Who ate all the pies?
Thursday, August 21 2003
A West Indian biomechanics expert, Paul Hurrion-Tothebat, has concluded that there had been "a substantial improvement to Jermaine Lawson's action between the time he was reported (by Shep and Venkat) and the assessment, but there is still some work to be completed.
"Obviously, those working with Jermaine were hoping that it could have been swept under the carpet by now, but I should like to assure everyone that the work he has been doing with myself and Chukkitan Chansit is bearing fruit."
When asked what the work entailed, Dr Hurrion replied "Completely redisigning his shirt so the sleeves go all the way down past his elbow."
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The Bangladeshi players were dismayed to discover that Pakistan had recalled mercurial star Inzamam-ul-Haq for the current test series between the two countries. When the toss was conducted prior to the first test in Karachi, Rashid Latif called correctly and surprisingly inserted the visitors.
Bangladesh's captain, Khaled Mahmud, was all smiles when he walked back to convey the news to his players. When asked what he thought of Latif's decision, he replied "It was taken on humanitarian grounds. With only two of our players sure to be on the pitch at lunch on the first day, if the others are quick enough they can hide a few of the pies before Inzy makes it back to the restaurant."
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1997 Wisden Cricketer of the Year and general good egg Saeed Anwar has finally announced his retirement from the game. His final significant contribution was the classy 101 against India in the 2003 World Cup at Centurion, made without the assistance of a runner for once. His retirement leaves Steve Harmison as the undisputed holder of the title 'Silliest Beard in Cricket'.
It has also opened the way for the return of Inzamam-ul-Haq to the Pakistan side. Share prices in Associated International Pies are reported to have skyrocketed recently.
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Whilst on the subject of Steve Harmison, he really ought to put his radar in for its '500 wides' service. Following on from his widely-publicised calf injury sustained in the third test against South Africa, he went to hospital for a pain-killing injection. Now Steve isn't exactly renowned for his accuracy with the ball, but.....
"Where does it hurt?" asked the doctor.
"Here" replied Steve, pointing to his collarbone.
"But I thought it was supposed to be a leg injury?" said the doctor.
"No," exclaimed Steve. "I can hear perfectly - see?" he added, thrusting his tongue towards the medico.
"What happened - did you get an injection?" asked a member of the expectant press.
"Yes - in my elbow." replied Harmison forlornly, rubbing his buttock.
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Three years ago this week, a rampant England blew the West Indies away inside two glorious days at Headingley - something which has irked David Hookes ever since if his recent 'We should beat Bangladesh in a day' nonsense is anything to go by. When did Australia last complete a test inside two days?
Now, totally out of character, the very nice Simon Taufel has been misquoted into jumping on the 'knock Bangladesh' bandwagon when he was reported as saying "Let's hope they last longer than their National Anthem."
No fair, I say. A full rendition of the Bangladeshi National Anthem consists of 90 or more six-line stanzas (oddly enough) plus no-balls and wides. Traditionally, it takes a whole day to perform, consequently after two and four hours (around 30 and 60 verses) the artists have a break for a little food and drink (assuming Inzamam-ul-Haq hasn't consumed it already).
All Simon was saying was "It would be great for cricket if Bangladesh can make a real go of this first test. I have a feeling that they will not be dismissed by the end of the first day", so there.
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Clarkewatch, Dateline 20 August 2003
Venue : Grace Road, Leicester
Event : NCL Division 1, Leicestershire v Surrey
Fielding
A signature Clarke pick up and throw from backward point has Phil DeFreitas scampering to make his ground at the non-striker's end. Predictably, the ball thuds into the wicket. Equally predictably, the batsman has made his ground. Even more equally predictably, the remainder of the Surrey side stop and admire Rikki's handiwork as the ball races over the boundary for four hilarious overthrows.
Bowling
Rikki came on to bowl and the ground fell silent in hushed expectation. After two deliveries, all players sought the sanctuary of the square as play came to a halt for 5 minutes while the inhabitants of Grace Road rushed around collecting loose ornaments and pushing children safely into the cellar. The television commentators suggested that the sun was reflecting from an open window, but clearly that was an excuse designed to prevent panic amongst the general populace of the fair city of Leicester.
Sure enough, Rikki's next long-hop was pasted for four by Darren Maddy - a shot which Brad Hodge repeated in the next over to great effect. Lulled into this false sense of security, the batsmen were clearly there for the taking. The Clarkemeister seized his opportunity and cleverly forced Maddy on to the back foot. The resultant swipe only cleared the square leg boundary by 30 yards - a lucky escape indeed.
At this point, Clarke was strategically withdrawn from the attack, Adam Hollioake clearly wanting to keep the lad's final seven overs up his sleeve for any crisis towards the close of the innings. Taking advantage of the seeds of doubt sown in the minds of the Leicestershire batsmen (whether to hit Clarke for four or six), the wicket-greedy Hollioake brought himself on and immediately dismissed the confused Brad 'Cheaty' Hodge.
Batting
Coming in at 199-3 following on from the filthy slogging of Brown, Ward et al, Rikki played the only cultured portion of the wild Surrey roller-coaster of an innings with a couple of delightful boundaries to finish off the Foxes. The fireworks at the end of the game were a fitting accolade to a splendid unbeaten knock of, er, 14.
Match summary and season to date
From last week's all-time high 5.9 rating on the Rikkiter scale, the needle has slipped a little this week, winding itself around the little stop post below the zero at the halfway stage of the game before recovering a little to a peanut-brittle-cracking 2.2. After protracted investigation, it transpires that the terrible damage caused to flowerbeds in and around Grace Road was caused in part by Ally Brown and Adam Hollioake launching their balls all over Leicestershire.
The seasonally-adjusted average now stands at 3.8 - a total equal to the number of pies per minute eaten by Inzamam-ul-Haq during the average lunch.
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Clarkewatch, Dateline 21-24 August 2003
Venue : Grace Road, Leicester
Event : Frizzell County Championship Division 1, Leicestershire v Surrey
Batting
With Surrey in desperate trouble on 178-3 and with old has-been Mark Ramprakash back in the pavilion, Rikki played the innings of his life and still had time to nursemaid a nervous-looking Graham Thorpe to a half-century of his own. Holding the fragile, inexperienced Surrey middle order together, Clarke played a devastating knock of 139 which included 21 fours and a maximum.
Bowling
With Azhar Mahmood injured and unlikely to take any further part in the game, skipper Adam Hollioake looked around his seasoned pros for someone to do a job. His eyes fell on Rikki and the words of the captain said it all : "Rikki, I feel guilty asking you to do everything for us with all these bone-idle Prima-Donnas in the side, but none of us has a clue how to bowl to 'Cheaty'. Would you be so kind?"
The Clarkemeister replied respectfully "Just give me the ball, sir, and I will do my best. I would gladly lay down my life for Surrey."
Twelve faultless overs later, not only had Hodge been sent scuttling back with his tail between his legs but so had Sadler and Snape. Not only that, Rikki didn't even trouble his fielders to lift a finger to help. Hardly a ball went off the square as Clarke performed his business single-handed, rearranging the furniture twice and catching the other off his own bowling to finish with 3-21.
Match summary and season to date
The inhabitants of Leicestershire have signed a petition and sent it to the ECB demanding that, in future, Leicestershire do NOT play successive games at home to Surrey unless Clarke is safely locked up. The crazy paving of Grace Road itself was not there at the start of the week - it was a conventional tarmacadam road but it now resembles the square at Trent Bridge. Data collection is not possible at the moment because the game is still continuing and conditions are just too dangerous to go poking around the Clarkemeter. Aftershocks are a distinct possibility at the moment.
If, as has been estimated, the Clarkequake reached 7.2 on the Rikkiter scale, it will represent an all-time high and could have been felt as far away as, oh, possibly the South island of New Zealand. More data will be released when available, but the general population is warned not to venture out of doors unless wearing one of those silly batting helmets which seem so fashionable nowadays.
7.2 is a massive rating, sufficient to loosen Inzamam-ul-Haq's grip on all but the tastiest of pies. You have been warned.
Posted by Eddie
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