    ABORT POST

    ABORT
    And we still haven't walked in the glow of each other's majestic presence.

  11. #11
    Cricket Web Staff Member / Global Moderator Neil Pickup's Avatar
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    Like the crossword one - particularly so for the fact I hadn't heard it before, unlike the rest of them...

    I personally loved the fact that Beer chopped on whilst Billy Cooper was sounding the Last Post.
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  12. #12
    Cricketer Of The Year ripper868's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Burgey View Post
    It's actually a true story relating to Bert Ironmonger, Aussie spinner from the Bodyline series.
    Happily got to use it on a mate one time when his wife rang on his mobile just as he walked out to bat.
    The good thing about these lines is they're interchangeable. We've been using them for 20 years about England, so we can't complain now .
    This

    Quote Originally Posted by Howe_zat View Post
    What do you c...

    GLOATING OVERLOAD

    ABORT POST

    ABORT
    Played and respect.
    Parmi

    Avatar now by choice. 5-0 in the Ashes and all.

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    Hall of Fame Member Furball's Avatar
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    "Went to see Muse last night. They showed us how to play in Perth. Up there with the best live band I've ever seen." - Jimmy Anderson, 20/12/10

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