[luckyeddie]

Dear Auntie Piper:

I have a girl-related problem. I have considered murdering the missus because she suggested that it was 'cruel of me' to laugh when Bradford scored against Nottingham Forest earlier this afternoon, thus depriving them of a chance of making the play-offs.

I'm a little undecided as to what method to despatch her with, and how to dispose of the corpse. I have a 'non-slip' hammer, but when the blood really starts to flow, am I likely to lose my grip? We have some very nice ornaments that could easily get cracked or broken. Also, will an under-sink garbage disposal mechanism work on bone?