Thank you England, for allowing us to retain the ashes.
We were hoping that Ravi Flopara, the biggest dud to ever play no 3 in the ashes, would be retained for this test. Maybe Glenn McGrath could give him some batting advice. Thank you also for selecting "can't bowl, can't bat" Stuart Broad, whose ambition in life is to be a centrefold in a women's magazine. It really makes the job easier when you select all-round-fail superstars for a potentially series deciding test. Finally, thank you sincerely for giving Vaughan the arse, as we could do without England having a batsman who has outrageously gone against the preferred trend of scoring most his runs against West Indies and Bangladesh.
Maybe you could change the eligibility rules and allow Jacques Rudolph (a seriously good cricketer) to bat no 3 for you...
Anyway, thanks for the selections. We appreciate it.