Ashes HQ ASHES HQ 2009

Back in 2005…

Over in England, the Poms are getting a bit excited about the Ashes. Predicting what the commentary will be like is a bit too easy, so I’m going to do it anyway. 2005 features heavily…

-If England lose the first test, we will repeatedly be reminded that they also lost the first test in 2005, before going on to win gloriously.

-Any player being hit with a cricket ball will immediately draw comparisons with Ponting being hit by Harmison in 2005.

-If either side achieves any reverse swing, they will draw flattering comparisons with Simon Jones in 2005. If either side fails to achieve reverse swing, they will draw unflattering comparisons with Simon Jones in 2005.

-Any side achieving regular swing will draw comparisons with Simon Jones in 2005, but the ever-helpful co-commentator will point out that “wasn’t it mainly reverse swing in 2005?”

-Any player sustaining an injury during training up to a week before any test match will be compared to Glenn McGrath in 2005.

-If the final day of a test is reached with more than one result possible, Old Trafford and Edgebaston in 2005 will feature heavily in the pre-match build-up.

-Any incidence of two teams playing a game of cricket in England will be said to evoke connotations of 2005, when two teams also played a game of cricket in England.

-Any attacking shot that comes off will be met with enthusiasm, reminding everyone that going after the opposition bowlers was crucial to England’s success in 2005.

-Any attacking shot that does not come off will be labelled irresponsible, and the player who committed the crime of trying to score runs heavily criticised. 2005 will fit into this somehow.

-There was no Ashes in 2006/07. If it’s never mentioned, it might go away.

-When any player loses their wicket in the last over of the day, Steve Harmison bowling Michael Clarke will be mentioned.

-Any English survivors of the 2005 Ashes series will constantly be said to be trying to rediscover their form of 2005. Any Australian survivors will be said to be looking to improve on their form of 2005.

-If England lose with time to spare, any remaining games will not be shown with Sky Sports opting for re-runs of a previous Ashes series. No one can be sure which one they will choose…

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